Does anyone else feel like this way?

hi, bit of a long post and maybe rambly so sorry in advance.. (and potentially a trigger warning?)

basically like many many others I feel I am really struggling with my mental health. When I was about 14 I became severely depressed, self harmed and attempted my life. I had input from camhs but refused to open up or engage in therapy because I didn’t feel I had a cause or a right to feel the way I did because nothing terrible had happened in my life (very fortunately and I acknowledge I am very lucky for that to be the case). When I was about 18 I felt I turned a corner and stopped harming etc.

However since then, whilst I have never regressed to that behaviour, I have felt so flat and hopeless and just sad. I felt that I would be happier once I finished college as that was the cause of feeling unhappy but I didn’t. I felt that I would be happy once I got a job and saved money and travelled etc but I didn’t. So then I went back to college and to uni and now have been lucky enough to get a job in my field and I thought once I had achieved all those things I would feel happy but I don’t. I got a nose job because it’s something I have been so conscious and hated all my life, and that I would feel much happier after I did it, but I don’t.

I go through stages like anyone of up and down but when I’m down I just stay in bed and become a nasty, rude and angry person which I hate. I have thought about going to the doctors before but I just feel like I would be wasting their time because I do have periods where I think ‘oh life isn’t that bad I feel ok’. I’ve tried online therapy, counseling at uni, self help like meditation etc. I exercise and try to eat fairly well, I try to take care of myself but I still feel like this.

I’m 25 now soon to be 26 and I’m scared I’m going to feel this way for the rest of my life.

Does anyone else feel this way and is this normal, like am I overreacting and just need to get over myself and get on with my life? I feel like I’m just dramatizing but then also feel like maybe I should seek help. But then also scared of medication making things worse. Sorry for treating this post like a diary but I don’t have anyone to talk to and truly open up about how I feel.

Thank you all in advance