Refugee

It's written well, but the imagery of heaven and hell reads bit cliche to me. I think if you took it further by exploring how this perceived heaven is not really heaven at all for example it would make a stronger piece. I like how you put "was made" in parentheses in the last line, but I'd like hear more about how that hell became the hell that it is; who made it so; how it's maybe related to the "heaven" so it's more clear what/who made the speaker a refugee.

Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I agree with the other comments that Heaven and Hell are cliché, but in my opinion you can exploit them if there is something strong enough to compare them to. And you have! I have read and heard about the situation in these countries, so I can relate to your pain and anguish. More of you should write about it and let us know... how unhuman some people are...

Hey there mate! So while I was looking at the poem, the whole concept of Heaven and Hell really made a huge impression to me about the current refugee system. You really made it easy for the reader to understand the viewpoint of a refugee towards the change in life and also the treatment from the locals they receive in their new home. Great job man!

But with that said, I feel that the concept of Heaven and Hell could still be improved upon greatly. Personally, I feel that the whole concept still lacks a fully concrete definition which can still be explored even more deeply. For example, with Hell, I think it needs further description. In a warn-torn area, there will be definitely lots of noises and smells, like the smell of acrid smoke and foul stench of decomposing bodies or in the case of sounds, maybe the roar of jets and popping of gunfire? So to fit in with the slight mythical feel of the poem, you could describe it as "the never-ending rain of brimstone" or the "cries of the anguished and in pain" to transport readers towards the battlefield itself.

Tbh, I also had another thought for Hell, in the sense that it is a watery Hell. Perhaps one of the most highlighted issues within the current migrant crisis is the crossing from France to the UK through the English Channel. Is it possible if we can see a description of that situation in an interesting way? In Greek mythology, Charon served as the ferrymen of Hades and his main task is to transport newly deceased souls across the river Acheron into the realm of the dead. I think it could really be used to describe the dangerous crossing through the Channel which is happening right now, and it might really hit home given the recent Channel boat tragedy that left 27 fatalities in it's wake. Interestingly, it can also give a reference to Greece, which also found itself in the centre of a migrant crisis in recent years.

On the other hand, I was scrolling through the feedback and I noticed that the idea of Heaven could come under challenge since it's meant to show an idealised life for a refugee where the people are friendly irregardless of the background of the refugee. Could it be possible to change "Heaven" to "Haven"? That way, it still shows that the destination of the refugee is very safe and awesome towards one's quality of life but it's not perfect unlike the term Heaven.

I hope this could help mate. You wrote a great poem for such a mature topic for society, and I'm really looking forward to seeing more poems like this coming from your end. Cheers!

[deleted]