The sun releases reds and pinks
that spread across the sky.
She sheds her rays before she sinks
to kiss the world goodbye.
So when your smile was strangely bright
like some contrived display,
I should have known, that honeyed night,
you too would slip away.
~
Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/riikwh/it_only_hurt_a_little/hpf46x2/?context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rkwvpo/basement/hpf1et2/?context=3
Posted Dec 21, 2021, 8:01 PM UTC
Ah- I love the bitter undertones. (Tho I may be reading into it.) but that’s the taste you’d get after remembering those short, passionate, summer-Esq loves. May they have sunk away for some greater purpose. Noice dude
Short and sweet. I like the line "she sheds her rays before she sinks", that's a new twist on something we've all seen before.
In the second verse I had to read it a couple of times to get my head around it. To me the first two lines imply drug abuse (before death), or maybe the false smile of someone who's dumping you. I love the ambiguity.
I'm not sure you need the italics in the final line, but it's not a big deal if you keep them.
I like the rhythm of your poem alternating longer lines and shorter lines. I think it’s short and gets to the point. The metaphor of a sunset to lost love works well.
Wow I really love this poem, it's very well written and played. Comparing the sun to your lover or past lover who is gone in after a brilliant desplay.
Oh, that last stanza. *puts hand to heart*
Well done.
this is sweet, sad, and cute. I love sunsets so I love this poem.
i like using sunsets as a simile or metaphor for a person's smile.
favorite line: the sun releases reds and pinks
Although it is short, I liked the fact that it reminded me of how short sunsets are.
Its about a topic that is talked about a lot but you definitely made it your own and made a nice ass poem. Kind of elegant if thats the right word but I enjoyed it.
Oh my gosh! I love this one so much, it has a lot of meaning and is extremely efficient in vocabulary. If I were to give feedback, I'd say the "contrived display" line could be simplified also! To me, it seems like it could work pretty well if you substituted the "like some" for a different phrase. :)
Overall I like it a lot. The simile have a strong impact on me. For some reason the word contrived sounds clunky and out of place
Lovely! Very sharp!
I love your imagery, it's very striking and effective for your theme of a lost loved one.
IMO the italics are unnecessary, i get you want to to emphasise the final line but i think it works without the emphasis – it would fit with the content as well, as if the final line is also slipping away... (Just an idea, perhaps you could experiment with an elipsis/no punctuation/hyphen instead??)
excellent rhyming, it really works and doesn't feel forced at all
perhaps experiment with full stops versus commas in the 1st stanza, as the full stops seem to halt the flow – but this may have been your intention!
Overall – you killed it, well done!
I read it over and over. You paint such a beautifully sad picture. Reminds me of Courtney Peppernell.
Hi there! Positives notes incoming. Brevity defines this poem. Well done! I felt that sense of fleeting beauty and joy from beginning to end yet it didn’t feel rushed. Like being dunked in a vat of jelly and then pulled out, it was brief, but I was deeply engaged. So when I got to end I experienced a flood of memories of friendships and relationships of all kinds ending and the pain of the loss. Simply 👏🏻
This description of the sky in the first stanza makes me think of a watercolor painting in progress. Beautiful imagery.
My favorite lines are "The sun releases reds and pinks" and "She sheds her rays before she sinks".
The second stanza is all the more powerful for its contrast to the first.
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Good title, Siam. Sunsets do tend to slip away like love in the heat of flame. Nice pairing of the reds and pinks with someone dripping through your fingers one honeyed night.