Twas The Night of Gore Christmas [The Holidays 2021]

Twas the night before Christmas

And I'd had too much to drink

If I'd taken a minute

I might have stoppin' to think

I woke to a sound

And thought, that's Saint Nick!

Noisy hooves clattered

And then footsteps so quick!

In my bedroom laying down

Waiting patient for sleep

Now I couldn't help

But jump up to my feet

Downstairs a man in red

Was placing presents by the tree

He made a quick escape

And I could tell he meant to flee

Calling out to him I cried,

"Santa, stop, please wait!

I left milk and cookies for you

Right there on that plate."

The wise old man paused

And eyed me a sec

Picking up a cookie

He took a quick peck

After eating several bites

Saint Nick began to sputter

He coughed and wretched and stumbled

And then gagged before he muttered.

"What did you do to me," he asked

As blood poured from his mouth.

He made a painful cry

And collapsed upon my couch.

When he woke up he blinked his eyes

And saw me standing over him

Taking out my pliers,

I licked their rusty brim

"Did you bring me what I wanted,"

I asked the man named Kris Kringle

He spit blood and shook his head

Wiggling his nose until I tingled.

"Ow, that hurts, please stop!"

I cried, backing up and falling down

He twitched his ears and licked his lips

And I was lying prostrate on the ground

"Try to poison me, will you?"

The man named Santa screamed

The fireplace beside him

Set alight behind the screen

"Do you know who I am?

And all that I can do!?

I'm motherfucking Santa Claus!

You think it isn't true?"

The pain was all-consuming

It made me want to die

Instead he grabbed me by the hair,

And looked me in the eye

"And just to think, this year,

I chose to grant your wish.

But you aren't getting this no more,

You anti-christmas bitch."

He grabbed what he had brought

From underneath the tree,

Spit a wad of blood at me

And stepped on the back of my knee.

Up he went and disappeared

Back to the rooftop, gone

I always hated Christmas

That's why I wrote this song.

"Ho ho ho, motherfucker!

He yelled out as he split

"And Merry Christmas, too,

you scheming piece of shit!!!"