Source
r/OCPoetry•
lenderspecific

Ceramic Palace

When I was young I obsessed with being clean.

Monthly, when the water bill came, my mother would discuss my lengthy showers.

I couldn’t tell her that forever was not enough time.

I could spend eternity remaining pure in a ceramic palace made for only my body.

Filthy hands, teeth, and blood would stay away for good.

The curtains hide blisters as the flames purify the sin of owning skin to make it holy once again.

Humming hymns echoing across corridors.

It’s only me and my tiny twin reciting placations to the faucet.

It, though uncanny, tells me I will be okay, and that someday I will outgrow this place.

My solace will expand to my temple, and there I can become painlessly safe and clean.

Not today, but someday.

Critiques/Comments: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rly6zl/chasing_after_wind/hpm81pb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rll692/solstice_first_haiku/hpm9e8a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Edit: I DID have line breaks when I formatted it in the text editor? So I don’t know why the sentences merged, but each sentence originally had a break after.

Edit 2: I’ve tried best to format it the way I have it written but the editor is kicking me so it looks pretty awkward to read, apologies.

Posted Dec 22, 2021, 11:28 PM UTC · edited

2320
osagefruit•

This is obviously a poem to me. I’m kind of surprised people are saying this isn’t a poem. What story is written in this way? Lol - the answer is only stories written in poetic form……

I liked your vulnerability and the content of the poem. I’m convinced your use of periods is what caused other commenters to believe this isn’t a poem. This is 100% a poem

I know what it’s like to feel gross or dirty and be able to do nothing to satisfy that revulsion

Not today, but someday is my favorite line of this poem

I felt your pain and the honesty displayed here is admirable

5
lenderspecificOP•

I did have issues with the formatting before! So they weren’t wrong in their criticism before I edited it. Some of the sentences weren’t broken apart (so it appeared much more like a paragraph).

1
osagefruit•

Personally a paragraph can still be a poem. One of my fave poems is this Richard brautigan one about coffee: https://allpoetry.com/poem/8508973-Coffee-by-Richard-Brautigan

Some would say this is too narrative but I think it’s perfect

A paragraph doesn’t detract from a poem

1
EquivalentEstimate64•

I like this a lot, I know it’s probably not what you intended it to mean but I relate it to the feeling of being ’dirty’ after a sexual assault that a million showers couldn’t cleanse

2
lenderspecificOP•

(TW: Mentions SA, CSA, Self-Harm)

Ah that’s exactly what it was about actually. A lot of the “shower” is metaphorical but it’s also literal too. It’s from the perspective of my much younger self, often I used to self-soothe in the shower in order to cope what what was happening. The end of the poem is referring to an actual thing I did where I would sit in front of the faucet and talk to myself in my reflection to calm myself down. It’s all literal true story but it’s also a larger metaphor for some reasons SA, CSA specifically, goes unheard, that being shame, guilt and self-blame, and dissociative amnesia. (Stanza 1: Being unable to communicate with my parent Stanza 2: Self-harming with the hot water Stanza 3: Not staying in the present and coping with the idea of a “better” future ie; chronic escapism resulting in large amnesic blocks during childhood). I note that the stanzas are not very easy to differentiate cause of the formatting issue, though. So yeah! It’s just about a couple layers of the theme of SA, including the one you talked about, everything talking about “clean” and “dirty” was duel-meaning.

2
EquivalentEstimate64•

This is amazing, after every >!rape!< I take a shower so hot that my skin turns bright red, and it’s the only way I’ve found to calm myself down right after

1
billys_ghost•

This is purely subjective and I also don’t fully understand where you’re coming from or what you were trying to do so take this criticism with a grain of salt.

I seriously enjoyed this, but I wasn’t completely sold. I’ll just give you my impressions as I read:

First two lines: yes. I am dtf. First line tells me exactly what it’s about and makes me curious. Second line offers a very relatable scenario that makes me feel all the guilt, desire for privacy, and awkwardness relevant to that scenario; and you’ve done it all very plainly like we’re just talking. Wow.

3rd and 4th line - you lost me a bit. It was pretty hyperbolic which is fine (I absolutely love hyperbole to the ends of the universe and beyond!) I just was not expecting it so it seemed cheesy since I didn’t realize it was going to be that kind of poem. The first two lines got me ready for an interesting story that was told in a really direct, down-to-earth way; I was psyched, then I had to completely change my expectations which were honestly pretty high.

After that, your language ended up being really intense and interesting so I was like “oh no, this actually still pretty dope”

Then at the end I got the impression that you started talking about wanting to leave your mom’s place (maybe? I might be wrong. I am fairly drunk) rather than being clean. Both are really great subjects but each deserves its own poem.

That last line seemed like a really big deal because it was so short compared to the other lines. Plus it was the last line! But it didn’t really feel like it added much and it wasn’t all that relevant to what I thought the poem was supposed to be about.

Overall, I think you have some incredible chops, but I would encourage you to keep it focused both in language and in subject. Keep in mind how a reader is likely to respond to different choices you make including language, theme and cohesiveness. The beginnings and ends of your poems deserve special attention.

Good luck!

2
lenderspecificOP•

I’m thankful for the criticism! I’m glad to take it, I’ve already been taking notes from everyone else on how to improve and I’m grateful for all the points you gave me. You are wrong about your impression but I’m understanding why you thought what you did. I think you placed the age of narrator way older than it was 😅 it was meant to be the POV of myself as a child, but it’s my job to make that more clear. The subject matter of the poem is a very specific personal experience of mine so I think that’s inherently alienating and throws it off for those who haven’t had similar experiences. I do agree with you that I tried to do too much, though I think it’s a tad more cohesive than you thought. I think I was trying to fit too many things in the make it broader and therefore “deeper”. Which is my bad. (I explained more about what that theme is in another comment, and if you read that I think you might understand what I mean by doing too much) I think I agree with you on the last line too! I can’t think of anything better atm but reading it back I think you’re right and it was cheesy and less impactful than I thought it was. Thank you for all your wonderful criticism and I’ll definitely take it into account in the future. 😊

2
billys_ghost•

Oh shit! Yeah I read your other comment. It seems super obvious now. Thanks for being patient there. Damn… Now that I have context, I think you are out of league as a poet and I should not be giving you advice haha

But with formatting it seems like you have it figured out. I just skip a line, do a hyphen, then skip another line when I want to indicate a different stanza. Reddit doesn’t make it easy

2
lenderspecificOP•

I still want to change “I couldn’t tell her that forever was not enough time” after you pointed that out I’ve been thinking about ways to express the lack of communication in a similar way without the syntax being so simple. That and “Not today, but someday.” are definitely the weakest lines even in context. Even if you didn’t get the subject on the first read I still think those points were extremely valid and I’m glad you identified it.

1
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1
weeface•

I really enjoyed saying the third stanza out loud "Humming hymns echoing across corridors" is beautiful writing amongst an anguish filled picture painted.

Agree with other commenter, style is more prose that line aside but the whole piece is brought together by this line.

1
princessacb29•

I love the rhythm of this work! It creates beautiful imagery. I go from imagining blistering skin under boiling hot water in a shower and tears to a beautiful white palace that blisters with dirt over time, like skin. The parallels you create are very moving and create beautiful imagery when read. Great job!

1
FrankieNoodles•

My favorite line was, “My solace will expand to my temple, and there I can become painlessly safe and clean.” It was beautifully worded and had a smooth flow.

I thought this line could use some work, “It, though uncanny, tells me I will be okay, and that someday I will outgrow this place.” I feel like it would be smoother without “though uncanny”.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
mehrwaheed•

I love this, especially “I couldn’t tell her that forever was not enough time” and “humming hymns echoing across corridors”. I like the alliteration. Also, “not today, but someday” has a profound impact.

I had OCD when I was younger, so this really hit home.

1
AR-Tempest•

Not bad! I think it’s a pretty good portrayal of yourself.

I will say, this isn’t poetry, it’s prose. Poetry is defined by its use of line breaks, or the premature jump to the next line, whereas prose lets its language spill down only when a line reaches the edge of the page.

I wouldn’t switch tenses in the middle of a paragraph, as it can be confusing.

The first sentence of the third paragraph is confusing; I would remove the part about corridors. That doesn’t make sense because you’re humming to yourself as you wash yourself, right? “Me and my twin hum placations to the faucet.”

-1
osagefruit•

I respect your opinion but to be fair who are you to define what poetry is? This read as verse to me. There was obvious, calculated line progression. Even if op posted a paragraph with no line breaks that can still 100% qualify as poetry. To me poetry is an emphasis on sound rather than content and the way words relate and react to each other

I appreciate what every person defines as poetry can be different but I find it almost cruel to tell someone who shared a poem and put themselves out there something so severe as “this isn’t poetry”

2
AR-Tempest•

I don’t mean it derogatorily! Prose is great too. Google doesn’t specify with its definition of poetry, but it does confirm what I think is prose. Here’s the article I picked my definition up from; the writer is quite condescending, but it was helpful to me nonetheless.

https://notesofoak.com/discover-literature/poetic-line-breaks-guide/

1
AR-Tempest•

Oh they have changed the formatting since I made that comment by the way. Before, it was in three paragraphs

1
lenderspecificOP•

I did, I tried to make that clear in-post so that people wouldn’t get confused over the previous crits or think they were totally unfounded 😅 but everyone’s views on what is or isn’t poetry is different I think, it’s up to the reader to decide what they believe is poetry so everyone’s opinions are pretty valid in that, I think.

1