donated my new weighted blanket because I realized it was a low-key love doll

A few months ago I bought a 25 lb weighted blanket, one of the heavier ones because I'm a taller/bigger guy, and I thought it would help with the stress and anxiety my loneliness. My former partner came out a few years ago but I foolishly clung to hope and she used that to keep me as a beard. Somehow my unhappiness at getting dumped but kept at arms' length is my fault (she doesn't want to sell her half of the house, but got herself an apartment), which isn't helped by her dropping by for a day or two a week. When the last kid is gone, I'm going to resolve things.

But between now and then, I've tried many things for my sanity and to keep the loneliness at bay. So I bought a cheap weighted blanket. I bought a nice cover for it, because I'm not an animal. I fiddled and adjusted the fit. It was pretty light and bunched up, so a few weeks later I bought another one, this time the heavy 25lb one. And another nice cover. Finally I had one that would cover me with enough extra on each side so that it wouldn't pull to one side and flop off. Thought it was perfect.

Then I went to bed. Tried to sleep. Couldn't. I just laid there for hours, and finally realized why I could not sleep and was dozing off only to find myself waking on the verge of tears. This is like a love doll. More specifically, I realized it was a substitute for a romantic companion, for the embrace or physical closeness of someone who loves me. Not a sex doll, a big flat love doll. And the more I laid there, the more I realized that it just reminded me that there was no one who loves or cares for me that way -- and more specifically in my current situation I am prevented from finding someone who loves or cares for me that way. FML, but soon, soon...

I am reminded of the Robin Williams line “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”