I recently read that having very obsessive crushes is common in autistic women. I myself have had feelings for people I’ve never dated for over 10 years. Does anyone else have this?
Posted Dec 24, 2021, 3:17 PM UTC
I believe it's not just autistic women, but autistic people in general who are vulnerable for this. We all do have the capacity to fall in love, but we often struggle to really connect to the object of our desire and admiration and make our feelings known. Which would result in either a relationship or a clear (and hopefully amicable) rejection, the latter being easier to move on from. If that makes sense.
Also see: r/limerence. Probably not where you want to end up.
That explains a lot. I'm not sure what the difference is between limerence and love though.
In short: limerence is a form of obsession and a source, or cause, of mental suffering. It's unhealthy "love", and typically unrequited.
You just described any and all types of attraction I have ever felt in my life! It always involves unhealthy mental suffering, lol.
Thanks for attempting to explain though. I may ask my therapist about this.
I may ask my therapist about this.
Good luck.
Be warned though that all therapists/psychologists may not use the same term. It's a well described phenomenon and there's some theory behind it, but it isn't mentioned per se as "limerence" in everyone's handbook. For your therapist it may fall under different terms or definitions. So work with them a little. They should certainly know what you mean if you show them the Wikipedia article, or if you can otherwise describe your problem clearly.
Also I'm not saying that OP definitely experiences limerence. I only wanted to warn against it because it can be a pitfall for many people. You don't really need to be autistic to get trapped in it either. But loneliness and a tendency to obsess are certainly risk factors. Which doesn't exactly exclude autists, as you can imagine.
Mine too :/
I had no idea this was a symptom of autism but I have had this exact problem my whole life; it's less romantic but just that I become completely infatuated with the concept of a person, most often fictional. I think to a certain extent it's sometimes that I want to be that person and that's where the obsession stems from.
It's not even just people; I become obsessively attached with objects too, like stuffed animals or certain items.
On the other hand I've never experienced romantic love like some other users here and I'm not sure if I can, so maybe this is just how my brain works.
Huh
I read a book by bell hooks. She defined love as (ceecee paraphrase) nurturing spiritual growth.
I don't think that that is the only way to love, but I have begun to think of that as kind of a higher love. The higher love is the love that matters, the love that I want.
I have had lots of experiences with lower loves or chemical loves. You get attached to somebody and your body's chemistry changes and hormones flux. That is love, but lower love.
I have been with my current boyfriend for a few months. I do love him, but in order for us to nurture each other's spiritual growth we have to develop and sustain trust that isn't possible for either of us in a couple months. But, higher love is the goal.
I haven't told him that I love him, yet because I am holding out for higher love. Right now, we have seeds. One day, we keep working at it, we may truly have something, something worth everything.
Beautifully said.
This was me and no wonder I have anxiety and heartburn now
Every time I see a post like this it makes me feel less alone in my struggles. Yep, I too have had obsessive crushes, to put it mildly, spanning anywhere from 2-5 years. Each one felt like I was recovering from a drug addiction I just wanted to end. Before finding this sub I never met anyone who struggled with this. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
You’re welcome! I love the way how you described it as a drug addiction, that’s definitely how mine felt.
ditto
You just validated my lifelong struggle too, thank you 😞
Recovering from a drug addiction is such an accurate description, for sure!!
Not diagnosed.* I guess I get obsessed with crushes but I only get obsessed in my head. I daydream a lot and have a good time coming up with various scenarios and basically world building, but I'm always very aware that this is all just me and that person in my head is not the same person as my crush. It usually lasts few months and I somehow develop crushes on people I see almost never so nothing ever comes from it. I kinda blame my job a little bit too. I work a dull job so I escape to my imagination very often.
Do you have maladaptive daydreaming? I do and I come up with scenarios of my crushes all the time.
Hahaha yeah. I can write so many smut books with the stuff I come up lol
People may become our special interests. Here’s a link to an interesting studylink about infatuation and attachment in autistic people. it suggests that we may feel closer to people through our infatuations, and not require as much time in the “dating” phase to feel closer/attached to someone as neurotypicals.
Omg this is me completely. I get attached to people very quickly and easily.
Me too. It’s so hard when it’s like not possible to get close or it creates issues without rejection sensitive dysphoria and such
I have them on anime characters. In real life I'm married
I think about the guy I'm seeing constantly, but I try to curb that. On account of anxiety— my obsessive thinking tends to send me down a spiral of negative made up scenarios, and I end up being angry at this guy for no reason. 😅
same, but I don't really end up being angry at them, because I've disconnected the thoughts and fantasies from the actual person. Sometimes the obsessive thinking is positive fantasies and scenarios- and have to record gnize that those too have no basis in reality yet. Mostly the obsessive thinking just makes me feel pathetic and tired. But stopping it just feels like suppression of feelings, and anyway doesn't seem to work. I end up just not able to trust my feelings anymore.
I gotcha. I think part of the reason why I can cease the obsessive thinking over this guy sometimes (or try to) is part object impermanence. When we're not together, I don't even really remember his face or voice. Trust me, I don't want to not remember anything but I kinda need to put things in check so my own bullshit doesn't eat me alive. Does that make sense?
I guess it's balancing things out. I think I get worried and anxious as part of a love sickness and it's feels uncomfortable (to say the least). So when I've been in situations where I don't like or haven't considered the person yet and they're very into me, that's obviously more comfortable so I've fallen into things with people I'm not really compatible with (and sometimes not even attracted to). Yay!
well yeah but i thought it was normal. i would repeatedly view and watch the public content on their profiles.
I do that too! I lurk on the pages of people Im interested in but never make an effort to reach out..
are we ok lol
I never reach out either but when I do, they usually disclose details about their lives that I already know.
I used to as a child and teen until I had a lot of traumatic experiences with men and realized how poorly they will treat you. Once I actually started dating, the facade wore off and I had to force myself out of that obsessive mindset to protect myself.
I couldn’t take the embarrassment and pain anymore of being enamored by someone who barely cares about me. I had to raise my standards. Sometimes I fear that I’ve become too apathetic but it’s honestly better this way.
I relate to this
Yeah, my girlfriend and I have this. She was talking about how in middle school she wasn’t (consciously) horny for anyone, but she was obsessively romantic about certain people, filling diaries about them.
I am like that too! I get fixated on specific people.
YES. sometimes they last years. and the second they like me back they ruin it for me and im like nope
i think its called limerence though, went down a rabbit hole studying it before
Oh yeah. In hindsight, I think it’s crazy that as a child I was obsessed with one of my brothers friends. full blown obsession, would write in my school journals about him, talked about him all the time, basically stalked him. I recently found a card I made for him where I told him I liked him. he was my obsession for grades 1-3 and then we moved and he didn’t live across the street anymore. He and my brother are still friends and I have seen him a few tjmes as an adult. I basically blush the whole time and can’t look at him. It’s been over 25 yrs at this point. I’ve got others but I’m feeling like Im showing my crazy now hahaha
😭
I carry my feelings for a long time, too. There are men I've loved for 10+ years. It makes me vulnerable. I will ignore red flags and tolerate a lot of bullshit for people I love. I've decided from now on to only initiate romantic and sexual relationships with new people. It puts me at a huge emotional disadvantage when I've loved someone a long time and they barely remember me. I will also be doing my best to keep away from anyone I have a strong crush on going forward--unless there are obvious signs that they like me *JUST AS MUCH.*
I have had a few over the years but it's generally only one at a time. The first was Alvin (chipmunks) when I was a kid hehe.
I have one and I'm grateful my husband is understanding!
There was also a great Instagram post about what to do when someone becomes your special interest. I’d try to find it but I’m on a social media break. It basically said that especially if it’s a close daily life encounter type of situation like roommates or work, you should try to distance yourself and think about what it seems like they provide, and what you feel in the connection with them. Then figure out how you might be able to get that elsewhere. For example, attention, listening to your interests, emotional connection. Maybe you can find that in new friendships or online communities
Yes, it's bloody awful. Really awful. The people are never all that great either and I think part of me ends up wanting to fixate on people my subconscious thinks I can help or change... I hope I've grown out of it, as I got older everything seems to have dropped in intensity and upped in apathy.
Yes, I do. I want to know everything about them, their likes, dislikes and deeper things. It’s very, very hard for me to let go once I’ve found someone I fancy and so far the only “cure” for me personally has been to completely cut ties and not talk to that person, if the feelings are unrequited. I don’t like having crushes, I’d rather stick to my interests. It’s just too painful. Happy Holiday, btw!
That’s exactly how mine are!! I’ll go as far as to look them up on internet, go through all of their social medias, and observe all of their pictures. It’s exhausting and unhealthy as hell..
Omg, are you me? This is exactly what I do too and until I haven’t found everything I want to know, I won’t stop thinking about them :/
Do you also make up stories about them in your head and imagine what their lives are like?
I do! I also like to do what my sister calls the Sherlock investigation! I try to understand why they are the way they are and what drives them. It’s fascinating to me. Their childhood, interests and hobbies. My deductions aren’t always accurate though but I don’t know… I’m not sure why I do it. I probably sound like a crazy nutcase, sorry…
Yes. And all of them fictional.
...I wonder what that says about me...
You don’t know how relieved I’ve been to learn I’m not the only one who does this ;_;, except my pattern is a bit closer to ADHD (I have both).
I hyperfocus on a person until I suddenly don’t anymore, and I’ve never had an explanation for it until recently (was always way too embarrassed to talk about it in therapy). I thought I was kinda broken, that I was so used to boys being mean to me that I didn’t know what to do if one was genuinely nice to me and so I couldn’t be attracted to them anymore. I’ve been so relieved to realize this isn’t the case
Yes I have had quite a few, and when I learned this was common in autistic women it all made since why… I made sure with my current boyfriend I never gave into those obsessive feelings and learned to love him whilst stopping the obsessive feelings in there tracks because I felt they were very unhealthy to be obsessive towards people and that they felt I was too clingy and it’s just not healthy for you either… not sure if I’m making much sense here…
My obsessive crushes made me blind to the flaws of the person. Very dangerous and unhealthy
Ya me too!!!
Same ☹️
cheers me too! have you guys tried some Aspie dating sites?
How did you stop yourself from being obsessive over them? For me it backfires and I end up obsessing even more…
it was quite a long process... but basically whenever i noticed the feelings happening i actively thought against it. its just changing your thought processes... if you notice you're feeling obsessive about someone try to just tell yourself not to and work through it. it was kind of slow going for me at first but i've been doing really good for about 3 years now and i haven't obsessed over any one since. but the reason i noticed i needed to change is because my obsessions made me end up in really bad and dangerous situations that ended up putting me in harm sometimes or just destroying what could have been a descent friendship,,, i wish i could just show you in my head how i changed but i dont feel like i can really describe it with words properly.