Titled after you: Gone Again and Again
One day I'll cease to exist,
I won't explain myself,
I can't.
I think there'll be rain
in the armor for sleep,
and it's dark out now.
I sleep:
In my coffin I am holding some paper,
I think it's blank,
when it's really tattooed and old.
and young,
Alive, when I was, and just as I am.
Well, I hope to see myself again,
with someone...
Anyone?
No.
____________________
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rnyv54/cancer_treatment/
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rnbxrp/we_were_so_close/
PS: Shout out to Armor For Sleep the band!
Posted Dec 25, 2021, 4:21 AM UTC · edited
"One day I'll cease to exist," This could end with a semicolon or a period, but not a comma.
"in the armor for sleep" — I like that.
"I sleep:" could end with a semicolon, period or em dash.
"In my coffin I am holding some paper," I don't really like this line; it's the longest in the poem, and "some" feels vague. Also, it shouldn't end with a comma. "Tattooed and old" also feels like it could use some work.
*And young,
"Alive when I was and just as." The syntax here is confusing.
All in all it seems like a nice, melancholy, consoling poem. It does summon a lonely air.