Titled after you: Gone Again and Again

One day I'll cease to exist,

I won't explain myself,

I can't.

​

I think there'll be rain

in the armor for sleep,

and it's dark out now.

I sleep:

​

In my coffin I am holding some paper,

I think it's blank,

when it's really tattooed and old.

​

and young,

​

Alive, when I was, and just as I am.

​

Well, I hope to see myself again,

with someone...

​

Anyone?

No.

​

____________________

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rnyv54/cancer_treatment/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rnbxrp/we_were_so_close/

​

PS: Shout out to Armor For Sleep the band!

Posted Dec 25, 2021, 4:21 AM UTC · edited

74
cela_•

"One day I'll cease to exist," This could end with a semicolon or a period, but not a comma.

"in the armor for sleep" — I like that.

"I sleep:" could end with a semicolon, period or em dash.

"In my coffin I am holding some paper," I don't really like this line; it's the longest in the poem, and "some" feels vague. Also, it shouldn't end with a comma. "Tattooed and old" also feels like it could use some work.

*And young,

"Alive when I was and just as." The syntax here is confusing.

All in all it seems like a nice, melancholy, consoling poem. It does summon a lonely air.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
Varvara_Sofou•

Well done! I like the sharpness of your writing. It's very percice and brings out a lot of emotion. Only the ending is a bit abrupt, but then again, it has some theatrical release that's magical.

2
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1

I really, really love the line “i think there’ll be rain” I don’t even have words for how much I love it, thanks for sharing!

1