Just wanted to say this is a real quality critique, especially at this word count. Thank you, this is what we like to see. :)

VOICE

So, one thing I want to bring up is voice. Your character has a very strong YA voice in the way she thinks and narrates her life. I initially thought this was YA when I started reading through and realized it was first person in the second paragraph because the voice felt so familiar. However, when I realized the significance of the tree’s markings, I realized she’s twenty-five, and that’s kind of problematic.

Now, this is just my opinion, of course. You can write your novel however you want. But I definitely got that YA feel from the diction and the focus of the character on her parents, and that might not be idea if you’re actually aiming for the adult fantasy audience. The focus on the parents gives me a very “coming of age” vibe; I end up assuming she discovers more about her past and maybe confronts her father for his withheld secrets. That’s all very YA in theme as well. 

If you intended on this being YA, and my intuition on the tone and voice isn’t completely off base (

Hello! Thank you for sharing your writing. I hope some of this feedback is useful for you.

GENERAL IMPRESSION

First, I’d like to express that I think your prose sounds professional and reads smoothly, and as a reader, I appreciate that. I noticed a few errors (or stylistic choices in the case of certain fragments), but they weren’t jarring enough to pull me out of the narrative.

That said, as much as I like the prose, I feel like the text suffers in other important parts—notably, plot, conflict, tension, and pacing. I’m torn on characterization. I’ll elaborate on each of these to provide more detail.

HOOK/OPENING

When it comes to openers, I feel that they have a couple of tasks they need to accomplish. First, they need to introduce us to the protagonist. Second, they need to make an implicit promise to the reader. Third, they should engage the interest and introduce tension and conflict, even if it’s minimal and grows in gravity from there.

Looking at your opening, you commit a c

So I came into this with high hopes as classics are my thing and I'm literally finishing up a draft (lame and woeful as it may be) of a story about the goddess Flora and her modern children, so I've been immersed in this stuff for a while now. I may also have a slight addiction to the game Hades on the switch (love you, Thanatos!).

The main problem I have with this is that something needs to happen. We've got the tree, then 'I held the knife', then a recollection of a print shop and custard, which removes any possible tension from someone holding a knife. And we flick back and forth between slightly confusing action and recollection, and at the bottom of the page is her name, Iris. Then more back and forth until the 'Happy birthday, Iris'.  Nothing has happened.

What's her mission? We've been told she's feeling sorry for herself but it doesn't make me sympathetic. And yes, I get strong YA vibes from this, it's quite similar to the start of Sarah J Maas' Court of Thorns and Roses wher

You've not really asked for any specific areas for me to focus on, so I'm going to just go over whatever comes to mind.

**Overall**

This isn't egregious but isn't a special introduction to your work. I don't know why we need to know the character's father, their memories of their mother, their cloak, and knife, and all right away, right on the first two pages. I don't have a particular need to continue reading. But outside of the pacing issues, this isn't offensive, and was actually pretty readable-- at least to me.

**Description**

Nothing stood out as incorrect. Nothing stood out as exemplary. Being specific about the colors of her clothing is fine, but honestly, I was picturing something else by the time you got around to describing it.

Some standard cliches. Lurking shadows, aiming arrows, empty skies. Iris is describing these, but I don't get the sense she has an opinion on them. Especially in first person, everything should be through the lens of the character. Nothing should

Hello!

I'm reworking the opening chapter of my novel, which is a loose retelling of Hades and Persephone set in a fictional world with lore heavily inspired by Greek mythology.

I'm new to writing fantasy (usually more of a contemporary romance or literary fiction sort of gal), but I've gotten into the genre over the past year and enjoy the concept that I'm developing.

I've tried my hand at a few different openings, but am looking for feedback on what I feel is the strongest draft/premise so far. (Please note this is the first draft of the piece, but I am still hoping for honest and constructive feedback).

Here's the link to the excerpt:  [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o3hpUrKeC-zSAtmxaaS1pwcAfT4a-AIMuIVbLsw5bIU/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o3hpUrKeC-zSAtmxaaS1pwcAfT4a-AIMuIVbLsw5bIU/edit?usp=sharing) \[625\]

Here's my critique: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/rrb9xi/comment/hqhrck0/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/rrb9xi/comment/hqhrck0/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) \[826\]

Thank you in advance! :)

The Fate of Suns and Shadows [625]