Reminisce
Sunset in a glass.
The spirit tastes like old times.
Glory days calling,
from a romanticized past.
This moment must be jealous
Posted Dec 30, 2021, 3:24 PM UTC
55
hi! i really like what you’re shooting for here c: your first line is super strong, but i think you can tighten up your language in a few places. line two and four feel particularly clunky - instead of using like, perhaps of? something to shorten it and maintain rhythm. similarly, i feel like an adjectival form of romantic would be better than the participle here, saves you a few syllables and boosts the tempo ;)
2
Hey, I love this poem! The opening and closing lines are particularly strong, but I feel that they are a little let down by the other lines - really because, as somebody mentioned, the language could be changed a little, particularly in the 4th line. The 4 syllable word strains the phrase too much for it to fit the idea of “this moment”. Otherwise, I think it’s really lovely.
2
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1
I feel like the last line could fit better. The first four lines seem to be subjective perceptions, but then that last line goes objective and sort of abstract.
Otherwise I really like the first four lines, especially the first two!
1
I like the rhythm of these lines and the message. I might recommend playing with the wording of the last line a little bit bc it almost sounds like a separate speaker from the rest of the poem. (Maybe that’s what you were going for?) I do love the idea of that last line though because it makes the poem more interesting. It might seem abrupt but that I think that fits - like it’s a sudden realization.