**PLOT**  
  
I like the promises set up in this opening better than the previous one (perhaps because the previous didn't really have any). Ignoring the nightmares, I like the fact that she feels like she's being watched in the forest, and the darkness is an inexplicably oppressive force to her. I like the eyes watching her at the end, though like I pointed out in POV, I'd like to clarify whether that was a POV shift, or whether she should have a reaction to the notice. This is all good, it builds tension, and it tells us that something is watching her, and we can expect that something will come and interfere with her life sooner than later. I like that. I like the implicit conflict within.  
  
Admittedly, I'd much rather prefer a more active sequence in the opening pages, but this at least opens in a cold tension that builds as the pages continue. I think if you build upon it, and fine-tune this scene so that the tension builds from the very first paragraph, you will have a riveti

**OPENING, CONTINUED**  
  
I want to take a moment to examine the abrupt difference in Iris's attitude toward the cloak between this draft and the previous. In the previous draft, she tried it on year after year, desperate for the chance that it would fit her. She touched it gently, using it as a conduit to reminisce on the small amount of memories she had with her mother. It had a big significance to her--just as much as the birthday tree. In this draft, she regards the cloak contemptuously, calling it stupid and leaving it behind even though it's cold outside. Now, I didn't learn much about Iris from your previous draft, certainly not enough to make any declarations on her personality or her values, but this seems really out of character for the Iris that you presented us within the last draft. If you want to change her up so that she feels resentful toward the cloak and her mother, that's fine. She's your character. I just wanted to point it out because it was an inconsistency be

Hello! I'm happy to see you here again. As I analyzed your previous text, I figured it would be helpful to get feedback from the same pair of eyes.

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

Knowing how the original text concluded, I can confidently say that this version is an improvement over the previous. While the conflict is muted, there's growing tension on the page that makes the reader wonder why Iris experiences these nightmares, and what's watching her from the woods.

While my previous critique of your work primarily focused on plot and conflict, I have a feeling this one is going to elaborate more on setting. There are some logical inconsistencies in the setting that struck me as strange as I read through the text. I also found that the prose was more clumsily crafted this time around, which I attribute to the fact that you didn't permit the last critiques to marinate before tackling a new version. That's fine -- I'm not here to tell you how long you should wait before starting a new draft or

Hi. Thank you for posting, but...Two problems? 

We ask folks not post again until 48 hours. Your first post is 17hours old. 

Also we try to keep everything following the pattern of

[Word Count] Title. 

I am going to mark this as leeching because of the 48 hour rule, but would you mind deleting, waiting the appropriate time, and then posting again with title in correct format?

The Fate of Suns and Shadows (Second Version of Opening Chapter) [825]