Source
r/OCPoetry•
ParadiseEngineer

My green eyes like your green eyes, are breaking —

And later we’ll joke about your stopped body becoming a comedy prop, the fart machine hidden below your best dress as you’re laid-out for the all-night vigil. I have not come to terms with the undisclosed date of your leaving party. Your body is bulking and you tell me that you’re gonna give birth to alien triplets – that the party will be massive, and we’ll have a job keeping all your secret lovers away from each other. And Lee Scratch Perry will be down on his sonic spacecraft to take you for Boli & Stoli with Jesus, Elvis and Kurt Cobain. Last summer your father was calling. Cathy –who has taken the elevator already– was calling in the broken, waking hours of the morning. When that nano-thin veil between dimensions becomes brittle, and obsidian cracks occur – that his dark shape has been flirting at the foot of your bed, and often you told him to ‘fuck off’, but now that’s not enough. Because he –and of course it’s a ‘he’-- has strengthened his fist-grip on your thumping heart. I have never experienced anything as unfair as this. Your eyes have always been open, like a child searching for glitter-brilliant new textures, in a grim-hideous world. And now every volcano-orange sunset seems like nukes hitting Paris – I am welcoming, at this point, armageddon. Because then, you wouldn’t be able to leave
without me.

[1] [2]

Posted Jan 10, 2022, 7:35 PM UTC

266
generic-gay-memelord•

This is one of the weirder poems I’ve read and I’m absolutely here for it! Each time I thought I had an idea of where it was going, it went in a completely different direction! This was super fun to read and it really made me think.

I’m pretty new when it comes to poetry, so I don’t know how good the criticism I can give is lol. That being said, I feel like if the poem was broken up a little with strategically placed line breaks/spaces it might take it to the next level?

Then again, having it one block of text like this adds a chaotic, fast-paced vibe which isn’t unwelcome for a poem like this one. It is really a matter of the energy you want the poem to give off. :)

Tl;dr I really like it!!

3
Grumpusdumpus•

Just heart-breaking in it's life. I love the specific names, to add weight and reality. As if we're glimpsing a moment in someone's life, and perhaps we are. I also appreciate the anger and disappointment.

3
Pinsandweedles•

Always love reading your poems! I might echo what’s been said a bit earlier about some of the formatting.
What works for me here in the unformatted blocking is how it makes the delivery of the poem feel authentic and urgent. It creates this feeling that the narrator just had to express this immediately. It feels like there’s little artifice heightening the emotions conveyed. That said, I think one or two paragraph or stanza breaks, maybe in unorthodox places, might make things a tad more readable. Regardless, this is a lovely, and painful, poem. Well done!

2
LinesofStone•

That said, I think one or two paragraph or stanza breaks, maybe in unorthodox places, might make things a tad more readable.

i read it as a voicemail or a voice message or memo, and had that same block feeling, so i'd say keep it chunked. personally.

3
LAPointCoach•

I loved everything about this, the formatting, the emotions. You can really feel it.

I'm not sure about the line "I have never experienced anything as unfair as this" it seems out of place and I feel the sentiment is already ingrained in the poem without saying it directly. But it does add some sort of urgency or pleading.

Again, beautiful!

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