lamppost light
from across
rippled pond
offers only
a broken
sliver
of midnight
silver
to my two
mortal eyes -
keeping
only for
the moon
the secrets
of the
full extent
of what shines
Posted Jan 11, 2022, 4:05 PM UTC
[removed]
I really like this, this is a tasty poem. I read the words
'offers only a broken sliver of midnight silver to my two mortal eyes' a few times out loud and I couldn't get enough of it, it's really really strong.
I felt like the first stanza was missing an 'a' and I found myself just saying that when reading it, i think it needs it. I see that you've gone for brevity and word efficiency here which is awesome, but I'd consider sneaking that 'a' back in there.
Last stanza was also good but I think having 'secrets of' and 'full extent of' in the same sentence made it feel a bit of a mouthful and threw a bit of a spanner into your otherwise well oiled machine here.
Overall this is a beautiful poem, it reminds me of light pollution - you know, streetlamps hide that whole blanket of stars from us. I'd love to read more by you.
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Lovely you do a great job descriptions and its easy to tell the sort of perspective and tone your going for with the person’s experience with light
"Keeping only for the moon the secrets of the full extent of what shines." Makes me think of a little 30 second day dream. Like the things I notice when I zone out for a minute that are just for me and no one else would get. Like a "had to be there moment" or my own inside joke with myself. Thanks for transporting me!
Reminds me of this dudes heavy philosophy https://youtu.be/JUaAL43HEhM
The image you’ve set up is solid, and the form does aid in creating an overall scene, but some of your stanza breaks and where you use particle words could possibly be smoothed out I feel. For example, stanza 1– I don’t see the reasoning for doing “across Rippled pond” instead of “across a/the Rippled pond.” If in your next couple of stanzas you still tried to avoid all of the the’s and a’s you could it might make more sense or read smoother.
Stanza 3, I’m not sure you need “two” what’s it doing that “mortal eyes” isn’t? Rhythmically it doesn’t do too much for me without it either.
Stanza 4 is where the awkward line breaks really stick out to me. You’ve just got some awkward lines caused by the form— you might consider rewording. The two big offenders here are “only for” and “of the”. When broken out onto their own lines they just feel weak and a tad bit awkward to me.
Well done, though! It’s difficult to create strong images and set scenes in few words, but this does a solid job!