It's okay sweetie
It's alright
I see what you're going through
And I understand
The fields stopped flowering
The sky raining
And the hope forming
You are tired of you're rattling bones
And cannabalistic thoughts
I love you
I truly do honey
And I'm truly proud of what you've done
You're allowed to leave me
You're allowed to let go
And to heal
I will do the same
It's okay sweetie
Posted Jan 12, 2022, 5:53 PM UTC · edited
I think you might need to employ more original imagery - flowering fields and raining sky are not really memorable to me. Also, the mention of rattling bones and cannibalistic thoughts seem a bit abrupt, especially because the rest of the poem is quite warm and consoling. Lastly, it's alright.
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If this was written in a spur of emotion I totally get it. It ends so bittersweet and almost apologetically, but I do think you should try and draw from something more personal. Show some of yourself in the imagery you've chosen to use. I think it would be so beautiful if you left a part of yourself in this poem.
Good poem, just needs more detail and to elaborate more as the poem feels rather sparse
but the foundation is great, and most importantly, relatable
it has a bittersweet feeling to it
Cause in the end we all just want to be heard and i understand where this poem is coming from
I love it. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the structure of the poem. On one hand, the lack of line breaks and whatnot make for a very desperate feeling. On the other hand, it makes it harder to read. You might be sacrificing ease for some extra emotion that could be conveyed in another way.