I don't understand your comment here, apologies.

I like rhyming and musical sound to a lot of this poem, particularly in the second stanza.

I don't like your use of slashes, particularly in between words. I find that quite clunky and I would rather you chose one definite word. Also, the final lines being two or one words doesn't land for me. It feels like it is trying to communicate something but that thing is not obvious.

Unlike Ben I rather like the use of slashes. I feel it tilts the reader toward a certain rhythm. And the breakdown at the end, where lines are only one word, is just that, a breakdown. I feel the highs and lows of this piece. The comment on homelessness and drug addiction?? Overall I think it’s a good piece.

The rhyming is very present but for me it is not sufficiently regular in support of its finity. I have amended it with 1 word extra and I find the effect very pleasing.

Wire tap dancing  
With wing-tip shoes  
Shifting/smoking in the breeze  
Where the fire line moves  
/  
Old men brewing  
Sipin thin soup stewing (lose)  
Thin lips moving  
Sing a simmering blues

/  
Under overpass islands  
A lilt of littering tunes  
Wilt-whitling time spent  
Hearts a shimmering bruise  
/  
Of tent town medicine  
And death-howling winds  
Where denizens of menace-vill  
Are sent   
Hell-bent   
To kill the  
King  
Pin  
Goose

FRFR
If I am feeling this right. This is direction. And if this is who I think it is. I'll be at the place the 3 of us went.

it's rag and bone

if it was perfect it wouldn't be

but you're right

Sorry, just don’t care for the multiple “ thin” s, but it’s your poem. The whitling is a sea trout (European).

you're right

except for thin

what's a fish?

Reading this poem I will only comment on parts of it. In the second stanza the “ sipin” should be “ sippin’ “ if your talking taking short gulps of hot soup. At the same stanza the use of thin soup and thin lips with no connection makes “thin” overdone so close together. The reason I mentioned the misspelling of sipping is the spelling in stanza 3. The wilt-whitling I have to extrapolate into a double meaning in that combo word. The problem is whitling is a fish when spelled that specific way, whereas I am assuming you mean whittling in the context of the poem. Also I would think, for the sake of continuity you would want “ whittlin’ “. And again the last stanza the “ menace-vill” should be “ Ville”. And I would break the line “ to kill the “ into  “ to kill” for rhyming purposes. I point this out due to the way you use word combinations to double tap meanings. When you write like that you have to show precision as to keep your meaning perfectly clear. Interesting images and combos.

Wire tap dancing

With wing-tip shoes

Shifting/smoking in the breeze

Where the fire line moves

/

Old men brewing

Sipin thin soup stewing

Thin lips moving

Sing a simmering blues

/

Under overpass islands

A lilt of littering tunes

Wilt-whitling time spent

Hearts a shimmering bruise

/

Of tent town medicine

And death-howling winds

Where denizens of menace-vill

Are sent 

Hell-bent 

To kill the

King

Pin

Goose

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/s3rpd1/your_reformation/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share)

[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/s3noej/fishing/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share)

[r/NA_November](https://www.reddit.com/r/na_November?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share)

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