Steal from a john who was beating up and possibly attempting to murder a working woman? Why should I care? He deserves it. Bribe the sergeant not to arrest her or investigate the shooting? Also don’t care. If anything, the cops are portrayed as behaving in a more empathetic way than I would have expected for a gritty detective novel. It doesn’t quite set the tone, though — I think I’d rather the corruption be portrayed as more negative, you know?

**DESCRIPTION**

There are a few points where your description was solid and helped me visualize what was going on in the story: the image of windshield wipers on a rainy evening is distinct and is probably the part that stuck out to me most. That said, I think this story badly needs more description to ground it in reality. The lack of meaningful description is maybe what contributes to the relatively rapid pace, which I liked, but I still want more to chew on. 

The setting is probably the most unique part of the story for me but I didn’t g

I added some sections that perhaps were based on your suggestions. They start with a 1, so you can control f them I hope.

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/155aeb0vIWqzByy4HLUsd-xghpv9vbCpro0ZvCHoN04Y/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/155aeb0vIWqzByy4HLUsd-xghpv9vbCpro0ZvCHoN04Y/edit?usp=sharing)  


Reddit was slow to tell me of your reply.

Oh, I won’t disagree with that. I’m a staunch hater of the comma before a conjunction between two short independent clauses because it *sounds* wrong, rhythmically, depending on the context. Your mileage may vary, but I didn’t like what you were doing with the grammar; it comes off as a mistake, not intentionally done for stylistic purposes. A misplaced comma can easily sound like a cymbal in my head and it tends to jog me out of immersion.

I think a mod could help you better on posting standards and what’s expected of you when posting or critiquing, but from my perspective as a reviewer, I like reading Google Docs because they’re easy to view with the app and I can make comments throughout them. You can make a new Google email to utilize if anonymous posting is critical for you, which is nice.

Please be aware that minimal thought went into this so far.  The actual process of attempting to understand your wisdom or point of view will come later. 

*So, I take it English isn’t your first language. There were a lot of grammar errors in this excerpt and some odd phrasing, but if someone else wants to tackle a line-by-line, I’ll leave the floor open for them.*

I've been in a lot of communities where people just assume everyone doesn't speak English natively, and it's almost always wrong. I've also spent most of the English classes I've taken, learning that things drummed into our heads have many, many exceptions or are rarely true.   


However, I was up for about 5 AM writing this in a software program that deliberately doesn't allow me to see anything but the text.  There is a good chance things beyond dialects, expressions, and rushed ways that people talked crept in.

>For what it’s worth, reading this off a pastebin is annoying. Folks like to put their documents on Google D

Hello,

So, I take it English isn’t your first language. There were a lot of grammar errors in this excerpt and some odd phrasing, but if someone else wants to tackle a line-by-line, I’ll leave the floor open for them. 

For what it’s worth, reading this off a pastebin is annoying. Folks like to put their documents on Google Docs with suggestions enabled for a reason; it allows them to make suggestions to the text and point out errors. It’s also quite a bit easier to read. Conventions exist for a reason, so you might want to look into putting this on Google Docs if you want someone to tackle the numerous English issues.

 If that’s important to you, that is. Judging from your questions here, you seem a lot more concerned with the content than a line-by-line, and that’s fine. I’ll answer your questions then go through some general thoughts I have about the text.

**GENRE**

The genre appears to be firmly in mystery, specifically the detective fiction subgenre. We have a cop protagonist 

I'm seeing this process in other people's feedback and thoughts, but I can not think of anything I have not said before. My thoughts on characters, settings, and themes are similar to what I thought as I was reading. 

I have a bad feeling I'm not going to be a lot of help to this community, because I am and was personally wanting to know people's thoughts as they read anything I write. Most of the books I've read about writing speculative fiction, indicate a lot of focus on when and how the reader learns information.

Line edits are where you copy paste larger chunks directly from the writing and just reply to them like it's a dialog. This isn't really a critique in whole.

I'm confused. A lot of my critiques consisted of where I thought the story was going, if I suspected a twist or plot hook, and what I thought the story was trying to do (And how well it did that thing).

I recall being asked if a story seemed plausible and I had during the reading process accidentally focused on that topic.

If there is a serious and fundamental flaw in my process, or a missing gap; could someone who is technically more experienced explain to me.. where and what this gap is? Specific as possible, would be the most helpful.

The mods are split. The decision is going to be that I bug you in the comment section, but I also approve this single post. You're submitting three very short critiques that are mostly line edits. Personally, I'd rather have you expand the general feedback of your longer submossion for full approval. For now you're okay, but with the understanding you cannot bank extra words here in this manner.

>Iosif

The version you were reading was accidentally missing the last portion. I would encourage you to wait two weeks  as this "work" slowly gets cleaned up.

Grammar and phrasing is often awkward, feeling stilted and over-described. Sometimes I'll get lost in a tangled paragraph, and I won't even know what you're trying to describe. It's honestly very bad form; a lot of this was just difficult to read. There were places where your descriptors and good dialogue actually shone through, but they were few and far between, and were mostly drowned out by fairly bad grammar and form. 

The tension is good. I felt tense, unsure, and unsteady; just like Iosif. 

Overall, though, I don't entirely understand the story. Iosif says it's unbelievable, but it sounds like a pretty typical story off the streets of any large city; guy gets with a girl, and tries to kill her. She defended herself. 

The "reveal" that she was a prostitute wasn't a shocking reveal, but comical. His wallet could have been on the ground for any number of reasons; Iosif just made an assumption that she was a prostitute. And then, he said "Prostitution is highly illegal!" I get fro

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