Source
r/OCPoetry•
avir0

Inaequalitas Vitalis

A life worth living
is one where the good times outnumber
the bad ones.

That is what I tell myself that I think.

But when I look around,
gazing upon all the memories I have built,
I know I am but a liar,

For a moment's worth of bliss
is worth a sea of nightmares,

And a moment with you
would be worth all it had taken to get there.

~

This is my first poem here (and in general, if we are being honest). If you happen to stumble upon it, I hope you like it.

avir0

1.In The Graveyard of my Childhood (u/wandering__girl)

2.Sipping coffee social cues and stepping carefully (u/TEX-ZAG)

Posted Jan 22, 2022, 9:37 PM UTC · edited

1414
technically_art•

First off, welcome to the subreddit!

I can really feel the core idea of this poem - that some moments are worth more than others, and that a purely utilitarian view of what makes life worth living might miss the fact that life can be worth living even when it is miserable for the sake of a few truly great experiences. It's a powerful sentiment, and I think you've rendered it well here.

My major critique is of the third stanza: I think you can improve it by cutting it down and then expanding on what's left. "When I look around, gazing" - this phrase uses two verbs to get across what you can express with one. "I am but a liar" - this reads awkwardly for me, why include the word "but"? If you cut this stanza down a bit, you'll have more room to play with some imagery - what are some of the memories you've built? Are they a towering edifice, a crumbling ruin? Which memories stand out, visually?

In the fourth stanza, the word "sea" feels a little abrupt, because we haven't had any nautical or water metaphors up to this point. I think it's a fine word to use here, but consider paralleling the notion of a sea of nightmares elsewhere in the poem.

The last stanza is excellent - a beautiful, slightly-sappy sentiment that kicks the poem from an abstract meditation up to a personal dedication.

Overall, I think you have lovely poem here. It's a strong place to start, and while I do think it can benefit from some tinkering still, it's already quite nice. The language feels suitably stoic and the message is strong. Good work - keep the poems coming!

2
avir0OP•

Thank you so much for taking your time to give feedback. It feels almost surreal for someone to dedicate this much time to something I wrote. I understand what you are saying. There is in some points an overabundance of words that don't add to the poem at all, and there is a lack of consistent imagery, now that I take a look at it again. I will keep the poem as is, but I will try to improve. I am no poet, so I don't know if and for how much I will continue, but I will certainly take what was said here as a basis to improve on.

2
asearchforyou•

This is so romantic. I appreciate the sentiment, and I hope the intended recipient did as well.

2
avir0OP•

If I am being honest, being openly romantic is not in character for me (hence the more "hypothetical" writing in that part). It just felt right with this poem. It would be nice, but I am a bit socially awkward.

Thank you for the kind words.

2
asearchforyou•

Haha, I reread this and "being openly romantic is not in character for me" checks out. The poem sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself rationally something that might come naturally and easily to someone else. Still, romance is in the effort here. Romance is in the conclusion, "and a moment with you would be worth all it had taken to get there."

Who is the lucky person? Who is the lucky you?

2
avir0OP•

I don't know how to reply to this comment or the questions, but thank you. I am quite bad at opening up to others, and a stranger reading me like an open book is surprisingly comforting. Well, for what it is, at least.

2
asearchforyou•

Lol, you are sweet. And no worries! Just please keep sharing your poems and trying your best to seize the moment in real life when it is ripe and dangling within your reach.

There is a time for this, and a time for that. A time to stay quiet, and a time to speak up. A time for rational empirical analysis, and a time for ripping up one's spreadsheets to go out and place a bet.

2
tori-182•

The progression of your poem is really smooth and I found it overall really enjoyable! The first stanza, the "general statement" about life, set a specific tone and some kind of expectation of what would follow, maybe a continuation of the thought process.

The fact that the idea was questioned right afterwards in the 4th line and in the second stanza illustrates a breaking point and as a reader it felt like I directly shared the narrator's realisation. The reiteration and the honesty in the third and fourth stanzas, elegantly showed what was initially concealed in the first few lines of the poem.

This is honestly really good for a first poem :) Thank you for sharing and keep up the great work!

2
avir0OP•

Thank you very much for taking your time to give feedback. I like the way you have put it. Even though I did not set out to make my poem my "thought process", as the narrator opens up, it was constructed as such. Especially the first thing, about the "general statement" was very accurate, because that is what I started with, and the rest was free association, which i edited later.

2
thevoidcaptain•

Hey m, if this truly is your first poem than congrats. I sense your gift. That said, this is a bit rough, IMO of course. There are grammatical errors and the syntax leaves much to be desired. There is a undoubted latent talent hiding in there. The rawness is good. It’s all there on your sleeve. such emotion keep it up. Good work!

2
avir0OP•

Thank you very much for responding, and for the kind words. I will be sure to be more careful the next time I post. Of course, I will begin to do better only if I write more, so I will try to do that.

1
External-Yesterday56•

It was overly good, I mean when you read to the end. But the first line sounded like a cliche, it was a sentence that every one could came about, try to put on your creativity and I know you could do that. And it was a bit tall and boring, it was supposed to be the starter for the main course, you know! It should give appetite not got me stuffed! Anyway, the way you left your own feelings to the end, it was suitable to show your special person how you feel about him, it was romantic. Your ideas order was so suitable for expressing what she means for you, putting her at the end was like you want to end your life with her. And I don't mean suicide by the way 😂. I hope she got your sincere feelings, and I wish you improvement for your next poetries. Keep the hard work.

2
avir0OP•

I understand what you are saying. If I am being honest, I did not try at all to edit that part, simply because it was what I started with. I just wrote it, without thinking about it much, and the rest came as I got more into it. Thank you for the compliments, and for the wishes, though I am not the type of person to send a poem to somebody.

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