Dude, if he's just tired of it all, I think that's okay. Where he says, "you fools!" definitely fits that vibe. But again, some sentences sprinkled throughout about the months in captivity, the brutality, and the loss of the last of his fucks would help convey that. :)

Thank you so much for taking the time and critique my story! I got tons of todos out of your feedback.
I see now how sentence structure can improve the flow/digestibility of the plot and I think your "was verbing" advice will help me a lot in breaking everything up and let it breathe.

My biggest dread for my homework will be how i fix Adin's emotions. I absolutely agree with you that he's all over the place right now. When the story begins Adin is in captivity for a few months already and those mud dwarfs are so brutal and merciless so i wanted him at a place where he is so ground down and exhausted he is okey with dying but still wanted his fear to show how brutal his captors are. Anyway I either have to rethink that reasoning or make more effort explaining those swings.

Again, thank you for simply reading what i've written and then also for all the great advice you've given me.
This is a great sub!

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

So I thought the world sounded interesting--what little of it I was told. I like the idea of the seedsman, certain people being able to find special "seeds", whatever they are/do. I think the plot itself is a great idea for a first chapter; it's just the way it's written that holds it back.

**HOOK**

> For now he had to keep looking for marks in the nearby trees–and find some soon, lest he might share the fate of that poor birch.

This was the hook for me. First paragraph was a little difficult to read through--not because nothing happened, but because the sentences were so long and packed that I had to blink and re-read a few times to get it all straight in my head. But then it became obvious Adin's life was threatened, and that's as good a hook as any. The next 10-15 sentences I had to work through, again mostly because of sentence structure, but I liked this line, too:

> He probed the craggy rind with bruised hands, following its fissures through swollen ey

Thank you for taking the time and critique my submission. This is so much actionable advice i had to read your reply 3 times already and will probably have to reread it when i revise my chapter.

It's my first attempt at writing fiction and the reason I wanted to get it looked at in r/RDR is because the story felt suspiciously perfect to me. It's incredible how all the issues I haven't seen are super obvious now when i read the chapter after having read through all the critiques.

Thanks a lot!

Thank you for sharing your writing for us to critique, and I hope you're able to find actionable advice in my own meandering observations. I have no qualifications whatsoever so let's get right into it.

**Overall**

I don't really vibe with this piece. The begging slave, the weird monster slavemasters, the lack of a concrete, understandable goal to rescue the MC from his fate: it stresses me out. I'd say that's good tone but it's all jumbled and confused and kind of frustrating to read. 

**Description**

We're never grounded in a place other than a forest, the mud dwarfs aren't really described until paragraphs later (and in the midst of a very tense moment when I couldn't help but think-- is this the moment to stop and think about this?) and Adin himself is only described as a "tall, white man" which I mean-- vague, right? You refer to Adin as "the human" or Ugly as "a savage frog" and it trips up things. 

Moments like when Pinkie drags Adin into the tree, you obfuscate-- "dragged 

I am not done looking over the work. I just had homework last night.

If you intended it to be a mystery at first what he was, you don't have to explain it sooner?

Thanks for taking the time and reading my text! Reading your thoughts as you experienced the story was very helpful. Just having someone else talk about something you wrote makes the world feel so much more real even to me as the author, it's a great experience.

I will make sure to mention that adin is a human much sooner in my next revision.

Something has come up. The sections and paragraphs about plot, and so on, will come later.

>GENERAL REMARKS

So this chapter had a lot of almost comedic feel to it, because how tragic it was. However, I know this is the first chapter, and as such the rest of the chapters will likely have a different tone.

Overall, if someone put this in front of me and told me "This is written well, and we have proven it with measurements and standards", I wouldn't question it too hard. 

My biggest problems are that I don't have a mind's eye, so I was left out of the mental-visual journey that the other readers experienced (I'm 1% of the population, so you shouldn't account for me)

>MECHANICS

I think fantasy works well with some language that is old sounding, or using words that seem to be from a far away place, or something your grandpa with a PhD would use.

I'm not certain how the title fit the story. I have a feeling the seed being pulled out is going to awaken something bad, perhaps these grey gods. 

I believe the "hook", this really important seed. It feels like it's the heart of 

Thank you for submitting your writing and taking the first steps towards well... writing more, and figuring out plot progression, and all of that stuff.

I will get to the stuff about plot, characters, and be writing paragraphs on what I think. However, I like to start with my reading process as I read the story.

>Title

The grey gods, is an interesting title. Gods are scary, ominous, what do they want? Who knows. Grey can mean old, or grey in morality. 

>First thoughts 

I have seen a few names while skimming. I see the word "pinky" and I was like "Is this MLP? No...It something else". I have seen the word "ugly" as well, as a name.

Perhaps these beings are like dogs or horses. Named things like "lucky" and "bone". Perhaps they are a less advanced culture, or some native people somewhere. "Sitting Bull" is a perfectly acceptable name, many western names translate to "Patience" or "Oathkeeper".

>Ugly was strangling a birch tree with his bare hands, violently rocking it back and for

No I totally understand I'm in the same boat. You have the entire story in your mind and how it should go but often times you write as if the reader knows too. I'm writing my first novel as well and that's a tough lesson to learn haha. When you finish the wordier version if you want I'll give it a read. I also just posted my first chapter on here if you ever want to critique me back.

Thanks for the awesome critique, lots of great todos for me in there. I'm working on a revision right now and will take extra care to provide more about pinkie.

One thing i learnt from all the reviews is that there was a lot of stuff i thought and saw in my minds eye when reading the story purely because i knew all the background details. It didn't really occur to me that an actual reader needs these thoughts spelled out to have the same experience.

I'm trying a more wordy version now where i don't leave as much implied and see if it helps with the confusion.

Overall this story definitely has potential and started to grow on me as time went on. I'll do my criticisms in chronological order of the story:

**HOOK/1ST Paragraph:**

On first read through there were a lot of pieces to connect with this opening paragraph. Character introductions, world building, motivations. I think more context to this paragraph at least for me as a reader would be extremely beneficial. 

"Ugly was strangling a birch tree with his bare hands, violently rocking it back and forth until it creaked and cracked. The mud dwarf was in a rabid frenzy again, bellowing his animal rage into the hardwood."

Why is Ugly angry? Is prone to spontaneous fits? Has the search been going on too long? Is Adin's personality frustrating for him? Does he have a distain for Adin? Any kind of context on this here would help me grasp more clarity on first read through and digest the material a little easier. 

There's also 3 characters introduced: Ugly, Adin, and Pinkie and a lot of chara

The story: [Google Doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kh7xmkOND9ypuE2MYauaN0busA-H1WFdfmRs-n6Xj34/edit?usp=sharing)
My critiques: [[599] Blackrange - Prologue](https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/sans53/599_blackrange_prologue/htwalpv/) &amp; [[1890] Opening Chapter of Novel](https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/saxc2j/1890_opening_chapter_of_novel/htxt4p6/)

This excerpt is the opening scene of my high fantasy story. I'm a new writer so I don't have any specific concerns but am looking for general critique. Does the excerpt compel you to read on? Does the prose have a proper voice like you would expect from a novel in your bookshelf or does it read like the first attempt at writing from some non-native speaker? What was your most &amp; least favourite part?

Thank you so much for taking the time!

[1534] Gray Gods - Chapter 1