Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the work. 

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>indent the first paragraph

All the printed books I have on-hand begin chapters with an un-indented first paragraph. Seeing your comment, I checked the Shunn manuscript format, and indeed there is an indent in the opening paragraph. Thanks for pointing that out.

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>expand as a series

Yes, I think if I was going to write more, it would be isolated vignettes. Up next: A Man Enriches A Seal's Life With a Ukelele Performance.

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>THAT. ENDING

Glad it was so impactful for you. I'm sure you know yourself how numb you get to your own work once you've spent enough time on it. I wouldn't have imagined it resonating so strongly with anyone.

1. **general impression**: i like how the description of your post is lighthearted and seemingly insignificant then when i read your piece, it was "dark" and definitely existential. that ending gripped me hard lol, in a good way. your story lingers in my mind, and it may have to for some while. it's good. really good.
2. **environment** *(setting of this fictional story, characters involved, and the real-life locations and cultures mentioned)*: the environment was well-described; it was easy to know where the story was and who was around in an instant. beyond where the "main story" was set, however, there were other details that added verisimilitude: where the community center is, its sister city, where the tortoise came from (location *and* time period), and where the reporters are broadcasting this event. i love how this story set in one place and one moment (the community center and during the mariachi band's performance)... and the said performance wasn't even described much. and i

>Nothing ever ends, does it?

lol.. no... no it doesn't

Thanks u/md_reddit. The question is, would the ending really have been stronger if you saw it coming? Regardless, it wouldn't be true to myself to write the tortoise having an epiphany like that and what it would do to the theme. 

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>polish it up

*shudders* Nothing ever ends, does it?

This is really good. You definitely have writing talent. It's  one of the best submissions of this length I've read here. I suggest you polish it up a bit and submit it to a few flash-fiction competitions.

One thing: the ending is strong but I was expecting the reverse - that the tortoise might see its own reflection and remember what its kind looks like. It didn't turn out that way, but by mentioning  the fact that it had forgotten the appearance of its own species (in a piece this short) I expected something along those lines.

> It conspicuously has an agenda where no other line does.

I think the content of the sentence is perfectly sound.

It's just the only one with a slightly archaic inversion of word order, which would have been perfectly fine in a slightly sillier sentence. Coming in one of the more serious sentences of the thing, is has that *novelese* sound to it we all try (yourself otherwise successfully) to avoid.

As far as an agenda, even if it feels like a bluntly direct statement, it's very much on theme, in the sense of presenting a kind of watching which isn't actually watching in any meaningful sense. 

At the risk of being a cunt, I'd say the easiest way to bring it into line with the rest of the thing is to cut out the negative and instead present an image of positive content with an emptiness behind it, like my dubious analysis of the final image:

> They watch with their phone cameras

---

In other news, I had a squiz at your profile to see if you'd pumped out any succulent shitposts i

Hello shitpost sensei.

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>They watch not with eyes but with cameras

Yes, I could smell the weakness in this one. It conspicuously has an agenda where no other line does. 

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>I will try and imitate it in some roundabout way

By all means. Much appreciated.

Was about not to click on this till I saw who it was.

The sentence:
> They watch not with eyes but phone cameras

is a little below the standard of all the others.

Beyond that, the sense of vertiginous meaningless was nicely consolidated by evoking the timescale of the tortoise's history, and there's something marvellously empty in the last sentence - this is notable, because it's a sentence with quite obvious content, and often when people try less skilfully to induce a sense of emptiness, they'll use a sentence which tries to draw attention to said emptiness ("There was nothing in his hands" etc.). Having noticed how much better the effect is of instead presenting a vivid image conspicuously lacking in substance, I will try and imitate this technique in some roundabout way.

Hope that's comprehensible.

This is not meant to be a high-effort critique.

Sounds like there is a good reason it is the way it is, then!

"Signposting" is probably a good thing to keep in mind, and I think if I'm writing something I want people to enjoy reading, it aligns with my instincts. That said, I'm a bit of a narrative sadomasochist, and think you can probably get away without it, as long as you're willing to potentially not be as memorable to some readers (fake fans, nonbelievers).

Hi u/kataklysmos_. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Appreciated.

Regarding the wording of the final sentence, ultimately the reason of why it is what it is is because *I want it to be.* Sort of related, I did reading something recently about a writing technique... I can't remember where and only vaguely recall the details... something about signposting your descriptions or your 'big lines' so the reader doesn't accidentally skim over them while reading.

Things like:

*The thing about John, the thing we all couldn't get past; (insert fascinating observation here)*

Rather than

*John was (thing)*.

That probably doesn't illustrate very well what it was about, and I wish I could link it or had maybe reread it so it sunk more deeply into my brain. I guess what I want to say is that, *in my opinion*, the way the end of this story reads now attempts to focus the reader's mind on what it is I want to impart rather than just coming to an abrupt and perhaps jarring halt.

I think you can trim down some parts a little bit. Is there any reason the last sentence shouldn't be:

 "All she sees in the tortoise's obsidian eye is her own reflection." ?

Or that "They watch not with eyes but phone cameras" shouldn't just be "They watch with phone cameras." ? 

Flash fiction like this is most impactful for me in series or as interludes in larger pieces, so no data on interesting/meh. I like the note that the sister city is Hiroshima.

Thanks, /u/chemaster23, for your time and observations, especially your servicing of my ego.

I think flash and shorter stories do have an advantage over longer forms of writing (not that longer forms don't have their own advantages) -- you basically have fewer opportunities to fuck things up, you have to be concise, and it's easier for an author to be "in the zone" inspiration-wise for a few hundred words rather than a few thousand or more. Maybe I had those things going  for me here.

Interesting that you like the *eyes/camera* line, I was leaning toward cutting it. Not everyone who disliked it also mentioned disliking the bit afterward about *recording for posterity, etc*, even though that line is dependent on the camera one for meaning (maybe their disapproval was implied).

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>How many pictures do you ever look back on?

Yes, I wonder that often about people. Admittedly, I have looked back on my own camera roll a few times (though there isn't, as you might guess, a whole l

**General Impressions:** This is probably, if not definitely, the best piece of writing I've read on this forum so far. I actually first read this several hours ago, early in the day. I went to work, ate, slept, and through it all, your piece was stuck in my mind. That is not something many pieces of writing do. I liked it so much I immediately sent it to my father to read. (Still waiting to hear back though.) 

**Environment:** Although there wasn't all that much here, there was enough. Your first line literally sets up just about everything we need to know. If this was a full on novel, I'd have some issues with it as it could definitely be seen as way too on the nose. But you can't critique a fish for how it climbs a tree. 

In reality, the entire piece is setting up the environment. To me, every line is building up to the final one. Without all the pieces coming before, building the picture more and more, the ending wouldn't work quite as well. I believe questioning the inclusion of

I'm sure you don't care about downvotes anyway, but I just want to clarify it wasn't me. Thanks for taking the time to write your critique. I know how time-consuming it can be.

In regards to the many instances of *is* in this story, unfortunately all I can offer you are my sincerest condolences. It was a stylistic decision  I made for this particular work and am happy with (mostly... maybe I'll experiment with more active language).

I do agree with you about the *phone cameras* line. Definitely a crowd displeaser. I'll be reworking that one.

You're probably right as well about its functionality as a flash/microfiction. As much due to the subject matter as due to the way it's written. I think it'll be hard to find a home for.

Cheers!

Hello! Russian Judge here! I will be strongly going against the popular opinion.

Me: flash aficionado. 

My hill to die on: line by line is the highest effort for anything below 500 words rules be damned!

This takes place in a courtyard out the front of a community centre in Australia. 

\- Giant yawn, also worldbuilding. Why? did they drive the tort there? Zero hook.

A placard, fused to an empty pedestal, announces this town’s sister city is Hiroshima, Japan.

\- Love the hiroshima detail! but I think its a bit too funny? the rest of the story doesn't edge humor so I think using a good humor beat in your first sentence (cause the other sentence before this has got to go.) cuts off your knees.

  
There is a tortoise.

\- Oh good a "there is" sentence. A short absolute sentence can be nice, can pack a punch but there is -- and is verbs in general -- are weak leaky constructions in my opinion.

  
Four men in big, embroidered hats strum guitars and blow trumpets. 

\--Brosideon, lo

u/Cy-Fur *browses records in a music store. The guy who works there hands them something from the prog-rock section:* A Mariachi Band Serenades A Tortoise*, the latest album by* boagler*.*

*"Meh,*" u/Cy-Fur says, *"I liked their old music better."*

What can I say? This story is what it is. Don't worry, I'll still write things like *ATBBCB* and *NTLM...* this is but a fleeting glimpse of a tortoise and a mariachi band.

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>The use of the numbers leaves me feeling like I'm missing something, or maybe searching for meaning that's not there.

Thank you. The only thing you are missing is that you are *supposed* to feel like you are missing something and searching for meaning that's not there. I included the numbers to deliberately cultivate a sense of an overarching pattern, a deeper meaning to it all, which on closer inspection yields nothing. But maybe it's even better for you to have not been sure whether it was meaningless--because maybe there *is* a deeper meaning to it all. 

I think a lot of my thoughts echo u/onthebacksofthedead but maybe not for the same reason that they’re disappointed by this piece. I think I just don’t quite grasp why you made the decision to write this piece this way. The prose style feels very different from what I read from you in *A Border Town* and *Never To Leave Me,* so maybe that’s what’s driving my confusion.

I generally associate your work with strong turns of phrase (especially your creative verb usage) and striking use of metaphor and simile. The railroad lines compared to the barrels of a shotgun still echo around in my head after reading *A Border Town*, as does the vehicles in garages being compared to predatory big cats. As a result, I find it very peculiar that this story didn’t contain the hallmarks of your prose that I’ve grown to love about your stories and look forward to. Was that done intentionally? Maybe, but I still can’t help but feel a little let down. 

u/onthebacksofthedead pointed out all the copulas str

I liked it! I do like short and super-short stories. I feel like in short bursts there's an economy of words and clarity you need to have to get across the story in such a short format, that it almost doesn't get analyzed the same way a longer story would where you can wax a bit. OF course from a critique sense, that means every observation "bites" a lot more since each note is saying stuff about a larger percentage of story! Anyway, here are some notes.

**TONE**: For me, at first pass, the biggest issue is changing tone. Tone for me is the vehicle a lot of any creative work rides on - what's the expectation of tone, does the tone wander without a reason, etc. I think the title suggests a "hey, here's a slice of life moment that will be interesting" and for the most part the story delivers that tone with a few exceptions.

**SPECIFICS**: Most of my specfiics are in the "show don't tell" variety. 

"This takes place in a courtyard" feels out of place since most of the story is show don

A while back I saw a news segment on TV about, you guessed it, a mariachi band serenading a tortoise. I can't remember why they were doing such a thing. More recently, the subway station where I disembark for work has been showing a segment from a zoo in which someone plays a ukelele for a seal. The caption says something about it being "an enriching musical experience."

Anyway, here's a flash fiction I've excreted about projecting meaning. Interesting or *meh*?

\[removed\]

Critique: [\[514\] 00:04:02](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/sexe29/comment/huo9owa/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Cheers

[269] A Mariachi Band Serenades A Tortoise