Hi all!

This is an excerpt of a literary fiction novel I've been chipping away at. It won't make much sense without some context from chapter 1. Obviously I don't expect people to read over 5300 words before critiquing this segment, so I'll provide a brief summary of the first chapter:

Benji is disabled from the waist down. He has since developed a number of mental health issues, which leads him to have difficulty interacting with others and an overwhelming sense of alienation. After a new arrival to a club Benji attends captures his attention, he struggles with maintaining a façade of normality in their conversation. The façade eventually dissipates, causing him to exit the club mid-session in tears.

Unfortunately, I can't really summarize the many metaphors I introduced throughout the first chapter. Only one is introduced in this segment, but at least half a dozen others appear. Sorry for any confusion here, but it wouldn't make any sense for me to reintroduce them in this segment.

Content Warning

This character is full of trauma. If you are not in the right head space or are sensitive to this type of content, then I would suggest you refrain from reading this segment.

A note on stylistic oddities

There are a fair number of unconventional stylistic choices I've made for this story. If you would like to critique these choices, then I kindly request that you critique my execution, rather than my decision to include these. Choices include: long sentences; long paragraphs; many clauses; grammatical liberties; metaphor overload.

Specific Questions

1. Was the spider metaphor clear?
2. Were you able to follow the MC's movements?
3. Were you able to identify what happened to the MC and his family, and where he's heading next?

General Questions

1. I previously wrote the first chapter in past tense, but it didn't quite feel right. I've since switched to present tense. Did you find that present tense fit the narrative style?
2. While hardly like James Joyce, I do include some stream-of-consciousness elements. On the sliding scale of Brandon Sanderson to James Joyce, how "readable" was the prose? If it took a lot of effort to read, did you find the effort at least somewhat rewarding?
3. Have you ever read anything of a similar style? If yes, I'd love to know!
4. While not autobiographical, I definitely experience catharsis while writing this story. Did the MC's voice feel distinct, and separate from the author's?

Not that I want to control the freely provided feedback I receive, but please understand that I'm writing for a niche audience. I would greatly appreciate it if you would take that into consideration. :)

Thank you for reading and/or critiquing!

Crits: 869 | 1974

Submission: The Bridge of Promises