Source
r/ADHD•
dkrizzy

Urge to argue

Questions/Advice/Support

Hello everyone,

I got diagnosed with ADHD this year as an adult (M31).

I'm having some marital issues, and a lot of seems to be ADHD related.

There is one thing I keep doing and it's so hard to figure out what I can do about it or steps to help me.

I can't stop arguing my point with people including my wife, about stupid things, like restaurants, whether someone was in a movie, whether we have enough time to do something, etc.

Does anyone else do this?

What are some tips you have?

What can I do to make my wife feel heard when I do this?

Thanks everyone ❤️

Posted Feb 6, 2022, 2:48 AM UTC

821
westernguy339•

I cant stop arguing either its just fun and I like it. What I do and it's not a perfect solution is just never stand by my points. I know I'm willing to argue without thinking, so I just yield my point without thinking too. When it's something that doesn't really matter of course. And lean in into the apology "oh ya your absolutely right, I didn't think it thru, excellent point"

4
dkrizzyOP•

Thanks for the advice!

I want to get there, it's like the last thing my meds are not really helping with, I have anxiety too so that doesn't help.

I'm being a lot sympathetic and apologize often to my wife so she feels like I'm not brushing it off.

1
westernguy339•

I used to have bad social anxiety and have since replaced it with reckless over-confidence in myself. Again maybe not a perfect solution but I try not to over think things and go on instinct. I'll go right up to my boss or the cool kids at a party and ramble my opinion, the trick is to know when to retreat. Keep your opinions fluid and don't dig in on a point.

1
westernguy339•

With the wife it also helps to randomly compliment her on something she sees in herself as flawed. Bad hair? "Honey I love the way it looks its so special". Too fat or skinny? "Are you serious? That's the best body type anyone can have, it's super attractive" ect

1
DutchTimeLordBeanADHD-C (Combined type)•

I had this. Cognitive behaviour therapy and emotion regulation therapy really helped me.

3
dkrizzyOP•

Thanks!

I think my therapist isn't helping very much, she isn't very well versed in ADHD.

I'm on a waiting list to see someone else at another place that specializes in it so I'm excited!!

3
GO00OfyADHD-C (Combined type)•

I’m still argumentative but after some therapy and just getting older, way less. I would seek out some therapy if you think it’s bad for your relationships. Better safe than sorry, and talking with a therapist will almost always help you somehow.

3
dkrizzyOP•

Thanks! I'm hoping a new therapist can help me more, mine isn't very helpful.

1
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2
Temptopermthrowaway•

I have this - my psychiatrist said this is called “oppositional” when evaluating my ADHD diagnosis. I’m not sure of the treatment just yet, but it’s recognised “trait” and might help you to get help. I don’t mean to cause arguments, but my impulsivity can’t help but tell people why I’m right, not why they are wrong.

2
dkrizzyOP•

Thanks! I didn't think about it as an impulse thing. That makes more sense now.

I thought I may use it as stimulus but not quite sure yet. It's frustrating.

It's nice getting names associated with these things. I just thought it was something I got from my Dad (Although I'm like 95% sure my Dad has ADHD based on looking back at my childhood)

1
Temptopermthrowaway•

They say ADHD can be genetic too you know…

Yes it’s affected my work really badly to argue out my point in “discussions” - trying to hold it in is damaging. Physically and mentally - I have no control. That’s the impulse side of ADHD. That’s what the psychiatrist told me. Mention it in your next evaluation:)

1
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1
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1
J-t-Architect•

My GF gets mad at me at times bc I get to brush off an argument or bad behavior with "blame it on my ADD". She gets no such luxury. So I am trying, now recently prescribed for adhd, trying to not be so snide, synical nor flippant regarding her thoughts or position on things. It is difficult to still myself to patiently listen to whatever she is saying. I will often resort to a cliff-note/ spark-note version of her conversation. I will shut up and let her talk, letting my mind wander and record critical bits of what she says. I will purposefully stop her and interject "really, they said that?" or "wait! Say that again? I can't believe it!" It shows her I am attentive and listening to what she is saying though my mind will be miles away.

2
dkrizzyOP•

Thanks for the advice! Never thought about it from the other end. I'm trying not to blame it on that too much and try to make changes, but sometimes it's like I'm not even thinking at all.

1
J-t-Architect•

We are always thinking. Just our speech and actions don't jive with our thoughts.

1
sayingwHatwHeird83•

Yup I am very argumentative. When I take my pills I am very agreeable. It stems from the fact that when you argue or experience rage, endorphins flow. So getting people upset gets you high. You need to be aware of what’s happening and nip it in the bud fast. Sometimes why wife will say you’re too much right now. That helps me be aware of what I’m doing.

1
dkrizzyOP•

I'm thinking about code words but don't want to put any more emotional burden on my wife. Im on meds but took a break because I'm on vaca but I just started them like 2 weeks ago so maybe it's too soon to do that

Thanks for your advice!

1
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
Hot-Suggestion7067•

Perhaps you feel threatend? Like someone is trying to hurt you or that if you turn out to be wrong you will be judged. Maybe you have some struggles that you can't talk to people about, so you use arguing to exoress your emotions? Maybe you want to be appretiated, so you do it by always showing your point? Could also be stress from work and stuff. Could also be anxiety. My first step to fixing an issue is usually to understand where the issue is coming from.

1
tramce•

I've been thinking about this a lot.. it is so easy for people to get me riled up intentionally or unintentionally (looking to go into therapy). I hate that a) I'm such an easy target for people who also have a need to argue and b) I instigate arguments with friends/family who just expressed an opinion with no interest in debating it.

I think there are some good points on impulse, endorphins, mood, temper etc frequently being at least part of the root cause many times.

But also maybe sometimes for me, when it's a more abstract or conceptual matter, it feels more like obsession/hyperfocus? Like I can't "let go" of the thing.. and I continue to beat the dead horse long after anyone else cares. I think in these times, the debate is me processing the concept in real time.. which cool if you're in debate class but not cool when you're just trying to have a nice time with friends. Unfortunately, i always leave the impromptu debate/argument with feelings of shame, regret, and embarrassment.

1