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This poem starts off really strong and just falls flat at the end. The first two stanzas are perfectly written: they situate the reader in the narrator's experiences, in the scene itself, and in some rich poetic language. They are elevated above normal prose because of their enjambment, rhythm and creative writing. These elements are lacking in the final two stanzas.

The second last stanza establishes the ironic situation of the narrator, but does not elaborate it in the fashion fitting the already established poetic framework (a misogynistic situation —> sexual arousal —> subtextual acknowledgment of the immorality of such a reaction). Reworking this stanza to follow this pattern would help it substantially.

The last stanza is the weakest part of the poem, and what undoes its amazing start. "blossom like a flower" is incredibly cliché. And the "pawn" motif of the title is only introduced here, despite it being titular. I would ditch this symbol and reattach it to something more appropriate with the poem's subject matter — dice (rolled around in men's hands, whimsy and fate)? Shoes (used and abused, literally ground down but enjoying it)?

Feel free to ignore my suggestions. I was just so initially impressed and then disappointed that I thought this feedback would be useful to an obviously talented poet.

hi alloftheocean. i enjoyed your poem, it was an honest exploration of the narrator's supposed internal hypocrisy, or the being against female objectification yet still yearning to be seen in a sexual light by men. i think this is a relatable/common thing as girls receive a lot of mixed messages - that we ought to actively oppose sexualization, but at the same time, that a whole chunk of our self-worth boils down to how desirable we are to the opposite sex.

i think that the first two stanzas were very well written. the first made me cringe a bit because i think too many of us have known an "overtly-sexual line cook" in the workplace, lol. but it works, especially with the term "greasy fingers" which adds to the ick factor. the line "so they can burn a hole through my legs" in the second stanza was equally punchy and vivid. i do like another commenter's idea though, that the word "burn" could be swapped for something pool-related. i think their suggestion "punt" could work.

i didn't actually mind your more abrupt ending choice, but i think it could be revised. i'd maybe consider starting the third stanza with the rhetorical question "is it strange..." again, instead of "it's a bit twisted...". the repetition could help tie the poem together and emphasise how the narrator is questioning whether the sentiments she feels is normal.

the imagery of the pansy in the last stanza does feel a bit random. same with the pawn, seeing as chess is not mentioned elsewhere in the poem. i would maybe consider using more pool references here instead. perhaps "and then bend over" to allude to the narrator bending over the pool table. then "to be their next target" or "to be their next cue". these are all just ideas and I'm sure better ones can be thought of. but overall, this is a solid poem, it could maybe just benefit from a more rounded ending. :-)

I really like it and the narrative thread is clear. But I agree with previous commentors that the imagery doesnt hit in the end, which in my opinion could be improved my changing some more words that use the images introduced. For instance:
so they can burn a hole through my legs(you could have emphasized to pool imagery and wrote, since the fire theme isnt explored):

so they can plow/punt/poke a hole through my legs.

A compelling poem, if a bit unsettling.

I'll echo the sentiment that the line "so they can burn a hole through my legs" feels a little off. There's a lot of pool terminology you could draw from as a replacement. One pool term that might be of use here is "pocket", which refers to the holes in the table the players are trying to get their balls into. Consider e.g. "so they can line up a shot on my pocket"

In the third stanza, the word "writing" could potentially be replaced by a more charged term like "railing".

The line "blossom like a pansy" is a bit cliche, as others have pointed out. I think it fits the tone of the poem here to use a double entendre for sexual excitement (at least that is how I read this line) - there are probably other, better ways to get that point across.

The "pawn" terminology could potentially be replaced, there aren't any chess metaphors in this poem, so maybe another term would be more appropriate. "Toy" or "prey" might work. Whatever you choose, I think it would be wise to change the previous line to fit the chosen term as a metaphor. If you stick with pawn for example,

"and then march forward on command / to be their next pawn"

although that loses the sexual connotations of a flower opening. I'm not sure what the ideal change is here, but it's worth going back and playing with this last couplet some more.

Overall - a compelling poem that made me feel icky in a good way. The first stanza is especially effective at immediately setting the tone of weirdly-atavistic enjoyment of creepiness. It's good stuff - keep the poetry coming!

I'd like to piggyback off u/mtskheti, but offer a different possiblity -- In the piece, I took 'pawn' as word play: pawn/porn; being used & objectified. My suggestiong would be too look at the latter half, and where you could bring in simile or metaphor relating to chess.

Things to consider for this might be: En Passant, where a pawn is allowed to take another pawn, by passing it in specific situation -- this could relate to the speaker being taken (or a part of them being taken) by the men that pass and oggle them. Or the promotion when a pawn reaches the other side of the board. Usually a player would promote their piece to a queen -- like my set comes with two queens for each colour because of this -- but in this situation the speaker could pass up the opportunity to become a queen, and continue to be a pawn once reaching the other side. You could also consider that pawns have the lowest point value, and that they are often used to push back, or bait stronger pieces.

All in all, the latter half does need more show and less tell, to level it with the opening stanzas -- and maybe a few chess references could give you that?

Great piece, I really enjoyed reading this -- I hope my feedback has been helpful :)

The poem shows great introspection on the part of the narrator.

Irony is the word that comes to mind. She is now the subject of her own analysis. I'm not sure if the questions are rhetorical ones. It seems like she already has her own answers, but she rejects their adequacy in order to continue a "twisted" pleasure.

I agree with the other commenter about the focus of the title being on "Pawn" because the chess analogy came out of the blue. I actually checked out the poem as an avid chess player who likes poems about dialecticals.

Here, I was jolted with a surprise, but a pleasant one.

Very interesting. Loved it nonetheless, it gives certain emotion of accountability but also a twist of loving danger. Explorations of sense of what we like and we shouldn’t want but we do at times. Visuals are very strong you can imagine the pool atmosphere the men acting out. Chaos environment

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I find that poem strange. I am certain it is not meant to be erotic, especially because it is demeaning to the main character. And yet, I felt slight arousal... Call me bad if you want.