Friendships and ADHD, do you have good friends?
So I get along with almost everybody and many people do consider me a friend. Sometimes really quickly. Like I meet a person once and they want my number and stay in contact and what not.
But I feel like I dont have any "good" friends. Like I have "best" friends and always had some. But usually my "best" friends disappear suddenly for one reason or another. And even though I consider them my best friend it is usually just because we Spend a lot of time together.
Now, what really bothers me though, I feel like most people dont really care about me? Like they do enjoy me being around but they never really care about me.
It seems like I dont understand friendship. People never hit me up and if so just for get togethers. People never invite me to smaller gatherings or just to hang out. It is always a Group thing. When I dont reach out they dont. And I dont know anything really about my friends and neither do they about me.
But when I am in the locker room in my Team so many people know so much about each other and I always wonder how. Like when do they talk to each other about Private plans or the girl they met or whatever? I dont even know what my teammates do for work or if they are Single.
I just feel like if I would turn silent no one would ask about me.
So I was wondering if it is me that just doesnt really understand friendships and does something wrong or if maybe adhd is something that makes it harder to get a real friendship?
I dont know. Always feels like it is easy even for best friends I shared Personal feelings with to just go and forget about me. And not care about me. It just means to me that people I just have fun with and dont talk about feelings and stuff wont miss me at all.
This came up because recently I was diagnosed with rather severe depression and didnt know who I would talk to about it, since my gf used to be the one I Talked to about stuff like that. And I just posted some stories hoping someone would ask about it. Some people did. I Talked sometimes hours about it with some people, some I havent seen in like 10 years even. They cared. And it seems like my "main" friendgroup knows about my depression because they were very friendly recently and very huggy.
But I still have to hit people up. Nobody asks about it. Even people I told that I dont want to be alone dont ask if I want to do something. I have to ask every damn weekend if someone has time to do something with me and I often end up alone and with people not answering.
It is not like when I see people I am just a sad lump or want to talk about how bad I feel. I try to have fun with those peeps and make them laugh and feel good. Still no one seems to want to spent time with me. Especially alone or in a small Group.
Posted Feb 7, 2022, 12:00 PM UTC
My best friend has put up with me for 21 years now, absolutely no idea how. I have friends, now that I'm medicated, but before that I "had people who floated in and out of my life and it really doesn't matter". They would be called friends while they were around, but poof, like magic, they're gone.
All of my wife's long time friends have gradually been diagnosed with adhd.
I mean I have like 2 friends I met in Kindergarden. We've been friends for 27 years now. But it is still very superficial. We see each other for birthdays, festivals and sometimes just for a beer in a pub. Like 5 times a year. Mostly I dont know what is going on in their life and they never ask me.
My "best" friends of 15 years hooked my gf up with a new guy and that is when I ended this friendship. Even though one of them knew very well that I had depression before. But he was also the one telling me I dont have adhd and dont need to be tested.
My best female friend Was on my side for like a month and after that she told me to act like a grown up and that the life of my ex is not something I have to know about and we kinda never Talked again after that. She told me I act like a 12 year old and adhd is not an excuse to act like that and that she is busy with marriage preparations (she marries in 8 months) and doesnt have time to Listen to me being upset about being ignored or seeing her on a walk with her new guy like 3 minutes from my home etc.
Before that I had a best friend for like 10 years which I spent time with every weekend and twice a week for Sport. One day he decided he didnt want to come to my birthday because something "better" came up but Lied to me about it. After that he never Talked to me again.
And apart from those people I never know what is going on in other peoples life and nobody wants to know anything about me. I dont know why.
Friendships are weird, they are often lopsided because communication between friends is different than between people we have romantic relationships with. No by choice but by society. Showing you love your friend by telling them that (especially between men) is extremely "weird".
My best friend, I know for a fact, I'm not his best friend, but thats ok. We talk like... twice a week, sometimes less, mostly just sharing Instagram posts or random thoughts. I only just told him about my depression and anxiety diagnosis', and those have been a thing for almost half a year. Honestly not even my wife knows that goes on in my life all the time.
Adhd is actually developmental, holds you back by a good few years, almost a decade some say, and actually keeps you at an age below 20. So, emotionally, yeah adhd is the cause and you can't really do much about it, so its ok to be more emotional or seem "childish" to others.
It sounds like they were generally pretty mediocre people in general š¤·āāļø very little understanding or room for accepting you and your life.
My suggestion would be pick your current hobby and see if you can find some local groups for said hobby (pandemic makes it hard i know) and that way you can at least start being around people, maybe turn them into friends.