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Posted Feb 9, 2022, 5:21 PM UTC
[removed]
Posted Feb 9, 2022, 5:21 PM UTC
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i love this! reminds me of the show "love deaths and robots" haha i feel like
Everyone wants to live forever. How neat! I enjoyed this, well done!
I enjoyed this poem, it read as very cohesive and had a bit of a spooky vibe to it, likely due to this line: "Vestiges with hollowed eyes"
What I felt lacked in this poem was an emotional "umph". It speaks to our digital footprint (or our footprint in general) outliving the dead, but were a reader to ask "so what", I don't think the poem could provide an answer. I think, if you were looking to add to the poem, you could focus on what emotions you want this concept to rouse in the reader. Do you think this footprint is a good thing? how should the dead feel about their legacy? Should we be disturbed by the "hollowed eyes"? or celebrate the remains of the people we love?
Otherwise, I think the writing itself is strong, and I enjoyed the rhyming.
Beautiful. I liked the rhyme schemes. However, there are two issues. In the second stanza, second line, it should say 0, not 'o'. For the second issue, look on the first stanza second line and first line. I would have put when somebody dies, and then put the next words in the next line. (But then, you would have to make it either a five-line or three-line poem, and I don't think that is your intention.)
Anyway, good job.
I like the line " a trail of one's and o's remain" It's an interesting concept that we'll live on through what we put on the internet. If that is the case, this poem will also live on forever.
I love this! The whole concept of people living on as electronic fossils in the internet is wonderful!
I also like the rhyme. Some of the words are close but not exact, but that's okay, it still helps the poem flow.
The meter is not exact but there's still a rhythm to the verses. Like the rhymes, it's not exact but it still sings.
The imagery is vivid and great, the extended metaphor consistent and spooky, although in a somewhat humorous way.
I guess if I had to nitpick, I almost think "fossils" is the wrong word. The way you write the poem, it's more like digital zombies!
Nice job!
Thank you! Please nitpick away, haha. I was struggling with the title, and just defaulted to a placeholder