I don't recognize myself anymore and i have nothing to live for.
5 years ago i was a different person. I have went from underweight to overweight. I had a large social network and knew lots of people, today i have 3 fake friends i barely know when i go to work/school, which i havent done more than a handful of times the last 3 months due to diagnosed health anxiety due to covid. My family isn't much of a comfort either, my parents hate each other and reign hellfire on each other every change they get, and they've used me to be on their side ever since i was a kid. I swear they are both manipulators. I have never attempted to end it all, but i constantly think about it. Nothing i do gives me anything more than momentary happiness. I feel like i have no future, no plans. It's exhausting, to grow up with an emotionally abusive family, to be so insecure id rather wear a mask than show people my face, and to be so bad socially nobody truly gives a shit about me. Sorry for posting this.. needed to vent, even to strangers on the internet.
Posted Feb 16, 2022, 12:32 AM UTC
I have nothing helpful to say but I’m so sorry and I definitely feel you. My parents also used me as a pawn in their fights throughout my childhood, and I also have no sense of happiness or a future. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Thank you! Thing is, it's not just my parents, its pretty much everyone in family is in one big war. My mom grew up with two nut jobs and become a bit sociopathic over the years. They happened to be in the same boat as my parents are to me today. My dad grew up with two parents who, its obvious don't love each other. To top it off his father is a pretty loveless and calculated person, yet nicer than my mom's parents. And to top this all off they're both remarried. My stepfather is a pretty nice person, though he never let me in 100%. My stepmother though, who I've spent half my life living with is a abuser from an abusive family. She never hit me, but all i remember when i see her to this day is the angry bitter person who screamed at me every time i wasn't perfect. Even as a 10 year old. And to come to a conclusion, every one always had an agenda for everything where they were right and i should obiously live with the parent that person liked more. I've moved back and forth somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 times due to this and am excited to GTFO this summer.
Yeah that sounds like a recipe for trauma :-( people really need to sort their shit out before forming relationships with other people and definitely before bringing children into this world. I’m so sorry you grew up with that
It is indeed. Totally agree, if i ever have kids I'm gonna make sure both me and my future partner have are heads in the right place first, but scared a kid with the extended family i have will be a bad thing. Thank you for listening to me vent. Really nice to just write it to a total stranger. Have a good day/night.