Amor Fati - I love my fate
I've been studying and "practicing" stoicism for a few months now, and I've been dealing with a leaky basement for a 2 years.
2 years ago when I would discover water in my basement after a hard rain I would cuss, I would throw a small fit, it would ruin my mood for a while. I would stress and worry and sometimes lose sleep over it. It seemed everything we tried didn't work. We were really trying to avoid putting in an interior sump pump because our newly finished basement would get wrecked and it would essentially triple the cost of all of the work we had put in to it.
But the last thing we tried worked. It really worked. For a year it didn't leak. It wasn't something I worried about anymore.
Until a couple of days ago.
A hard rain came, one we haven't seen here in years. It rained very hard for almost 2 whole days straight. The anxiety started to rear its head. I checked the problem area every so often, but there was nothing. Bone dry. I skipped lunch at work and drove home instead to check it again. Dry.
But life seems to really love irony. When I got home from work I checked the basement again. Water. A LOT of water.
But the irony was, it wasn't from the area that it used to come from. It was from a totally new area. There was another weak link in my waterproof chain I didn't know about.
But this time I didn't cuss, or yell, or throw a tantrum. I didn't let me anxiety spike. I went to the store, bought a couple of extra fans, got my dehumidifier running, and started vacuuming. Even my wife mentioned how surprised she was that I wasn't in a crabby mood.
You see the difference this time was I realized I really didn't have control over the situation at first. My basement leaking this time was out of my control, at least temporarily. Until this moment I didn't really know it was vulnerable. Without having someone inspect my crawlspace I never would have known. But now I do, and now I know where the water came from and now I know how to fix it, for good!
Practicing and learning stoicism can really make a difference in your life. The mental clarity is astonishing. Getting angry or upset doesn't help your situation, it only serves to make your situation worse. A clear mind allows for you to completely assess your situation and act in a manner more favorable to you.
There are soooo many good thoughts from the various stoics about "passions" and anxiety but this seems to be one that fits very well in my current situation.
"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible."
-- (As u/GD_WoTS pointed out this quote wasn't directly Epictetus but was from Sharon Lebell’s The Art of Living, an interpretation of Epictetus rather than a translation.)
In my case "outer effectiveness" came in the form of just getting a handle on the situation and getting shit done. No whining or anger, just problem solving and a clear mind.
Stoicism is so powerful and empowering.
Posted Feb 18, 2022, 5:23 PM UTC · edited
[deleted]
Here is a great page from the daily stoic about breakups.
https://dailystoic.com/how-to-recover-from-a-breakup-timeless-lessons-from-the-stoics/
Being a stoic doesn't mean that you no longer care or don't feel feelings.
[deleted]
Her actions and feelings are out of your control. BUT there is still a part of this situation that is in your control. I know this sounds cheesy but you can choose to learn from it. I'm sure you weren't 100% at fault and neither was she. Reflecting on your faults in the relationship sounds awful but it can be constructive if you stay humble about it. Recognize your faults and then try to actively improve yourself in those areas over time. You can pull good from any terrible situation if you put your mind to it. Major breakups were often the events that helped me learn more about myself than any other.
It'll get better man, things usually get easier as time goes on.
[deleted]
Know your value.
She did not value you enough to be with you, therefore she wasn't the amazing match you thought she was.
Work on yourself to the point where you learn your value enough that if someone doesn't want to be with you, you are ok with that.
You have yourself, and that should be enough.
[deleted]
Did you communicate your issues with her?
If yes, and she still decided to leave, then that's proof enough that it wasn't really meant to be.
If not, then either try to communicate with her now about it and see what happens, or move on and learn from your mistakes.
[deleted]
I have been through this, once in a way that almost cost me my life.
The way is to look at the cold and hard truth.
She has left, she is a free being, and she has chosen not to be with you. Her decision should be honored and respected, and if the love for her is unconditional it may be seen that whatever she does, you wish primarily for her happiness and joy.
Would you really prefer she stay but not want to? Would that result in a happy life? Would that be virtuous and authentic?
Additionally, despite the attachment and feelings for her and deep desire and longing, she must not have been the right one for you.
If she was, she would not have left.
You lost a relationship that was not going to work, and in this loss you are now open to receive a relationship that will work. Yes, grief and traversing the pain is difficult. I know, and I feel it with you. I am not minimizing, but you asked for guidance and I offer it humbly and with love.
It is these challenging truths to observe and accept which freed me from the deep suffering and putting my whole life on hold hoping she would return.
It is okay to still love her. In fact, the more pure you love her, the easier it is to know that all you truly wish is for her happiness - even if it is acquired through a means that feels painful to you.
It is a deep and loving act of service to allow another to be as they are, and to accept them as they are undconditionally.
In this orientation there is peace. I am sure she was amazing and I am sure you loved her, but our persistent longing and discomfort is due to our inability in those moments to recognize that we do not actually wish to control people into being with us, we do not own them, they are not ours. They are theirs, and only theirs, just as you are yours and only yours.
I hope this helps and was not too frustrating to read. My intention is only to deliver the truth as I see it which has helped me, but I recognize the challenge that this truth presents as I have traversed it and found peace.
We are the ones we need to love us and accept us. Relationships beyond this are better observed as new ways for us to express ourselves into the world and share experience with others, but only if both are in agreement.
Sending you blessings my friend, I am sympathetic and empathetic to the situation.
Omg this is great. Just what I needed to read!!! Thank you so much
My pleasure! 🙏❤️
[deleted]
It sounds like you are doing well and observing yourself honestly. Try to be gentle while continuing to see the truth.
It is not your fault. You are who you are. She chose to leave, and she chose not to work at it or have some patience. She did not see your value, but it does not mean your value is not there.
Continue to try to see your own value and accept yourself as you are while also seeing areas for improvement. Focus on this and also give yourself a pat on the back for traversing one of the harder things we traverse as humans.
Accepting anothers unacceptance of me was the most difficult lesson I've seen in my life, and I am still working at it.
Our value is seen when WE see it in ourselves, not when others see it in us. When we KNOW it, others will also know it.
Our lives and society tends to teach us the opposite, but it is confused and misguided.
Know yourself, accept yourself, and love yourself. This is the way. Others may think, feel and do as they wish and it will not affect you so deeply because when you accept yourself for who you are deeply, and another does not, you will recognize immediately (and not from an egoic place) that it is their loss. In my experience you will also find a compassion for them for having missed out on what goodness you would have brought them with your care and attention. It is not wrong to think highly of ourselves, as long as we can balance this with humility and equality. If we think we are better than others, we will end up seeing that we are not, and it will present challenge.
Good luck brother. This too shall pass.
Journal.