Nostalgia #327
I miss a lot of things from being a child. I miss how easy it was to exist. I miss how good everything tasted when I was tired after a day at the pool. I miss enjoying everything I tried my hand at, because everything was new and exciting. But most of all, I miss infatuation.
And I don’t mean your everyday, run-of-the-mill, common-or-garden infatuation. No. I mean a certain kind of infatuation. That special infatuation. The kind of infatuation which only springs into being in the mind of an unattractive 11 year old when seeing. Her. Everyone had a her. No matter who you were, you will have met that one person who became your world. I miss the kind of infatuation that came with her.
The mind of an 11 year old is an aberrant thing when it comes to matters of love. Not yet fully aware of all the shapes love could take, his only frame of reference being the movies he grew up with. And so, when seeing her, an incredible thing happens. That person becomes perfection itself. Now I know it will be said that infatuation is the same for everyone, no matter the age. But let me say this. Knowing you don’t have a chance with them doesn’t deter you. So what if you’ll never actually be with them? They exist, you get to experience that existence, and that will be enough. That certain longing. That implacable feeling. That emotion that comes with knowing it will be enough, while the smallest voice in you screams that it’s not. That’s not a feeling I think I’ll ever have again.
Because in the mind of this 11 year old, untainted by experience in matters of the heart, she is perfect. And all she has to do is exist. This formative feeling that came from the great divide of a schoolyard social hierarchy. Practically living in separate worlds. Meant that all she had to do was exist. And no other person would ever reach that height. Ever sit on that pedestal. Because after that, the illusion drops. The boy experiences real relationships. The boy learns to be happy. The boy knows what it is to be him. But the memory. The remnant. The shard. The fragment. That shadow. He will be searching for that feeling, knowingly or not, for the rest of his life. He will be searching for that person to devote those all consuming first sight emotions. He will be looking for that unattainable, unrealistic, unaware her.
I miss being an unattractive 11 year old infatuated with someone from another stratosphere. Not for some twisted sense of self-flagellation. Nothing like that.
I miss being a child. When all I had to do was love.
Posted Feb 26, 2022, 1:47 AM UTC
Damn. This is absolutely stunning. I don't even know what to say. I too often think about life at that age and my first unrequited love at 11 but you've placed it in such a beautiful expression of words that make me reflect on it differently. This is just beautiful in every way showing the innocence and appreciation of the past without having guilt or remorse for it. Thank you so much for sharing this.