The Ghost

I love this poem. I think the idea is great, I just have a few suggestions.

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1. The rhythm, at least to me, is not consistent. A lot of lines such as 'He only ever comes out when' could be changed to 'He only ever comes out' then new line 'when I feel the need to scream'. 'He's the rain in July' is quite abrupt- I think I would change it to 'He's the rain in my July' so that the rhythm continues.
2. This is small, but there are some words that don't make sense, at least to me. 'Serenity' and 'anemic' seem a little out of place in my opinion.

All in all, I very much love this idea. Good work!

Thank you for posting your work.

It's a cutesy poem for sure. Ghostly love is unrequited in its own paranormal way.

These are the main opportunities here:

1. Forced rhyme. The poem and its content are too tailored to meet the requirements of the rhyme scheme. Examples being me/serenity, try/July, and salt/fault.

Whenever I try to tell him

How much he means to me,

The only answer I’m met with

Is my own serenity.

"Serenity" doesn't make sense here. The speaker is longing for an answer yet feels at peace and untroubled. If you talked to someone and they weren't responsive to you nor gave any indication of such, would you feel at peace that? Or, would you feel annoyed or agitated?

And I know I shouldn’t bother.

I don’t know why I try.

But he’s a puzzle I can’t solve.

He’s the rain in July.

This is a long stretch. Rain isn't necessarily uncommon in the month of July. So, to call it puzzling is not the best metaphor. Again, the rhyme scheme requirement interferes with the content.

2. Lacks a focus on rhythm, meter, and poetic devices. Since this is set to rhyme, consider having it on a fixed meter. Right now, the rhythm is all over the place. When reading it aloud, it lacks natural flow from one line to the next.

There is an attempt at metaphor here, but it isn't nearly enough. Most of this is plain-speak, which is telling the situation. It lacks invocation. Consider revising and add more imagery. Really dig deep to create the picture of what is going on.

You may think that being as vague as possible helps with injecting the reader's own experience into the work. Really doesn't.

this is excellent! its hauntingly beautiful and, for some reason, reminds me a little of wuthering heights. one of the best poems i've read on this sub.

What a wonderful poem. you take us through the strongly felt emotions of an unrequited or partially requited love. I like the simple rhyme scheme and plain words. I have two recommendations. One, instead of 'serenity' that has a positive tone, I would use a word like 'complacency' that has a negative tone to match the theme. Second,I would love to know why you compare him to "rain in July" so maybe use an adjective for rain like "the temperamental rain in July". Overall I really liked this poem, the simple rhyming, using non-fancy language, the analogy of the ghost and how it's told from your perspective. Look forward to hearing more from you!

oh my gods i love this so much! it hits so hard, i'm saving this for later if that's okay!

This is so cool. Creepy and cute at the same time. It reminds me of a high schooler recounting her crush on the goth guy.

Very nice flow too. Good poem for halloween

Favorite line: Though he hates the taste of salt

Really liked the flow.... It's so simple but the words makes it unique.. I liked how it was metaphors at first then it was just literal

I am astounded. This is beautiful yet daunting. The only thing which I believe is a bit offtrack is that puzzle and july verse. Either it's too complex for me to comprehend or its just offtrack. Otherwise this poem is beautiful. Great work and Thank You!

This is really good. I do have a few comments, but take them with a grain of salt as I'm not very knowledgeable.
I agree with others that serenity doesn't work well. I feel being both calm and puzzled is a juxtaposition. Also, I can't understand “He's the rain in July” in context with the rest of the poem. Very good overall.

this is sad in very soulful and personal way

Love this! Someone who only shows up when it’s convenient. A literal non entity who shows no compassion or thoughtfulness. But who still hovers.

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Nice

Beautifully written! Very similar to my style of writing, I love it! Great job!

Guardian angels are a great and beautiful blessing not to be squandered or abused. People rarely have them and they long for them and their sweetness.Your poem is doing a fair honoring , although if we were to measure who is making the most effort,investing the most work,energy and caring and thoughtfulness, Guardian Angels are the hardest workers,highest caring loving buddys aren't they. May we all be safe,well and blessed by giving same.

“And the windowsill looks tempting

But I know it’s not his fault.”

This is so good that all I can do is quote it

Yo this is pretty dope my guy like for reals mad respect. Out of curiosity what made you want to get into writing and all ?

I like the poem you created. And by the use of ghost figuratively. I have no qualifications to critique but in my perspective, it’s a really nice poem.

I enjoyed this poem's melancholic tone while appreciating the flexibility within the text to interpret this ghost as a posthumous figure or the fragments of a recently terminated or soured relationship. I see some commenting on the rhythm. While there are a couple of words that might not fit, a poem does not have to follow any specific beats. In fact, some of my favorite poems are ones with that disheveled, inconsistent rhyme pattern, particularly when it contributes to the uneasiness of your voice as it does in this case.

This is really a beautiful poem. It definitely stuck with me and made me think. Although id have to agree that the usage of the word serenity doesnt make to much sense. Who is the ghost to you?