Frustrated and conflicted. **Trigger Warnings**

I don't know how to blackout triggers or properly add to my headline. I'm sorry!!!

So here I go. Today I am 9 days out of the hospital. I am in quasi recovery, I'm trying every day, sometimes I do great, sometimes not as much. But I'm trying to not let my failures get the best of me and just keep trying. I no longer have a scale at my house. But I felt like I had gained some weight since leaving the hospital. I wasn't happy about it, but I have been talking about it with my therapist and talking about how this is not only to be expected but also needed.

Yesterday I had a check in at my doctor. I had been avoiding weighing when I saw the doctor, and until yesterday the nurses had been okay with it because the scale and my weight are a big trigger. She told me that my chart said that I had to be weighed but I could stand backwards and not look. That was fine. While I was in the hospital they just took my weight from my bed. My doctor and I discussed my eating habits and if I had been restricting or purging, whether I was drinking my protein drink every day. Basically the normal things. Things were going fine until she checked my weight. Apparently I've lost weight sinceleavingthehospital. And enough that she's concerned.

I'm frustrated! How could I have lost weight even though I've greatly increased my eating? My successes have been so much more than my failures. I thought I was being honest with myself and the doctor. I really feel like I am? I have been wanting to add exercise because I feel so much better when I do. That's still temporarily out. I am required to go to her office biweekly, I have counseling weekly, with daily check ins through text, and calls if necessary.

I feel as if my entire life is resolving around my ED. I suppose it is. But to be completely honest, and this is the one place I feel that I can be totally honest, I feel like if I'm STILL failing, I just want to quit all of this. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of doctors and blood tests, talking about this all the time. I swear I felt better when I was going through life faking everything.

I'm Not going to quit. I'm just so frustrated right now. And that b*tch in my head (dang my ED can be loud) keeps being happy about losing so much weight in a week. I'm going to ignore her and eat a Girl Scout cookie 🍪