I read Come As You Are, and I need to make sense of past trauma.

TW: violence, assault

So I want to get some stuff off my chest. I really do not feel comfortable even writing about this stuff, and I don’t have anyone I could talk to about it, but I think I need to make myself discuss it in order to get more comfortable. I would appreciate it if people would read and respond, but warning, this is gonna be a long post.

I am 20 years old. I’ve had one boyfriend, who is now an ex. I did a lot with him but I never had intercourse. When I was a kid, I was basically raised in a cult. I was homeschooled until I was 13. It’s been rough getting adjusted to regular life. I have gone through a lot of shit with my family the past couple years, and now I am just starting to become free and enforce boundaries with my family, as well as explore my identity and become more confident.

I am starting to “get over” some of the traumas I experienced. I can cope better. My anxiety and depression are better. I’m even making some good friends. But one of my biggest fears is sex, and I think it’s holding me back from a normal relationship, which I desperately want.

When I was 11, my dad was holding a revolver and told me he would kill me with it if I ever had premarital sex. When I wanted to go to college and live in a dorm, he told me I needed to stay home because I would be raped. And stuff like that. Plus, all the ways that sex is treated as gross and sinful, especially if you’re a woman.

I think that the trauma surrounding sex has manifested itself in a crippling fear of STDs and pregnancy. I want to have sex. I kinda want to do it just to see what it’s like. I’ve been working on reframing my thoughts about sex to be more positive, partly by reading Come As Your Are. It’s a great book and it helped me understand myself and my own pleasure, so I’ve been experimenting by myself and I think that’s helping me a lot.

I understand how to protect myself with condoms. I also understand that I can prevent pregnancy really well by using condoms and another form of birth control. I’d really like to get the Annovera ring. It seems like the best option for me. But I’m still on my parent’s insurance. I’ve never been to the gynecologist, but I am making an appointment with my doctor and I’m going to ask him about it. I think if they say anything, I’ll tell them it’s for my severe PMS. Or maybe I can call the insurance and tell them to keep it private? I don’t have the login for the account and I don’t know how this stuff works. I want birth control so that I can feel comfortable exploring this, but I also need health insurance. My summer job carries physical risks so I might get injured.

Then there’s the fact that I’m terrified of sex. I’ve had a hard-ish time getting over my ex boyfriend. I don’t want to have sex and then be abandoned. At the same time I don’t think intercourse is going to be any more “bonding” than the sex I’ve already essentially had. So I’m confused, and I want to just try it and get it over with.

So back to Come As You Are. She talks about getting rid of the stuff that puts your brakes on. My brakes are shame and fear of pregnancy and STDs. I am working on the shame by learning how to enjoy it by myself and by making this post so I can talk about it. I will help my fear of STDs by using a condom. And I want to help my fear of pregnancy by getting Annovera or the NuvaRing, but I don’t want my parents to know. I can easily say it’s for my periods, and I doubt my dad would actually kill me. But I don’t want to lose health insurance or be cut off from my family. Does anyone know if they’ll be able to see that I get the ring?

And does anyone have any thoughts on overcoming sexual trauma? Most of the discussion on this is centered on assault, and I definitely get why. But I think I have a form of sexual trauma due to my upbringing. My cousin was also molested by my other cousin when we were growing up, and that has affected me really profoundly because I have some sort of survivor’s guilt and a lost of trust issues. He got away with it and she did not. There’s been a lot of negative (to say the least) messaging, observations, and experiences with sex in my life. I am really trying to become a sex positive and empowered person. I want to date again, and I want to not have sex be a huge issue.