I can't find anything bad about it. It's well executed, but if I had to nitpick, you compare the new lover to a pond, which is supposed to mean he's lame, I guess. But I don't think ponds are really that lame. Some people like ponds. Choose something even lamer than a pond.

I'm assuming this is an exact 500 words, so that any words removed or changed around can be replaced to strengthen things. I found a few possibles and marked them up on the document. I'm also working from the position that this is really good to start with, because it is!

>That time we were sipping tea at the sloping plantation, on a veranda. Him holding the cup light, then holding the horses reins firm.

This first sentence can be tightened and strengthened - 'That time we sipped tea at the plantation, the soft breath and neighs of horses nearby. Hands that held the cup so light, the reins so firm.' I mean, that's me rewriting and I'm assuming the horses are at the plantation because they're in the same sentence as the teacup. I also wondered if you could make more of his hands here - the ones that turn into fists later. Use a little bit of stolen wordcount to focus on them, give them an arc.

>around his scarred throat

Could this be 'a throat scarred from...' and the blank filled i

Hey, I thought you'd welcome some criticism from someone that's definitely not in the target audience for this.

For starters it definitely sounds like a story that's for sure. If you know what I mean by that. Sounds like something that a teacher would ask you to analyze in an English class of some sort. It reads really poetically , every sentence has a reason to be there and none of it really seems like filler of any kind. Everything leads to some sort of characterization for the main 3 characters , whether it be physical descriptions, insights into how they think or acted. You have good use of metaphors and double meaning, like Bruce being calm as a pond also meaning that life with him was uneventful and just kind of bland and boring because of it. I also really liked how the ending connected with the opening , with it revealing that she was sat still in the same place reminiscing on her time with Marso the entire day as the sun was now setting. It was really well done.

However for 

I recall him a thousand times at once.

\- this at once is setting up the next sentences in a way that subtly is broken.Atop a gliding yacht, his lithe body glistening, and his long, black hair slick to his back.

\- This is a sentence frag that feels just on the wrong side of unintentinoal. "atop- yacht" I think (think not know) is a dangling modifer. I get it, but structurally I don't think its as perfect as some of the others. 

That said, I love the imagery here.

Then, his hooded figure approaching in snowfall, in his gloved hands a velvet box.

\- At once vs Then. This is part of the break for me. Also for as much metaphor as there is here, I wish on second read through that velvet box/hands was expanded a bit more becuase this could easily circle back to the idea of marso in a coffin (velvet linings being so common).

&#x200B;

His feet in sheepskin slippers on the cold herringbone floor, moving the heavy curtains aside at dawn.

\- herringbone tripped me, but I think thats a me

In response, I think my writing improved when I started thinking things about the audience. 500 words always slaps me right in the face as written to specifically that number, and I'm unabashedly throwing myself against the gates of publishing. So thats part of where those questions came from. 

The other part is while I get not spoiling it for your audience with genre tags and synopsis, it makes it harder to guess if the story is in the shape that is the goal.

IDK im a big chungus, so like no judgement.

If any of this seems harsh its only because I have high expectations and I think you can rise to the meet them. I have faith in you and your writing.

overall then Pro/con/con/pro then line edits.

Preface: I think I've read other things of yours and I came in thinking you are a good writer. Rose colored glasses on.

Overall: your prose here is careful and measured, and reads smoothly. I think I got a bit tired of the weight of metaphor, and hoped you might extend one of the metaphor

Hmm I don't have any ideas on those items, maybe I really should?

Let me know if you are still looking for crits, what the target audience and market for this are, if you have ideas on those items


Hello!


STORY


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C0mVchSazuid_TyyE6LKOO3oyVmSJVLVt9Y-Kz7JCL4/edit


TW: &gt;!deadly domestic violence!&lt;


CRITIQUE


https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tj0v3z/2439_the_broken_and_the_blessed/i1jcgkb/



Thanks in advance!

[500] Marso in a Wooden Box