Our love is set
in the crystal moon
Our diamond's sun
will be shining soon
Our love is a diamond
so it cannot break
My soul is a crystal
I want you to take
I wished for love
from your starry eyes
Now our life together
is a glittering sky
Posted Mar 23, 2022, 12:06 AM UTC · edited
I enjoyed reading this poem, the way it rhymes and the theme is nice. For me using diamond to both describe the sun and your love takes away from it. Maybe replace the first diamond with opal? keeps in theme with the gems/crystals.
Our love is set
in the crystal moon
Our opal sun
will be shining soon
Thanks for drawing my attention to that!
"diamond sun" is supposed to mean wedding. So I'm basically saying our love (the diamond's) major event will be happening soon. I reworded it a little so that it might be more clear.
I'm glad you enjoyed my poem :)
Thanks for the clarification, i look forward to reading your future poems
Another fine job Ms Need! (or can I call you A? ) ;) I like how you used diamond and crystal in each of the first 2 stanzas yet they had different meanings. And I also enjoy how you came back and closed with the space references in the 3rd that you began with in the first. Something about this one has an appealing symmetry to it. Perhaps using love in the first line of each stanza also contributed to that aspect. And the "Our, Our, Our, My" leading words in lines 2, 4, 6, and 8 seemed to emphasize the 'My' to me, which I liked.
Let's go with "A." Ms just makes me sound old (no offense haha). .
Thank you!
Haha alrighty then (I was gonna go with "Girl" but I didn't want to come off misogynistic) :D
Cheers!
You can smash a diamond with a household hammer. Really easily.
Shhhh nobody needs to know that haha
Hey Girl, the stars and love and the moon and the sun are such common tropes. Still I feel such phrases elicit the desired effect of this piece. The rhyme scheme is jus tight enough that the reader can easily bounce along, as if in love. Not sure about the double usages of “diamond” and “crystal” but perhaps this was intentional. All in all a nice piece. Good work. Keep writing.
-capt.
Hey Captain, I've been trying to include nature in my poetry lately so I thought the sun/moon/Stars would be a good choice. Yes it was intentional as the diamond represents love (I explain this in a different comment).
Glad you liked it!
i adore this poem. i’ve never been one to rhyme in my poems, but i admire those who do. i apologize for the cliche, but you truly do have a way with words. this was a beautiful love poem, it put a smile on my face.
Thanks so much!
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i love this so much! the way you rhyme words is one of my favorite patterns in poems, skipping some lines over to others separates them enough while still holding the lines of the poem together. incredible!
She has certainly mastered the art of the ABCB rhyme scheme. That coupled with brilliant metaphors, deep emotional undertones, and diverse articulation gives her work a rather addictive quality!
Thank you!