Point of view/narrator.

This problem is going to bleed out and touch on a lot of other problems, and I think it’s one that’s important to spend a little bit more time on.

The most interesting books provide us with a new or unthought of point of view. Fantasy let us see and experience New Orleans through the eyes of someone living there. Science fiction lets us experience the future. Literary fiction lets us experience the richness of everyday life.

Here I had trouble identifying exactly what the point of view was. If I had to say I would guess a third person omniscient point of view. We don’t seem very close to any character, and it really struggled to get me close enough to one of the characters to identify with them. This sort of distant narrative is possible, and I’m not saying that a third person omniscient story can never work, however it’s very much out of fashion, and I think most of the advice around right now centers on first person and third limited points of view. Most an

Well, I understand that.

I think I will practice my writing with a normal world first, then I will decide to do a fantasy world later. I've downloaded a basic guide to write a story there. Will coming back fresh.

The two siblings, of Nilrol Lamelian tribe, were rarely seen separating from each other. 

- this line doesn’t work. As an intro it fails to actually introduce the characters, and grammatically seen separate vs seen apart is what you mean.

Tulitho was the older brother and Rasil was his sister. 

- these are fairly meh/boring facts to give as the second line, so it’s doesn’t help establish the story.

They both were wekha, a person with strong Kha or psychic power.

- here we get the conlang stuff, but is it clear what I meant from earlier? Here you describe a word, then define it based on another word, then define that word  based on a concept that probably doesn’t fit in the story (psychic is loaded with meaning and connotation)

Tulitho was a dark skin athletic man who was wearing a yellow headband decorated with strings of colorful stones. He wore a grayish blue tunic with a yellow sash around his waist. 

- This all lifeless description. There’s nothing relational and so none of 


OK so I think that English is not your first language. To accommodate that I’m going to do this critique in a slightly different way than I normally do. I will try to write very directly and very straightforward. Normally I play around and write these critiques with a sort of stylized voice, but this time I’m going to not do that.

I’ll definitely talk about some of the specifics and do a traditional critique pointing out individual sections, but first I wanted to do a couple larger line items that I view as the most serious problems.

English mastery:

I know this is not a fun thing to hear. I think your relative mastery of the English language is a limiting factor for the story. I know that learning a second language is incredibly hard, and I’m very impressed with how good your English is, but there were numerous times throughout the chapter that I was running into problems trying to parse sentences or having to reread to get the meaning from incorrect word usage or incorrect word s

I don't see how its based off of Harry Potter. The original HP starts off with Rowling talking about the Dursley's relationship with the Potters, and it isn't as exposition heavy as yours.

I looked closely on how Harry Potter was written and tried to write it from what I've learnt there. i don't expect much in my writting, but I hope I do have some progress here.

The setting : a different universe with a fictional planet of Thrice. The story was set an ancient era around the mythtical Gekhi desert.

The plot : the protagonists (Tulitho and Rasil) are Lamelian psychics from Nilrol tribe. They both will play a big part in one of the legend of their era, the collapsing of Tha'ngatu.

The story is [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vGurXxy14QqC_4qnA_eSjaBEIkvm55LrBY3NCaJnvG4/edit?usp=sharing).

My critiques : [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tj0v3z/comment/i1x3sff/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3), and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tk8yw6/comment/i1rok1u/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3).

[2241] Tha'ngatu : the sand legend (1/2 of Chapter 1)