Next to Godliness

i love it when poems are simple but so symbolic and i believe you kept that up very well here. I would say though the line “should be swept” seems a little awkward and sort of throws off the flow. lastly, i’d like it if you expanded upon the other people in the laundromat, just a thought. great work!

These types of poems are hard to pull off. I’ve seen a lot try to have a complex meaning and communicate it in this ethereal sort of way and completely miss the mark. This however has a sort of mature meter that is very interesting to follow and symbols that are simple yet refined.

Thinking about meter, the casual connect of “tile floor” and “quarters” is incredible and really utilized the unique ability of free form poetry to command inter aided rhyming schemes.

Also, lines like “Cleanliness is/ Next to/ God: I’m next to God” provides such vivid depth into the narrator’s worldview as the mundane element (clean clothes) are seen as holy, but the literal presence of God is shown to be mundane. It really speaks to the absence of God in the narrators life in a subtle way and connects well to the final lines.

Overall, I think this is a really well organized poem that is, at times, incredibly evocative.

The imagery is clear, I love the Old Testament god. Yeah, you are alone. Very nice. Great job!!

This is really beautiful and honestly gave me chills. I appreciate the juxtaposition of God and the laundromat, even though as you wrote "cleanliness is next to God." I couldn't tell if you meant the laundromat was unclean or clean in the lines, but you move so quickly onto not having quarters that as a reader, it didn't even matter because the pain of not having spare change to do laundry is so painful.

I personally don't always like poems with such short line, but i sincerely felt this one, and probably don't like that style so much because i can't write that way. I can't capture the simple beauty as you did, so i have a lot of appreciation for writers who can tell a tight, powerful story with so few words. The most person who influenced my writing the most, my high school AP English professor, would say "brevity is close to Godliness." It always gets me because I'm verbose (often) to a fault.

I liked this a lot and look forward to reading more of your works. Keep posting. Maybe one day I'll be able to write in this kind of style because it's very powerful.

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Solid poem! What’s the intended effect of the enjambment of “Tile floor. Should be swept”? I see how you’re fragmenting the lines and combing the previous statement with the next— and while I think it perhaps helps hint at some sort of internal state I wonder if that effect is hampered by the fragmented language. Particularly I wonder if the over all effect is diminished by making the lines a proper statement doing something like
Tile floor that should be
Swept. Cleanliness is

Does that sacrifice too much of what you’re going for, can you preserve the effect some other way by fiddling with the form?
My only other comment is about your ands that come up after. It seems to me you’re going for an effect that speeds up the pace by using the “and I don’t have” “and I fall to my knees” “and he holds my head”. This works on rereads, but on a first impression I stumble at the fragmented line I mentioned earlier and that kills my momentum going into that part, diminishing the effect. Further (and I think these next two points are personal taste) I wonder what you think of exacerbating the and focus and altering the line “in his hands and says” to “in his hands and he says”. For me giving that little extra word gives a more frenetic or fractured feeling to the internal of the narrator. Hammering in the repetition of your words there. (Next point which might also be personal taste)
Punctuation! Punctuation is a great tool to help with pacing, and I think this poem would benefit from it. Particularly, I want a period after “Next to
God*.”
And then also “I’m next to God.*”
Really here I think you could play around and experiment with just periods and commas to see what you like and how it alters how the poem is read. Well done!

This is beautifully devastating. It's abrupt, but you get your point across in very few words, which is impressive. I like the term "simple anguish," which I'm assuming you were using to describe the feeling of defeat that comes after a series trivial failures -- and I totally get that. To me, the poem plays on the idea of God existing in our collective imagination, and as an atheist, I sometimes feel like it's a punishment that God doesn't exist in my mind like he does in other people's. I never felt like it was a choice to believe/not believe in God, but on days where it gets really rough, and you feel like praying as a last resort, God isn't there for you. Neither is anyone else who believes in him. It feels like shit, I know. Anyways, good job! And btw if you need some quarters I have some.

...Ouch. Just...ouch.

This is powerful! I'm partial to the imagery of gods in unholy places and this really hit the spot. I think replacing "should" with "must" is something to consider as it would suggest it needs to be done due to God's presence. Loved the sharp transition from being next to God to having no quarters, gave me goosebumps!!