Trying to not let such a small moment dictate the feelings I have toward myself
I have tried writing this down a few times now. Not sure how to find the words and struggling to type from the anxiety that I feel from recalling what I experienced. I guess I’m just looking for support from other women, hoping to just feel a little bit heard.
Around a couple months ago I was with a few close friends. I thought I knew them all well enough, they have all always been caring and kind towards me. We stayed in one weekend and I got really drunk. They were all still pretty coherent, I don’t drink frequently so alcohol tends to hit me pretty hard. I left them to go lie down on the couch and passed out. I woke up to one of the guys helping me to a bed so I could sleep and I passed out again. After that I don’t remember much. They all knew how drunk I was.
So why did I wake up naked next to one of them then? I don’t understand how a close friend could do that to me. I don’t even remember it happening. I asked him what happened, and he looked shocked and asked if I didn’t remember. No. I was completely wasted and he knew; I couldn’t even get to a bedroom by myself. He was the one who helped me.
After it happened, I didn’t feel any particular way about it. It didn’t matter, it shouldn’t, who cares really? I knew it was a shitty thing to do but whatever, I could move on. It’s not like I even remembered the majority of it. So why does it hurt more now? I feel betrayed, sad, angry. I was already running low on trust, but he was one of my closest friends. I feel dirty and used. I am disgusted with myself for letting it happen. But he’s still part of the friend group, acting like nothing happened. Saying jokes to me and laughing, it’s all fine and dandy for him. I’m trying to stay fine too.
I know I should be less hard on myself, but it’s hard to control the way that you feel. I wish I could go back to feeling like it was just a blip in life but for whatever reason it just currently has a little hold on me. Thank you for taking the time to read and letting me vent.
Posted Mar 31, 2022, 4:06 AM UTC
You have EVERY right to feel betrayed, sad, angry AND you have every right to act on them. This asshole took your rights away and when you made that clear he didn’t care.
If there’s anyone in that group that you should consider telling them that you don’t want to be around that guy for whatever reason you feel comfortable telling them.
Or you should really consider disconnecting with that group and putting your safety and happiness first.
Friends should always make you feel safe and supported.
Thank you. Honestly it means a lot to me that you took the time to read what I had to say. I really don’t think he even realized what he did. I’ve been trying to just act totally normal but yes, I think I’ll just take a step back to limit my interactions with him. I do have one friend who I know I can talk to about it, but the last thing I want is for it to come out in the friend group and cause a huge mess. I’d rather just try to move on and do my best to let it go. Thank you again.