[370] Pizza Night

Hmm... I don't know much about making pizza, so I can't exactly confirm any of this for viability if that's what you're seeking here. I do enjoy that this has just "pizza" as a flair, and the almost...teasing/playful nature of the story itself.

That said, it could be better in places. Polish would help immensely. I guess I'll just go over general aspects of this story. Also, just going to leave a little reminder here that this could be improved in terms of grammar—just give it a look over or two and use the Docs suggestions.

But anyway: certain sections could use some explanation (though perhaps this is, again, my inexperience with this stuff), like the whole "window pane test" thing. While I think brushing off the reader's potential confusion gives this a bit of charm, I'd also admit I have no clue what you're even talking about there.

You mention two "proofs" that mean, well, something. What, I don't know. Explain this a bit. Same with the "WOP" thing.

I feel like, if I'm going to follow a recipe, I should be able to do it effortlessly—and perhaps blindfolded too—based on the information you've provided and nothing else. But, based on how this is, I doubt I'd be able to make much of anything, let alone a decent pizza...

Thanks for the post. 'Twas an interesting read, but I don't know why I critiqued this at 6 AM lol

But I want to know so badly about your grandmother's memories of making this with her children, and how the wheat fields fluttered, interspersed with sponsor messages and admonitions to donate to your patreon. Or maybe OnlyFans. I want to have to scroll down for at least thirty seconds and then miss the recipe entirely. And have to use all branded ingredients^(TM) and sticks of butter (what the hell is a stick of butter).

11.5 oz of water at 110 F with dissolved 1 tablespoon of sugar

• this one I think is missing an active verb, ie vs dissolve sugar into water, not a huge deal, but might help readability.

Add yeast like 2 teaspoons

• did I remove punctuation on accident? I felt like for all the character of the other lines this one is plainer?

Stir with love. Remember yeast is alive and need TLC. Don’t be a brute.

-I’m torn here. I’d add in more characterization, but maybe you are sticking recipe. Don’t be a brute like your sister? Stir with love, problematic erotic love. Stir with unrequited love.

But I also think the slow ramp up of weird is a valid choice.

Let them foam up a little. Bubble bubble bubble

• this felt a little dry?

Combine 1lbs 2 oz of bread flour (none of that general all purpose stuff–we want gluten) with 2 tablespoons of salt and one third a cup of good extra virgin olive oil.

• I feel like not specifically talking about the olive oil reads weird, like there are so many words about bread flour.

Lovingly knead the dough or beat it like some alpine masseuse trying to deep muscle technique a pelvic floor injury from birth three children or if you prefer like an angry physio armed with some Graston tools.

• this sentence is such a hard angle to the priors. There’s a deal of medicine here( “pelvic floor injury vs broth trauma) that felt out of place, and then the double simile that didn’t sit right. I think for me it’s the lack of transition? Birth three children also read off.

Window pane test it. If you don’t know what that means than don’t worry. It’s just a thing to tell if it’s done.

• than vs then. “If you….” Feels like a sentence half made of words that don’t convey much meaning. The last of this trio felt too long by half (ish)

Then two proofs because like a writer you gotta proof shit.

• I will not say this would make typos crazy ironic. Yet… anyway: I don’t think this simile adds much for me.

Sorry that’s all I’ve got time for atm! Not a real crit

General Remarks

If all cooking instructions were formatted like this, I would love to cook. The dishes would be horrible, but I’d have a blast. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but I found it hilarious that the instructions at the beginning, which are arguably the most difficult part, are written with such confidence. Then, as the story progresses and it gets into simple steps like adding toppings, the confidence dwindles away and the person writing it becomes visibly confused. Amazing. Side note, but I don’t know why you mentioned the Wizard of Oz movie in the beginning with only Oz. I found that a bit jarring. Also, who is Fahrenheit?

Character

I thought the characterization of the troubled pizza maker was great. Their voice shown through in every sentence. I could feel their confidence and care slipping away as the story progressed. I wished to have a bit more backstory on them: Were they a victim of that alpine masseuse? What was their pasta sauce preference? Why are ingredient decisions such a difficult topic for them?

At times, there was an inconsistency with your character. They freely discussed birth and wet ass pizza sauce, they say fuck, but at the end they were only comfortable with calling the reader a, ‘friggin,’ heathen? Stay true to your character. Let them call us how they really feel.

I also think this character writing this story could have benefitted from a clearer motivation. Most people write cooking instructions like this after some sort of event set them off.

Setting

I was really confused. Initially, I imagined this taking place in my kitchen. However, the mention of minions, kiddos, and randos made me think I was in someone else’s kitchen in Despicable Me.

Pacing

On a more serious note, this story could have benefitted with a bit of build-up. There was a shift from competent to insecure/uncaring, which was well done. But that angsty tone carried through from the beginning to end. It could have been funny to start off like a seemingly normal instruction manual and turn into an absolute disaster.

Description

I thought the description was great. The specificity was impressive. Some notable examples include: good extra virgin olive oil, add yeast like 2 tablespoon, stir with love.

The sentence with the masseuse was really confusing. It was a run on sentence without any commas to make it easier to understand. I understand we’re heathens, but have a little respect. The WAP section was also confusing and gave me the, ‘I’m uncomfortable with the energy we’ve created in this studio today.’

You use good verbs to paint clear images of the angry pizza making process. Brush the crust, foam up a little. Calling the toppings a charcuterie was really a unique and interesting piece of imagery.

Heart

Eating the food is the only fun part of cooking.

Closing Comments

10/10

Finally someone posts something with actual value on here. I have a few complaints though, as I tend to do.

11.5 oz of water at 110 F

So I know you added a trigger warning for this and all, but come on. If I decide to just abandon common sense entirely and start replacing every comma with an exclamation mark, would a trigger warning justify it?

Stir with love.

What the fuck does this mean? Stirring is a physical action, love is an emotion. If it means nothing to anyone but yourself, remove it.

Remember yeast is alive and need TLC.

Despite being alive, I sincerely doubt that yeast needs "TLC".

Let them foam up a little.

Them? The yeast? Come on. Also cut "Bubble bubble bubble"

Combine 1lbs 2 oz

For the love of God...

Window pane test it. If you don’t know what that means than don’t worry.

??? Don't worry? Then why bring it up in the first place? You're risking the reader missing an important step here and their pizza will be shit. You can't just tell people to ignore stuff like this when it is absolutely vital to the end result.

Overnight it in a fridge or same day let it double in size (maybe an hour, hour and a half?).

Make the directions consistent. An hour and a half is FIFTY PERCENT longer than an hour. Would you accept this kind of vagueness anywhere else in society? What if the bus arrives in one or one and a half hour? What if your plane trip to India takes eight to twelve hours? What if your house costs one, "maybe one and a half million"? This is fucking insane.

You got stuff to do.

No I don't, stop assuming things.

Divide dough into four or whatever number of people.

Why not just make one huge pizza and hand out slices instead? This is dumb.

Maybe let them form the pie and then let the dough rest for 10 minutes. Maybe par bake. Whatever.

"Whatever?" These things matter! Bad shit happens when people let go of the wheel. You can't just let people come up with what to do on their own, it's going to turn into a fucking bloodbath. But whatever, it's your recipe and I've pretty much given up all hope at this point.

Fuck it try the puttanesca—that salty fishy smell brings all the boys to the yard unlike some WAP weak ass pizza-sauce.

Finally a relatable and fun instruction! This is good. Good job!

NEVER say WOP when dealing with pizza as it is an offensive term for Without Papers and Italians.

I can't stand it when chefs do this moral posturing. If I want to be racist when I make pizza I will.

Supply them with a charcuterie of stuff from mushrooms to pancetta to olives to whatever. Maybe fancy cheeses.

So I understand that a lot of the time what you put on a pizza will vary according to taste, but this is your recipe. If I wanted to come up with a pizza of my own, toppings and all, I would not be reading your recipe. In fact, I'm a bit offended at the implicit mockery of the reader's intelligence that goes into this whole section. We're reading your recipe, give us the fucking ingredients.

Bake in an oven. This is really going to be dependent on your oven and type of pizza you like. I don’t know. Try 430 F for 13 minutes.

I hate this. I expect you to instruct me on which oven to use and then give me exact numbers, in CELSIUS, please. Obviously I will already know the quirks of my oven, so why bother being this vague? I feel like you're giving me the quirks of your oven and then letting me know that my oven also has quirks. Your recipe should be calibrated on a new and tighly measured oven known for its accuracy. Otherwise why bother even making the recipe?

Melt some butter with salt and garlic…

Who the fuck puts BUTTER on their pizza??

Eat.

I will now stop eating for a week in spite of your attempts to control me. Look at what you and your sloppy recipe did!

I liked and didn't like it. Sometimes it flowed and sometimes it didn't and sometimes I was confused. The one suggestion I have is to replace every instance of "pizza" with "'za" to give it an authentic Italian feel. (I have a story with a similar feel I will post soon that's about 6000 words after I do a few more of these critiques)

At first Read..

I was was pretty lost at first opening the page. The read starts off as a recipe, which i was exited for. I think putting your voice and thought in this format is clever. Because working at a pizza shop myself, THIS I HOW I BE THINKING! Especially when washing dishes. But it needs some time to get the reader into it. Get them into that pattern. And it kinda read like a constant flow of thought. I quickly became confused when you started talking about alpine masseuse and the window test thing. I just had to ask myself "are we still kneading this friggin dough?" This confusion came up a lot. Because I couldn't differentiate what our person was thinking and what he was doing.

As far as our character goes.

love it like I said, working in a kitchen there is a point in your work, where this is how it feels. I remember watching eggs boil, thinking about silver helium balloons. Just spacing out, I completely relate to.

And the way our narrator says shit like "stir with love" and "charcuterie of stuff" its such a camp and i kinda love it.

I was really disappointed when you started talking about getting a bunch of kids over to make your pizzas with no directions. (this completely pulled me back to a memory of my friend giving a group of kids a shit ton of rubber bands just to see what they would do with them.) I feel it would have contrast perfectly, being written AS A RECIPE. It just felt like a natural thing that would happen in this piece. But then you started talking about WAP and completely dropped it.

I cant say much at all about grammer becuase im shit at that.

love your vision

Eat.

This is honestly hilarious...chuckled to myself when I read the "we want gluten comment". Here is a detailed breakdown of the reactions and thoughts of yours truly.

Maybe have a line break after "110 F" and say "dissolve" 1 tbsp of sugar instead of tacking it onto the end. It is a bit unclear currently.

"yeast is alive and NEEDS TLC" (says "need" currently).

punctuation is inconsistent--period at end of third line only in first section and does not appear at end of other lines.

Once again, I would decide if you want to write out "two" or use the numerical "2" and keep it consistent throughout. It is otherwise sort of confusing. Caveat to above statement: if this lack of consistency is part of your goal, then ignore this suggestion.

maybe change the tenses so the first sentence in the third paragraph reads as follows: "Lovingly knead the dough or beat it like some alpine masseuse trying to deep muscle a pelvic floor injury caused from birthing three children". Also have to admit that I have no idea what a window pane test is, but that could be a personal problem.

The "minions, children, or randos" clause really does it for me--love it.

Also, once again, do not know what WAP or WOP is, but that could be a limitation of my own.

Tone really comes out in the end with comments like "dependent on your oven...I don't know" and "you friggin heathen".

Comical, enjoyable to read.