Oh, yes, sorry! They did. I think the protagonist would be flatter without them and they worked into that whole cynical vibe I talked about. "Fuckable cat" blindsided me in a good way, and the only reason I didn't actually laugh was because I was so on edge for the child death moment.

Thanks so much man. It’s really gratifying to hear someone engaged with the character so much. The protagonist was really fun to write, despite the subject matter.

I agree regarding the disparity between her actions prior and the sudden decision to live. I think I’ll go through and find a way to make it more clear that, until the very end, she doesn’t really have much will to live.

Did the moments of humour work for you, tonally?

Overall, I found this to be a quality, worthwhile read. I thought the voice was strong. I imagined the narrator telling me all of this, dead-eyed with a kind of grim half-smile. The first paragraph I was worried would end up feeling melodramatic, so it was okay on first read. On re-read it was really good. I even liked the ending, but I feel like there's something missing between her flashback to that day and her resolution to live. 

What's interesting is that I recently wrote a super short story about a guy who holds his breath at work until he passes out as a way to atone for the accidental death of his son, so as soon as I read the third paragraph I was primed to learn that she'd lost a child. This was the point at which I fell into her mental state and I wasn't taken out until she steps outside at the end. 

Everything from holding her breath to her arriving home from work read comfortable and true to me. I would say it's impossible to resist pressing on that type of bruise, or ev

Actually, in the first read it didn't particularly jump out at me because it was subtle in comparison to the rest of the tone. But on the second read, I think it fits. The subtlety works well.

Thanks, you’ve definitively pointed out some stuff I missed.

Did the humor bother you, tonally?

First Impression:  
About halfway through the third page, I was totally sucked in, at that point, the pacing is really good. I had a strong emotional reaction to the description of the incident. I agree with comments already posted in the document- the descriptions in the middle pages (especially about the MC texting her mom, as well as the cereal) are particularly well-written and compelling. It was unpredictable and kept me hooked to the end. The voice was engaging and believable. Overall, I enjoyed the piece, and it read much more quickly than I expected. You packed a lot of meaningful and vivid information into a short number of pages. You didn’t introduce a concrete setting until midway through the story- which totally worked because the story is about the MC being absorbed in her own head, same goes for the lack of dialogue. The obsession with the incident totally came through- an incident as traumatic as you described would naturally affect nearly every minute of a person’s exi

Here's my overview. It was an enjoyable read. The voice was strong from the very first paragraph, by that last sentence I had a pretty good idea of the character I was dealing with which is an excellent achievement. The narrative really gripped me from the third page I'd say, after that, I flew through it.

The description of environments, etc, was sparse but to good effect imo, since the focus should be on the MC (and she doesn't seem like the kind of person that would take in her environment anyhow, in the beginning, anyway, which is why I appreciate that at the end, she describes the sky as though, for the first time in a while, she's looking at the world around her.)

The imagery evoked was used too well to show the MC's headspace.

For the characters. I appreciate the MC isn't the stereotypical bright-eyed, optimistic woman made cynical by abuse, rather, she always had a degree of it. She wasn't perfect, and she recognizes that which endeared me to her. As for Alan, this is my per

Hi guys,

This is a newer short story I've written that's a little longer than I'm used to (used to writing less than 1K words). I also challenged myself not to use directly quote dialogue or speech, but I'm not sure how it turned out.

A general plot summary would be: a woman looks back on a failed relationship that ended with a traumatic experience, trying to decide whether to keep going.

I tried to take a very dark plot and include moments of lightness/humor - did these work tonally? I don't have any other specific requests with feedback because this is an earlier draft - just tell me how it hits you, if at all. What you liked or didn't like, etc

[Link to story - you can comment](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tkR8CS5ChMyCiodz3s-In-2Sjcrk3Gviiic5gjwiJrE/edit?usp=sharing)

Thanks!

[CRIT 1 - 3132](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tu3ejj/3132_black_lungs_broken_mind/i33jkju/?context=3)

[CRIT 2 - 917](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tu3p74/917_under_the_surface/i33wqya/?context=3)

[2850] "The Moment You Step Outside" - short story