She Said
She said we’re great
I left the other babe
She said let’s go to Spain
I booked the first plane
She said buy me a ring
I sold everything
She said we’re done
I self-inflicted with a gun
Posted Apr 6, 2022, 11:01 AM UTC
620
You said it all, while barely saying anything. The brevity makes that last line cut insanely deep. Really enjoyed that.
3
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I really appreciate it!
2
Bittersweet and sharp, well done!
2
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it 😄
1
Very deep. And yet short. This is the kind of style I like. Usually when I write my poetry, is when I’m at my worst. And you can feel the pain. Love it. Keep them coming!
2
Thank you! I’m really glad you like the style and theme of the poem. I appreciate your kind words!
1
What a great, painful but beautiful poem, man!
Love how you spoke about something so harsh in a rather light manner. I find that hard to do.
2
Thank you so much! Yes the intention was for it to seem simplistic and easy to read.
2
I quiet like it. I especially enjoyed the usage of self-inflicted. It nicely breaks with the short verbs in first three responses and is the only more elaborate word. The rest is written in plain English.
2
Thank you so much! I believe the last stanza needed to be more impactful thus I used self-inflicted
1
It is hard to speak much in less. I like it. You spoke about a journey in a few lines, starting from the best to worst. The ending was surprising. Well done. Keep writing!
2
Thank you so much! I’m glad you liked the poem 😃
1
Good work, suicide is never the answer bitches are bitches for a reason man. Also my only issue here is that great and babe aren’t the best possible match.
2
Thank you for your appreciation!
I’ll keep the rhyme scheme in mind when I try to improve the poem.
2
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1
Short, sweet, and to the point. I enjoy the simplicity of this piece. Maybe could use some more powerful vocabulary because it is so short and direct.
1
Thank you for your kind words and feedback! I really appreciate it and I’ll work on improving the poem 😄
1
People are saying it’s deep but it’s really not? I’m not trying to hate on it but the message is so surface level- the brevity builds upon it sure (like almost mirroring the romance) but honesty what separates this heartbreak from the others? It reads so detached that I can’t even care enough to give empathic response. I think you need more colorful language- more emotion- real life shit that happened that you can draw from and describe in excruciating detail. The simplistic rhymes feel corny and only add to the cliche. It’s so melodrama, idk. If you want to write about heartbreak but aren’t ready to bleed onto the page then why do it?
Good luck dude.
I’m in agreement with this feedback. I don’t really know anything after reading this (that I don’t already know), because I don’t feel anything. It reads like a laundry list. There’s nothing for me to grab into- no imagery, no emotion- just action.
Thank you for your detailed feedback. I really appreciate it.
But I think you may have missed the point of the poem - the entire point was to be relatable and simple. And not make it deeply specific.
I also chose simplistic rhymes to portray how easy is to fall in love and get swayed, and I ended it like that to make an impact not be melodramatic.
I completely understand that this was not your cup of tea and we’re all entitled to our own opinions.
But we all have different reasons to write, I’ve written about heartbreak in different ways and for this poem I chose a specific style. I don’t think it’s mandatory for me to “bleed on the page” to write about love.
Thank you for your constructive criticism though.