I am not sure I love my boyfriend anymore.

We [22F / 26M] had a really rocky relationship.

It started when I was 18, long distance, and we hid our relationship for quite some time (1 year) even though I didnt want to. We then became "official", and I became a friend in his family. I consider his brother as one of my best friends, his mom is a sweet and kind person that helped me a lot, and his father too helped me in general, but also in my field of study.

He cheated on me, once after that year of "secret relationship". I found out and confronted him and he deeply regretted it. And another time where he has been sexting another girl. Again, he deeply regretted it.

At that time I felt some feelings for another person. I tried to break up with my bf, but he begged me to stay. The other person, that felt strong feelings for me, chose to back away, finding that my waiting and my inability to break up with my SO was unfair to him, and I believe it was : I have been unfair to that person. Since then, they dont talk to me anymore. It has been 2 years and that left a hole in my chest.

I know that it seems like I should've break up with him a long time ago, and sometimes I believe so too. But, he has been the kindest, most supportive, and most uplifting person I have ever met. He is brilliant, and we share a deep connexion. There is still affection. We live appart for now, it has been 2 years that I asked him to be living with me. Just now he is ready for it.

When we do see each other, it's like I forget about my doubts and I feel in love with him again. But... it has been 2 years since we haven't been intimate towards each other. He loves me, has some desires, and has been patient, but I dont... feel anything. I tried to, but I cant have desire for him. I even begun to consider that I might be ace, but I do still feel sexual attraction, and desire. Just... not for him. And he can feel it, and we try to have talks about the fact that he misses it.

If I break up with him while he still loves me, my entire life will fall apart. Our friends will be divided, I wont get to see his family which are my friends without it being weird, I will lose not only my SO but my best friend, and I dont want to feel that "hole " in my chest anymore.

I left a rough, rough year behind me. 2021 has been filled with grief (lost ones ), failures, depression, sickness... it was the worst year of my life. Again, during that year he has been nothing but helpful, supportive and kind.

And now, I have a job again, i'm starting my studies again in september, I feel so much better, I'm starting to see a psychiatrist soon to confirm or not doubts of ADHD... and I should live with him in september. But I dont want to start that stage of life and screw it up, and change my mind 2 months after that.

I dont know how to untangle that knot in my brain, and I dont want it to be a bad year, not another one.