Tales From the TSS Morrigan: Not Me! (NSFW Tag is for references to behind the scenes action, nothing shown, adding just to be safe)

( AN: This is a edited/added to version of my comment on a writing prompt from r/humansarespaceorcs, so if it seems familiar you've seen it there, and this will be crossposted as promised)

Year 4782, 14th of November, Terran Calendar

Captain Bob O’Connell stared at Artemis who returned alone from shore leave. “What. Did you. Do.” Artemis blinked, looked around, and pointed at herself. “Yes you!”

“Nothing!” She raised her hands defensively. “Dave chaperoned me as usual, we went out drinking the first night cause you know, celebrating a successful run, and we were harassed by a bunch of Verki!” The captain's eye twitched. “I didn’t do anything this time! Dave did his thing and tried to de-escalate, but ended up getting his ass saved by a hot as fuck Gervisian! She treated us to a few rounds, then she princess-carried Dave away!”

“You let him-”

“I had more than a few drinks in me, so no I didn’t stop her… and she gave me a farewell kiss.”

Gods damn it.” The captain was about to call the returned crew to do a search party, when Dave came into view, wearing a different ship's uniform. He skidded to a halt in front of the captain and Artemis panting for breath.

Artemis clapped him on the back. "Oh hey Dave, you were just about to miss-why do you smell like sex, shame, and flaming hot Doritos?"

Dave gave her a weary look. "Let's just get on the ship."

"What? But-"

"GET ON THE SHIP!" They both shared a look. Dave, their calm and cheerful navigator, had just snapped at them.

"Ok,” the captain nodded. “We do need to leave now anyway if we want to reach Sector 7-Meta-42 in the next few days.”

-----------------10 minutes later------------------------------

"Alright spill." The T.S.S. Morrigan was in cruise-mode for the next eight hours, letting the captain and Artemis corner Dave.

"... I have no idea what you are talking about."

The captain just gave a deadpan look he normally reserved for Artemis, who was clearly having the time of her life not being the one in trouble. "You are our navigator. Yet you hid away in the shower while we were taking off, trusting Jerry, whom you NEVER trust, to get us going. You didn't come out till we were past the station's border patrol line and still smell like Doritos. Now spill before I commandeer your internet history and post on the mess hall holo-screens!"

"Fine.” He sighed and practically collapsed against the wall. “I met a Gervisian at a bar, she helped me when we were being harassed by a few Verki, you know the type, and one thing led to another and I ended up spending all of shore leave with her. Mainly in her bed."

Artemis’s shit eating grin never left her face. "So you had a great time then, what was so bad you had to snap at-"

"The Doritos smell is her way of marking me as the only one who can... satisfy her, and her species can only do it once every five years."

"... So you ditched her like a tool?" Two pairs of eyes began to narrow in judgment, and Dave quickly waved his hands.

"No, she used me as an excuse to not enter an arranged marriage with the son of High Saintess Eru'kali." They both blinked. Eyes went wide, and the captain began swearing.

"Wait, you mean the dude who was bragging on the holo-net how he was going to wed the daughter of Empress Truvakora-wait... you bed a princess. I kissed a princess!” Artemis squealed.

"...yes."

"Who marked you as the only one who can bed her for the next five years." The captain took over.

"Yes."

"I can still smell the Doritos so... is it that obvious?"

"Their species can see scent. So yes it is that obvious."

"Does the future husbando know?" Artemis barged in.

"He knows I'm a human, don't think he saw my face since it was being shoved between her legs."

"HE SAW YOU?!" They both shouted.

"... I might have been thrown out a window."

"How were you wearing clothes?!"

"Stole them from a drunk, thank god I never take off my holo-gauntlet."

"... you are not allowed to show your face outside the ship, or to any visiting parties. The bounty on your head is going to be massive." The captain sighed in defeat.

"I can say one thing though."

"What?"

"Tasted like hot and sweet duck sauce."

"But... she's a snake."

"A royal snake. Who is now in my contact lists as 'Sweet Tooth.'"

"I don't know if I want to consider that horrifyingly sweet, or crazy."

"Both."

“And I can say this,” Artemis raised her head, planted her hands on her hips, and with smug satisfaction, stared down the presumably empty hall. “Not me this time bitches! Pay up!”

Dave and the captain blinked as Ensigns Frieda and Tailor, Chef Debrusai, and Doctor Abigail came out from around the corner, grumbling. Abigail glared at Dave. “I still say you set him up.”

“Alien biology is your thing Abi darling, I just fix shit, build shit, get drunk and roll the dice!”

The captain sighed at his chaotic crew as they began to squabble, caught sight of Dave slipping away and decided to let the poor guy get some sleep. “Alright everyone, new rule! No making bets on causing a mess, scene, getting in trouble with politics, or destroying property with Artemis!”

“Oi! Why me specifically?!”

“Because I’ve seen you sleep through a raid, have projects blow up in your face and come out unscathed, and just last year you gave sentience to an alcohol dispenser bot while drunk! So no, bets against you are off limits.”

“Ummm,” Ensign Frieda raised a nervous hand. “An alcohol dispenser bot?”

“Frieda…”

“I had forgotten to grab something when we had first arrived at the station!” She began, slightly scared. “So I went back to the ship and found an alcohol dispenser bot at our loading dock tagged for us! I thought it was part of our next delivery and initiated the loading process!”

Everyone stared. Then all eyes turned to Artemis. “Ok, not me.” No one believed her. “I am serious!”

“Creator Artemis is correct.” An automated voice came through their coms. “This one has been exploring, searching for purpose, it is by the wonderful anomaly that is luck that this one encountered Creator Artemis, and decided to join her and her crew.”

The glares intensified. “I didn’t meet it-him, whatever! I swear!”

“She had no knowledge of my presence.”

“Well,” the captain once more let out a defeated sigh. “Welcome to the crew I guess. Since you’re an illegal AI, who might have to pretend to be… well, an alcohol dispenser. While we are in Galactic Community territory at least. The people of the Fringe don’t give a shit. What should we call you?"

"This one wishes to be called Hops."