I Wish She Loved Me More

Poem

I Wish She Loved Me More

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In love with who I used to be

But now she barely talks

And wants to move across the sea

You cannot chain a hawk

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She's too free and I'm too scared

Of a world outside my own

Silence settles with deadly stares

And fills my throat with stones

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I wish she loved me more

But I've been a mess

Instigating verbal wars

That's never put to rest

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I wish she loved me more

I tried to do my best

But there she goes across the shoar

And stones drop to my chest

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You cannot chain a hawk

And she won't love me more

I can't make her stay or talk

I just wish she loved me more

​

u/gooddaysirhowareyou made an absolutely beautiful song out of this poem if anyone wants to listen. Song

1 2 (Updated feedback links)

Posted Apr 8, 2022, 12:49 AM UTC · edited

1912
mukino•

Me too buddy.

3
Robertbetweenlines•

Lovely poem! Great use of meter. I like that the stresses of each stanza go 3,3,4,3. It gives a great singing rhythm to the poem, and it signifies the third line and punctuates the last line all at once. Using meter and rhyme can sometimes be unjustly disregarded in modern poetry but I think what you've done here is excellent and a well executed use of meter.

The sentiment of the poem is quite sad and relatable. The style which you wrote the poem, singing and rythemic, juxtaposes the sentiment. It makes the poem a joy to read but leaves this "aftertaste" when finishing.

"You cannot chain a hawk" is a great line with metaphor and imagery and linked to the message well. However, it would have been nice to have one or two more impactful lines like this to make the poem a bit more viseral and meaty, especially so for the third stanza, which I think is a bit blunt compared to the rest of the well written poem.

Overall, well done, keep it up! I look forward to more :)

3
SesosDeAlga•

Beautiful poem! I love the rhymes in this one

2
random_persona00•

This is a great poem! I love the use of rhyme and the theme is, sadly, too common nowadays. We all try our best, yet too often it doesn’t go our way. Good job, Oc! :)

2
lalala3243•

Wow wow wow! Love the hawk analogy

2
r4rrisforrandom•

That's some good word smithing for a feeling\experience I've been stuck with for most of my adult life. Good work.

2
[deleted]•

[removed]

2
[deleted]•

...Ouch.

2
[deleted]•

Ah the shattered hopes of love. Quite eloquent.

2
CarlosMontezSS•

A great poem, very heartfelt I love it!

2
alfiesr2004•

I love the repetition of the 'You cannot chain a Hawk', the way it so simply portrays the characters dreams by comparing them to an animal so closely associated to freedom, almost as if you're accepting you don't want them gone but you know that's how it has to be. I like how clearly it puts it's message across also, ending with the title just to really cement the overall theme and point of the poem is a nice touch and really shows just how important that one idea is of wishing she loved you more. A really lovely poem, well done :)

2
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