I’m Torn

I still think about you all the time. I wonder if you’re doing alright. I hope that you keep getting called for the gigs you always hoped you would get called for. I hope that school is going well. I wonder if you’re happier now that we aren’t together. It scares me because, in all honesty, you might be. I want you to be happy but it’s hard to see you be happier without me.

I have so much I want to tell you, but I just can’t come up with the words. I keep trying to cover this pain with work, with other women, with alcohol. But it always creeps up. My love for you and my hurt seems to always be there when I least expect it. Every time I see a car like the one you drive I check to see if it’s you. When you sporadically text me I still get butterflies and simultaneously feel sick to my stomach. I’m just lost, I don’t know what I’m doing.

It’s really hard to see you continue to fade from my life. You follow one less of my Instagram accounts, you no longer follow my friends. We’re undoing the whole process of becoming a part of each other’s lives it seems. That hurts the most. We were such integral, natural pieces of each other’s lives. Even if we do work things out, that’s a hard process to do a second time.

Maybe I’m better off without you. Maybe I would be better off finding someone who will be 100% committed to me and know what their feelings are. You said at the end you just didn’t know if those feelings would come back. I don’t know if I want to cause myself the pain and distress that would come with finding out.