Oh no, they get much better and more incisive than I'm capable of. Someone will come in later and point out a thematic issue I missed and make everything I said moot lol.

Thank you so much! I'm grateful that you were able to connect with the intent of the story and give critique from that perspective. I'm not used to keeping narrative distance in mind while writing, so it felt really awkward while I was revising. Super helpful to see the parts where it felt jarring or stilted.

> "Only need a little to finish my cherry pie, Ralph."

Ooh, I actually think there's an opportunity here to show Richard's like mild panic at the thought that he won't be able to finish this pie, which is really important to him for undisclosed reasons. Like if Ralph doesn't say yes to this seemingly silly request his whole day is fucked. Would help with distancing.

> His neighbor's eyes were fixed on him, expression unreadable.

Okay, this whole interaction was just a little bit off-putting, and I think it's this line. Because I've read through the rest a bunch of times and it all fits the feeling of loss, and then we get to this line and I feel like Ralph is looking at Richard in a possibly protective, accusatory way. I think if you identify Ralph's expression as pitying, that'll fix the vibe I'm getting. Because everything else is fine in a vacuum and I get what you're going for and I think the idea is good. It's just hard to walk that line without crossing into creepy territory, 

**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

I really like this premise and overall it was an enjoyable read. I didn't catch the last version of this but I do think there are still some slight issues with narrative distance, emotional engagement. I wasn't altogether detached but I really think it could be stronger given the subject matter, and I think just some edits/cuts will help with distance, especially near the end. Hopefully I can suggest some helpful changes in those areas. 

**HOOK**

I thought the parking lot was a pretty good hook. Description gave me a clear mental image, set a vaguely apocalyptic tone, and had me asking why. "Object that loomed overhead" worked well for me too. More apocalypse vibes, questions not immediately answered (which I love), and gives a bit of exposition at the same time. Whatever's in the sky is 1) abnormal, and 2) has been there for long enough for this guy to disregard it for the moment. I'm just so happy to be asking questions instead of receiving answers right now

Thanks for such a thoughtful critique! I'm glad that the story was at least entertaining even if you didn't necessarily like it or connect with it. I was trying to show a different range of reactions with the side characters, so I may not have done enough to make them relatable or understandable.

# Bias Admission

I mostly read literary and speculative fiction; keep this in mind as you read my critique.

# First Impressions

I like to do a first pass where I present to you my impressions as they form. That way, you get to see what goes on inside the head of a potential reader. Afterwards I'll re-read it a few times and go into specifics.

The first paragraph presents the protagonist, Richard, and a seeming threat. As a hook it works fine. Richard seems grumpy, so I'm expecting that grumpiness to play a major role in this story.

By the second paragraph, I'm wondering whether some catastrophe has struck or if it's just general poverty at work. And I'm also wondering where that looming object went. Is it a balloon? A meteor?

It seems somewhat peaceful considering the destruction. Which makes me curious. What has happened?

> “Can’t blame you, considering what day it is.”

Is it purge night?

Ah. It's a meteor. Now comparisons will unavoidably be made with *Don't Look Up*. Though

Make her put a little more effort into deescalating, or he still wary of her for a few moments, eyeing her to make sure she's not armed, or he vaguely recognize her, which would fix the other issue with the store familiarity.

Thanks for the critique! Kinda overwhelmed by the length of it, tbh. I really appreciate that you put so much time and effort into it, even to the point of still thinking about the story a day after reading the opening lines. 

I am curious about the comment you made with Richard seeming sexist when first seeing the woman in the grocery store. I didn't intend any sexist undertones there, I just wanted to write that he saw someone there who happened to be a woman. Do you have a suggestion for how I could've mentioned her gender without coming off as biased?

**MISC LOGICAL ISSUES**

>In the cookware section he sifted through dented pie pans and tins, stopping on one that looked somewhat acceptable. It was chipped around the edges, but **made from heavy red ceramic that would shine with a good wash**.  
>  
>*(Store scene)*

Cultural differences could be making me picture something completely off.

Is that a glazed ceramic dish? A chip that stripes the glazing away won't let the surface shine no matter how hard you scrub it, and that's what this sentence is implying: Not that cleaning it would make the dish shine *apart* from the damaged area, but that it would shine as a whole, damaged areas included.

>He gripped the pie pan so tightly that the chipped **ceramic edges** bit into his skin, drawing blood.  
>  
>(...)  
>  
>The pie had landed a few feet away. Margaret stood for a second, panting, then picked it up.  
>  
>“Forget it. I don’t have the energy for this.” **She hurled it at him.** It smashed against his chest, dripping down hi

**READER PROFILE AND BIAS**

A few things to consider when gauging the usefulness of my critique and where in the audience I fall: English is my second language. I'm not in the US nor any country at the top of the world pecking order; being culturally close enough to get such settings without issue, but with small divergences in daily life that make my POV slightly different. I'm a woman, been an adult for a little while, read predominantly SFF and have no concept of literary fiction, as this is not a hard and fast distinction done around here.

**HOOK**

I accidentally tested the premise strength by being forced to stop reading after Richard left the store. The hook remained in my mind the next day, prompting me to pick your story again rather than the book I was reading. Good job!

Looking at the first paragraph in isolation I can tell it worked well, but has room for improvement.

**PROSE**

Out of curiosity I checked the first paragraphs of the previous version and your progress is

Thanks for your critique! You make some very valid points, I'll keep it in mind when revising.

**Section One - The Dollar Store Bit**

* Excellent first paragraph. Not only does it serve as a great introduction to this pre-apocalyptic version of Earth, but it also works as great characterisation for our MC. I like the fact that Richard is far more irritated by the litter in the parking lot than the imminent death ball looming above him.
* I get that vandals have run rampant through the store, but I still found it funny that laundry detergent and mustard is stored contiguously, especially with the cashier woman still maintaining the place. Not sure if this was intentional.
* 'Perhaps the vandals hadn't found much worth taking' is a really odd line considering that we only know laundry detergent and mustard remains. Surely the MC is smart enough to work out that with it being a grocery store, the vandals have taken the useful stuff and it's just the junk which is left? I think more clarity is needed here.
* This may be a short story, but I still think this cashier character needs 

Thanks so much for this! Super encouraging. You make a lot of good points and I'll definitely keep them in mind while I edit.

THE PROSE:I went over prose a bit in the premise section already, but that was in terms of how you could use it to bring out your premise more. Now I'll just try and tackle surface level stuff and what to try and shapen up in revision.First, I want to point out some instances where you're writing really shines."A window shattered somewhere in the distance. He washed his hands and put the ring back on."------Its short, concise, and there is an emotional connection with the ring. It shows movement and has a perfect flow using the abrupt syntax. Really nice work!"The street was clear, but the house across from him had had its windows smashed in. A dark red puddle glistened on the doorstep."----Vivid, and you saved a jarring, forboding image for that last sentence, excellent sense of pacing."She’d knitted him a pair of socks once, after he’d found her chihuahua stuck under his fence"----Great use of memory here, helps create the life of the character, and what we really need more of in reg

**The Story's Premise:** 

I think you have something here. What I enjoyed the most was how you depict the reactions of the MCs neighbors. It wasn't cliche and, while yes, some were running around with clubs and such, and there were signs of looting, there were people who seemed to just be going about their day, sort of stuck there hopeless with the time running against them. The scene you have with Ralph McHenry is the best example of this. It's one of your strongest scenes. There is something so surreal about two neighbors standing together in a yard, one of them asking for milk in the encroaching shadow of a meteor. If you should choose to revise this again, I suggest making this a focus. It could bring about a whole slew of new scenes, a backdrop to your story, of people trying to function during an impending apocalypse.  

There are a few spots and major elements of the story that feel a bit stilted, the emotional distance you mention in your post. I will try to parse through thos

Dear u/MidnightO2,  
  
General Remarks :  
  
I enjoyed reading this, as I felt that you did a great job of balancing the MC’s obsession with completing a trivial task that had immense meaning to him and the necessary explanations regarding the premise of the short story. There were a few points when I felt like the story was a bit heavy-handed, and I will point them out below. Obviously this is just my own opinion, and I felt like the flow was overall really great.  
  
More detailed points:  
  
The title drew me in, and the chaos of the opening paragraphs really kept the story moving. Even at the beginning, I like how you are establishing the MC’s frame of mind by describing his worries about his punctured tires and relief that at least some items were left in the ravaged store.  
  
The scene with Richard fumbling for his wallet and expressing discomfort as he tries to “check out” his groceries is fantastic—it really underscores how dissimilar this society is compared to

**First impression**

The title suggested a funny/quirky story - I could even hear the lyrics: “Sweet cherry pie, yeah” I didn't get what I was expecting.

**General comments**

My impression is that the story is some sort of comedy, with criticism of American culture as a nice side effect. I like the idea of the food having a special meaning. The guy making it from scratch adds a nice symbolism to it. You can see it both in the context of the mass produced culture or as in the context of a patriarchal society. The interpretation is left to the reader, which is nice.

I think most of the interactions of the characters are not believable, with the last interaction being the exception. I find it believable that his former wife rejected him.

The imagery associated with the food on the floor at the ending was good. It felt odd that the guy was bitter at the end, he knew what he did and it looks like he understood he was at fault, and was trying to find a way for him and maybe his wife to 

Premise: on the day that the world ends, a man goes about his errands.

Hello all, this is a complete short story that has gone through several rounds of revision. I submitted it here a couple weeks ago and got some really good critique, especially focusing on the narrative distance between the MC and the reader. So I'm looking for all kinds of feedback, but I also want to know if the MC connected emotionally, if the story was able to make you care what happened to him, etc.

I also want to try submitting to pro magazines one day. I don't necessarily expect to get this one published there, but any insight on what it takes to write like a pro, or whatever areas I'm lacking in, would be super helpful as well. Thanks!

Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vU23wKnYlfYt0uqDzFRcqCdhVvYapFjOH7gJxqKGC2E/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vU23wKnYlfYt0uqDzFRcqCdhVvYapFjOH7gJxqKGC2E/edit?usp=sharing)

Critiques:

\[[284](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u1e0m9/comment/i4fzs8v/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)\]

\[[2434](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u19d1i/comment/i4j345l/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)\]

\[[2263](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u2ru9e/comment/i4spvmk/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)\]

\[[1042](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u4frkd/comment/i4wy97g/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)\]

Total: 6023

[3510] Cherry Pie