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r/OCPoetry•
SwordieLotus

Morning Alarm

Poem

Sometimes I awaken before my alarm

and the day still lays without the sun.

I walk past the castle of time and space

and the churning mill where the world is run;

I sing a song that no one hears

and it carries far through the land;

to a lady laying who waits for rain,

and a wandering singer who left a band.

The sleepers starve, they gorge on dreams,

they say it’s not nice as it seems,

I hear them breathing in, and out,

their movement low and sticky slow

appears to be a muffled shout,

“we’re dying,” they say, “you have to wake us,

walk over to the beds and shake us

kiss our foreheads like our mothers would,

whisper tender like our lovers could,

and with the voice of God, loud and clear,

say, ‘It’s time to get up, dear.’”

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Posted Apr 19, 2022, 1:18 AM UTC

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cela_•

and the day still lays without the sun.
Okay, I like this, but I read it first as "and the day lays still without the sun." I'm not sure it really makes sense the way it is. Is what you meant that you lie in bed all day?

and the churning mill where the world is run;
hmm, this is sort of interesting...the running river...

I sing a song that no one hears
and it carries far through the land;
to a lady laying who waits for rain,
and a wandering singer who left a band.
this had a sort of romance to it, though I think you've sacrificed rather a lot to the interests of rhyme. a lady laying? lying? same as waiting?

after this, I feel you've written this all in one breath, trusting the rhythm, and it rather loses its thread.

Interesting beginning. sound of silence? the woke waker?

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SwordieLotusOP•

Firstly I really appreciate the critique!! It's encouraging to have really solid feedback and I'm thankful that you'd take time out to consider my work!

The idea behind the poem is that the speaker is sort of walking through this make believe land where time and space are represented physically and where the entire world is all managed in one building, sort of like a child's simplistic view of things.

The lady laying (you're totally right, it should be lying) was supposed to be a person on the other side of the world who lived in a far away impoverished country (hence the waiting for rain part), and I tried to contrast that with a musician on the road somewhere. I probably could work out the distinction between them and the idea I'm going for. My overall purpose in those lines was to communicate that the song being sung by the speaker is reaching all the way around the world.

I'm curious about your criticism of the second half. What about it loses its thread? I picked up the "tempo" in the sense that I think its much faster to read and move through. I was trying to create a stifled or claustrophobic feeling, but I can see how the irregular rhyming sequence could interrupt that.

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cela_•

I can see this grand, atlas-like vision now that you explain it, but it might need a little clarification in the poem.

I did definitely get the sense that the tempo picked up, and the tense feeling, all the negative wording, but it doesn't appear as thought-out as the first half of the poem. It may be all the emotion-heavy adjectives, that tell us what to feel...consider focusing more on what there is to see.

Good luck with your poem!

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damuch0•

I really like the tempo and rhyming scheme of your last few lines (starting from "we're dying,"), and think it might be worth trying incorporating that throughout the poem so it feels more unified.

"I sing a song that no one hears

and it carries far through the land"

has such a deep feeling tied to it. I loved these lines--to me they resonated with this sense of loneliness, or of work and turmoil within one's life that goes unrecognized. Nice job!

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PotentialAd6015•

The idea for a person to travel past time and space is strangely poetic, this alone was enough for a good start, but then “a song that no one hears” came along and made the first few lines of the poem great. The wording, however, could use a lot of help. I myself have faced a lot of problems regarding this matter, so i find it quit understandable when you can’t be sure to go with the word that expresses what you feel more profoundly or the one that rhymes perfectly. Sadly though, i don’t have a solid solution. I don’t think anyone does. Lastly, the atmosphere again started very good and was a little vague as i went on. All together this was great! I hope to read more like this.

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helenbakes88•

This poem has great imagery. And I loved how it finished, with the first person speaking. So cool

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a_blue_berry•

After reading your comment explaining some of your thoughts in writing this, I like it even better than I did initially. Something about the image of a wanderer - the only one awake - walking among the dreaming and finding them not peaceful, but fighting to escape is haunting.

I also think the structure is interesting; as far as I can see it's something like abcb defe and then more irregular pair rhymes. Like you said yourself, putting the rhyming lines closer together creates a feeling of urgency and a rhythm closer to a chant, I feel like, fitting for the dreamers begging for help.

Some of your word choices and phrasing could be improved, I think, or at least I might write them a bit differently, especially if your goal is to contrast the first, more orderly part and the tripping urgency of the second:

e.g. I would slightly reword the first two lines as:

Sometimes I wake before my alarm,

when the sleeping day still awaits the sun.

This would give you a slightly more regular pattern for where the lines are stressed. Also, if your goal is to express the wanderer's song reaching the entire world, I would just write that. Maybe sth. like

I sing a song that no one hears,

it spreads and winds around the world

Obviously those are just my suggestions! In any case, really enjoyed reading and analysing your poem :D

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