life inside a pinball machine
[deleted]
Posted Apr 20, 2022, 5:23 PM UTC
43
Good afternoon PeaQuirky5960. I loved the poem. Deep, directly indirect. Complex and with an interesting metaphor. I'm tired as well. These years have been tiring... If I may make a suggestion, I would like to suggest that you rest and write. Screw the pinball machine. Greetings from Brazil!
1
This line, the second in particular, is so so strong. I got chills.
"clacking teeth, bleeding mouth
my father's poetry feels familiar now"
I really like the setting for the metaphor, I think it has a lot to offer in terms of vivid descriptions. I think it's a strong start but I also think there's so much more you could work with.
With the exception of the line that I mentioned above, it seems a bit disembodied and general. I think if you went a bit more personal and used more specifics, it would really take that chill of that one line and make the whole poem really strong.
I feel like there's so much potential with this idea!
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[deleted]
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