Thank you so much! I think your discussion of confusion is on point; while writing this piece, I didn't have a plot in mind so much as a collection of memories, which were aimed at creating a theme about the beauty of humanity and hope. The first section felt stuffed in, even to me; I didn't want to get rid of it because I thought changing the implication of "they're coming"--first the angels, then the bombs--would be emotionally potent, but evidently, I was too biased while editing. Thanks again; your commentary was very valuable!

Hi there, thanks for sharing.

**First impressions**

I think the title of your piece is fine for a chapter or a very short story, but if this is part of a larger story you might want to find something more interesting. (Can also be a one-word title, I just think “Angles” is a little overused.)

Now then, I’ll get it out straight away: I hated your first line. It made me actually want to close the document and go read something else. I tend not to judge a story just by the first line, but this one forced me to. With this line your story will not be accepted for publication. Let’s see why:

* The first line is way too long. It goes on and on and on. It can easily be split in two, maybe three sentences. The many comma’s make the line feel clunky and it is hard to keep your focus on. This may sound silly, but long sentences (especially when the reader is not invested yet) will make your readers lose attention really quickly.
* I also think it’s quite cliché. Especially the first bit. “The

Thank you for your commentary. I had focused very little on progression in this piece, and I suppose that was an oversight. Your comment about the biblical angels is very interesting--that had not been my intention, but this piece *is* rather abstract, and the prose/story combination couldn't have helped. Thanks again!

Editing so that I'm not leeching.

There's a sense of un-time here that greatly affects the story. I don't mean I don't know what year it is; I mean I can't keep up with the continuity. By the end of the third page, I wasn't even sure what genre I was reading. Put simply, this is a mess.

This doesn't feel coherent. It feels like a stream-of-consciousness piece that meanders throughout the whole thing. Stories don't necessarily need plot to function, but I feel as if I know next to nothing ab out the speaker nor the scenario. All sorts of seemingly important and interesting things happen, but there's just... no way for me to be invested.

From what I can gather, there was some kind of nuclear war, some time travel somehow, and now there are Biblical Angels coming? The overall atmosphere conveys to me that you want to write a magical realism-type thing, but that... doesn't really work here. I'm slightly biased against Magical Realism as a whole, but it can work as long as it has a somew

Thank you so much! I appreciate your support. Another reader had pointed out the conflict about age--I certainly had not thought that through. Your comment about getting too attached to your own prose is on point--I think one of the main selling points (at least in my head) of this piece was its prose, but I neglected the story beneath. Thanks again!

**Dialogue** 

The way the dialogue and narration was ordered threw me off completely. At points, it was unclear which was which. There's definitely some reworking that needs to be done. Take this example:

*“One month. That was how long our mothers told us to wait, before we could all play pillow war outside. Your uncle threw a fit–it had been so long since we’d last had one. And board games could only last so long.”* 

*A spinning top sat tilted, its rainbow paint chipped, revealing the soft cream of frayed wood.* 

Is the spinning top from the present? The past? To me, the spinning top is just some random image. This sort of progression works in a film medium (where wider context is already being conveyed through the visual context) but doesn't really work in a written context. In writing, a lot more is left to the imagination, so we need to be considerably clearer. You'll probably benefit from walking away from this piece and coming back to it with fresh eyes. 

**Miscellaneous** 


Hi InternalMight367,  
   
Thanks for sharing your story. Here's what I thought.  

On my first read, I found the story confusing. From the start, I was asking who is the narrator? Who are they talking to? And perhaps most importantly, why are they talking? For a thousand-ish word story, I spent too long trying to decipher all this before finally getting enough information to get my bearings. There was enough there to sketch a scene in my head - a survivor in a post-war dystopian America describing to youngins what the end felt like – but this all needed to be made clearer much earlier on. 

  
**Hook**   
I didn't feel much a hook and it was hard to want to read to the end. I was curious to see where you took things but can’t say that if I stumbled across this story elsewhere this curiosity alone would have been enough to compel me to keep reading. There's stuff you can do to fix this though which I'll get into below. 

**Plot**  
The best thing you can do make this story more grippin

Thank you! I don't think you were alone in not understanding what was going on - it seems that the lack of a story is a main point of confusion here. It seems I don't give the reader enough material to understand the speaker, their motivation, and the structure of the piece. Thanks again!

First impressions 

On my first read through this story the main thing that stuck out to me was the significant amount of world-building you did, using basic character actions and small slightly strange details. I understand you want your future dystopian yet still hope-filled society to draw people, but the entire time throughout the story there was hardly any conflict. You write about making pumpkin pie and seating tables. In such a seemingly dangerous time period, many of the characters feel relaxed and as if they're part of our own modern-day society. I also felt you skipped over ideas that could have had more meaning if they were set up properly, like how the father left, but then it's given no further attention, which made It really care about the father leaving. Another major issue I felt was the plot structure. The events didn't feel intertwined or like they had any connected stakes that built off one another. Knowing choice that threw me off was the paragraph structure. Many t

Hello! It was a pleasure reading your story. Although I do have some notes about how a few things were handled, I’d first like to tell you specifically what I enjoyed.

There are some beautiful images and sentences/sections that were placed well within the piece. By placed well I mean that they held meaning because of what came before them rather than being empty and superficially pretty.

One example of this is (note - I’m omitting part of this to make it shorter, but the whole passage was enjoyable for me):

*Is it genetics, I wonder, that drags some of us beneath the waves? And lifts the flailing rest to barren shores? …*

*…*

*I’m sorry I couldn’t stay.*

Another is:*They would call it a catastrophe, the end in a sequence of dominoes which set in motion the countdown of humanity. …*

*…*

*“They’re coming.”*

I also loved the image you end the story on and the contrast between kids in a pillow war and nuclear war (plus the call back to the imagery of “feathers” and how you layered

This chapter is a bit confusing, things get too chaotic. It hurt my brain and I think you should take a slower approach. It needs several rewrites and a lot of edits, so much so I think it would be best if you start over.

Among this chaos, it’s hard critique as I don’t know where to start. I think you describe the wrong things and give attention to wrong subjects. That’s good, it means you have the right kind of energy, you just need use it correctly.

The Dialogue was bad. You need to have a clear beginning, middle and end. You need to show characters emotions. You need to make them more interesting.

The prosing and pacing having the issue, but they are better compared to the other parts. They just need some oil to make everything more smoother.

Overall, you have the right sprit. As teenager, this a great piece. I would say keep it up the good work and you will be able to write better in no time.

Hello! I'm trying to submit this to a teen-focused literary magazine. Thoughts?

Questions: I would love to know what your initial impressions were as you read. What parts stood out? What parts were overly dramatic? And how was the ending?

Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/10VIEz3WSJ6mZgJ6\_t5qh04mG5YMYYzqQisUzP5Ds\_Rk/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/10VIEz3WSJ6mZgJ6_t5qh04mG5YMYYzqQisUzP5Ds_Rk/edit?usp=sharing)

Critique \[1357\]: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/twyk5j/1357\_pala/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/twyk5j/1357_pala/)

[1247] Angels