Source
r/OCPoetry•
a_heart_and_pen

what will remain

Poem

Since birth, 

All I have known is this Earth, 

Soaked in beauty from the rain, 

When I'm gone what will remain?

Will it be my voice?

Ringing loud like  thunder,

Or 

Will, it ring as soft as the waves crashing along the shores on a summer night,

Will memories of my touch still spark passion in one's desires and burn bright?

Will my face be clear to see in minds like smiles around a campfire?

What will come of me?

As time drips away and I no longer remain.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uawsp6/the_crackheads/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ub9rg6/the_words_we_dont_say_are_the_most_important_ones/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

Posted Apr 25, 2022, 5:13 AM UTC

76
Slimebot32•

I like it, Really makes you think. One suggestion though would be that i think you could combine lines 5 and 6 to improve the tone, same with 7 and 8

2
IcyWeather3•

Hey, sorry I don't mean to be rude at all I just read your feedback and had a few questions I'd like to ask about it. #. What did you like about the poem? #. what does the poem make you really think about? #. How would combining lines 5 and 6 aswell as 7 and 8 improve the 'tone' as you mentioned? #. What is the tone that you are mentioning?

1
TherealAldeen•

I enjoyed this poem a lot, good job! I have a few suggestions:

  1. I felt like the flow in the first half worked better than the second half, I think this is because the lines become much longer in the second half, which throws the meter off.
  2. I think you over-used some words; for example, the word "will" is used too many times in the second half of the poem. Here is one example of how I think the flow can improve while also eliminating overused word:

Will it be my voice?

Ringing loud like thunder,

Or

Will, it ring as soft as the waves crashing along the shores on a summer night?

Will memories of my touch still spark passion in one's desires and burn bright?

Will [and] my face be clear to see in minds [?] like smiles around a campfire?

What will come of me?

As time drips away and I no longer remain.

2
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
Background_Bowl_6584•

Loved the first half other than a lack of multi syllable rhymes, because when you have single syllable rhymes it makes it sound not nearly as good and shows less effort. The flow was also drastically shifted when you went from half a sentence lines to run on sentence lines that take too long in between rhymes. Inner sentence rhymes may help in those run ons though. Besides that great work!

1
Mynamejeaff•

I really enjoyed how the poem starts and finishes similarly.

The rhyme scheme was subtle yet effective.

I have to admit I enjoyed the first half of the poem as the longer sentences in the second half kinda lost me, perhaps you could make the sentences a bit shorter.

But overall I loved the theme and really liked the imagery you created.

Great job!

1