[696] If I were your angel, my son
[deleted]
Posted Apr 29, 2022, 4:27 PM UTC · edited
42
Wow, this was a difficult one to critique for many reasons.
Rhyming:
I love the idea of rhyming and blurring the line between poetry and prose. It fits in with the childlike aesthetic, which contributes to the magic of the writing. But some of the rhyming was not done very well and felt like it was forced.
I liked "If all your clothes were wrong, I'd ask what you'd want to wear. You'd chew at your lip and twist the end of your hair." Not only did it have rhyme, the rhythm of the sentences flowed well together.
This rhyme I felt was too forced:
"If you finally felt brave and whole, you'd walk out the house, chin thrust in the air. Lovely people would form crowds, weeping together because you'd be so fair."
The rhythm doesn't flow right and in the second sentence the "you'd be so" sounds clunky, or maybe because after the comma in the second sentence there are too many syllables and it doesn't match the first sentence. It doesn't always have to if you can do it right, but in this instance it's clunky.
Story:
I am a little confused by the story and its lack of context. I understand that the mother died and the son is transgender, but both of these elements have a disconnect with each other. Unless the mother died from violence because her child is transgender, the child being mad at the father for not being an angel like the mother doesn't really connect because throughout the story it seems like the father wishes he could do more for his son. Most of the story is about the father and how he wishes he could keep his child safe from harm and provide him with the best resources, and the dead mother thing comes from nowhere except to try to pull more emotional weight.
I would understand if in the first paragraph something was conveyed like if the father were to choose what type of angel to be, he would choose to be like the mother, although he can't be in reality, but in the first paragraph he says if he were an angel he'd be a shitty one. And then in the second paragraph, he says if he were an angel he'd help the child get ready for the ball. There's a disconnect between the first paragraph and the next few. The first paragraph, as I interpreted it, is acknowledging that even as an angel he'd be a shitty one like he is a shitty father, but the last paragraph is telling the reader that the mother did all of those things for the child. There is a lack of context explaining why, if the mother did do all of those things, the father can't also do most of those things (like buying clothes and dancing with his kid -- the ones about the rocks I felt was very strong, because it's something that only magic can protect them from).
Another point is that you spoil your own twist when you said "I'd hold your mother and into her not at all dead hands" in paragraph six. The last paragraph would hit much harder if I didn't already know the mother was dead and the good angel was who he was referring to.
Also, I don't understand this line: "Your brothers would wonder why you got all of me".
Prose:
I felt most of the prose was uninspired. There are some I liked, like the first paragraph for its imagery, and the concrete detail of dancing to Shakira's song because it felt very human, and the carnivorous necklace because it felt like something a child would actually wish for and does bring about some mysticism, but most of the other prose was lackluster in detail and originality.
Miscellaneous:
Minor spelling errors. "If I was" should be "If I were". "Not at all dead hands" should be hyphenated. You made an its error in paragraph 7.
2
Yes, I think 1.5k total from that crit is fair enough and about as far as that one stretches. Would be much appreciated if you'd link the crit again in the body of the post even if you're reusing it from an earlier submission, though. Thanks!