Gently curl back the lid
And snug rows of silver
Shimmer in their oil pan.
Shake out that thick brine,
And toss sputtering bodies in hot skillet
With toasted nuggets of garlic.
A teaspoon of chili crisp
And a teaspoon of brown sugar
Makes bubbles shine with
glossy caramel
and burst
ever
so
slowly.
Serve with noodles.
Posted May 1, 2022, 3:49 AM UTC
I loved snug rows of silver, and 'toss sputtering bodies' there's a great repetition of 'S' sounds throughout the whole poem which adds to the frying soundscape pretty effectively.
My suggestions are mostly to consider what isn't needed - do we really need the 'gently' in line 1? Definitely lose 'and' from l2 and 5, and add 'a' before hot skillet.
I think also 'that thick brine' isn't working and would be better as just 'shake out thick brine'
Bubbles shine with / line break is not good for me, the enjambment would be stronger if you broke the line at 'shine'
I see what you're going for with the single word lines where the bubbles burst but it isn't doing it for me, I'd just keep the structure consistent but that's my personal opinion. I'd probably not go for 'ever so slowly' - it doesn't feel like the way someone would speak and so sort of makes the language feel a bit lofty and artifical.
Serve with noodles almost seems to snap me out of this kind if hypnotic spell the rest of the poem has me in, so I'm actually undecided as to whether I like this ending or not. I would suggest trying it without, and see what you think. Quick example could be:
Curl back the lid -
Snug rows of silver
Shimmer in their oil pan.
Shake out thick brine,
Toss sputtering bodies in a hot skillet
With toasted nuggets of garlic.
A teaspoon of chili crisp
And brown sugar
Makes bubbles shine
with glossy caramel
and burst, so slowly.
Serve with noodles.
Thank you so much, these edits are very helpful!
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There is a lot to admire about the vivid and visceral use of language that textures this poem.
Do you think it could be, slim oily can? What if instead of toss sputtering bodies you included their? Perhaps use the indefinite article for in "a" hot skillet. After skillet you start a list of ingredients so maybe try a : . I'm not against two uses of teaspoon, but there are different and evocative ways to say it like pinch and sprinkle .
That said as a general note, when using prose description often times concrete nouns are more visual than adjectives. I really loved your use of language in this poem v much
Hi thank you so much for you comments. I could definitely be a slim oily can or maybe even just a slim can. I think "their" and "a" would make more sense with the rest of the grammar. I was mostly just trying to keep this line from getting too long but that may have been a mistake. I like the idea of a sprinkle.
I took me a while to understand your last comment about nouns vs adjectives. I was confused as to why you were treating them as an "either or" type thing as I always used them together as friends. But I tried to think about how this poem would be with no adjectives and it was quite eye-opening. The metaphors become more creative and vivid. Thanks for such an interesting piece of advice. That one will definitely stay with me.