Infertility Imposter

Hey there. I experienced all of these feelings too. We waited until the 2 year mark to seek help because I felt like I must have just been doing something wrong? Or like, didn't think any of it would help? I wasn't emotionally ready to step into that world. Since you asked for advice, mine would be to take things at your own pace. The year guideline is a minimum, it's not a requirement. If you feel like you need to wait a little longer, that's completely OK. It's ok to take some time to mourn the fertility path that you thought you would have. Additionally, I'd like to offer some reassurance. For me, most of the time, the idea of each new treatment/procedure has been much worse than the reality. Once you get the ball rolling you're just kind of...in it. And the next steps come like putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm glad you opened up about your experience and your feelings. You're not alone, friend 🧡

I relate to this so hard. I've been searching for the words to describe my feelings towards the "unexplained infertility" diagnosis, which hardly feels like a diagnosis when you just sort of arrive there after a year of trying. With all of our initial testing coming back okay, there's no red flag, nothing that indicates that it won't happen for us, but here we are, 17 cycles later.

I've been weary identifying with infertility because I don't want to minimize the experiences of people dealing with irregular cycles, PCOS, endo, male factor infertility, or any other medical diagnosis that can affect fertility. I always want to make sure I'm holding space for others and maintaining a realistic perspective on this situation. I've spent the last few months overanalyzing my charts, saying things like "well maybe we were just off on our days," or "I did have a cold a few weeks back, maybe that messed with my ovulation." In some ways, it's helped me manage my emotions, but I also think it's made me convince myself I haven't "earned" treatment yet. Which is silly, when I would encourage any person who was in this situation to explore every option available to them and not dismiss their struggles.

Thank you for putting this into words. I encourage you to not dismiss your feelings about what you're facing. This is hard, please be gentle with yourself. Sending virtual hugs!!

The infertility imposter feeling is one of the reasons why I didn’t push harder for treatment.

I’ve had unexplained infertility for 10 years, but because I kept on going to the doctor and finding nothing, kept on getting invasive procedures and still finding nothing, my husband had above average results and a perfect bill of health, I felt like I had no right to complain.

My doctors even discouraged me from pursuing treatment because there was ‘nothing’ wrong with me.

It’s not until I hit 34/35, and crossed into 10 years of trying, that they started to take me seriously.

Infertility comes with a whole host of feelings. None of which are invalid. You're definitely not an imposter though.

I was chatting with a friend last night about an illness she had that required a hospital visit. At the time she dramatically downplayed what she was going through, and we talked about the fact that growing up she was always made to feel like being sick was her fault, so she automatically downplays that experience and feels guilt when she is sick, even though she had a legit, terrible medical condition that did require immediate care in an ER.

My point is that we respond to things in funny ways based on the past, or our expectations.

With a 1% morphology, you are right, maybe you could get pregnant on your own. But maybe not. Or most likely not.

Needing medical help isn't a badge you need to earn. Medical interventions can help us towards health and goals. You have a goal of having a child, and you and your husband need help.

Its okay to feel what you are feeling, but I hope you hear from me that your experience, your feelings, your hopes are valid. You belong. You matter.

I hope this helps.

I feel this 100%, like I could've written this myself. I am 34 and my husband is 43 and we've been trying for a year and also fall into the unexplained category, aside from the exact same 1% morphology. (Our RE didn't seem too concerned about this.) So far all of our testing has come back normal.

On the one hand, it's nice to know we are basically healthy, but also frustrating that we have no idea why we're not getting pregnant. Even scarier is not knowing if we'll be successful with various treatments.

Our RE recommended IUI, which we plan to start this summer. He also said we certainly still could get pregnant naturally, but given our ages and desire for multiple kids, we don't really want to wait.

I don't have any answers but just want to say I have this same struggle. Like sure, we could get pregnant naturally and I'd rather save the time and money, but there's just truly no way to knowing.

First of all, you are anything but an imposter and in your edit I know you clarify that for others. There is an exercise that I do that helps to create self compassion. Just think if you had your best friend saying what you are saying to yourself, and how much more compassion you would show them than what you are showing right now.

Being unexplained is so hard but you are doing the best you can and don't go calling yourself an imposter anymore ❤

I haven't been trying for too long so I'm sure that the other posters will have better advice than me. I wanted to comment though, as I was listening to the Natalie Crawford podcast episode on unexplained infertility the other day and, if you haven't listened to it, you might find it useful.

She explains the chances of conception with unexplained really well. I can't remember them off the top of my head but it was something like you have a 3-4% chance of conception after the first year if you haven't already. So of course it could happen but, for me, that flagged as very unlikely. I guess it's a question of balancing that against other factors such as age and affordability.

Oof I really relate to this. We have unexplained infertility and this month is cycle 22 of TTC. Next month we will start IVF. I keep wondering if I’m overreacting or moving forward with it too soon. Literally question whether I’ve just been timing it wrong or we’re doing sex wrong, somehow.

What I fall back on is I can only do what feels right for us. At 12 months of trying we didn’t quite feel ready yet to see the RE and start treatment; at 15 months I suddenly felt a lot of urgency to move forward. At 18 months I was desperate to try anything and just be pregnant. All you can do is follow the guidance of your doctors and whatever you feel emotionally ready for. Good luck!

I am going through the same feelings except I am in my mid twenties so it makes me feel even more like I’m overreacting. “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time” goes through my head every time I get a negative test. But it’s been almost 2 years of actively trying and all tests coming back normal. I tried discussing next steps with my doctor and she made me feel like I was moving too fast and it wasn’t necessary yet.

As for your family, you don’t owe them an explanation or run down of your health history. If you don’t want to tell people how you conceived, don’t tell them! Good luck friend 💕

Fellow unexplained infertility over here! I echo all your sentiments. Its incredibly frustrating to feel like this should be working for you but isn't. And even more frustrating to have family/friends not understand and make insensitive comments (we've definitely had our fair share of those). But at the end of the day struggling with infertility doesn't always mean you have a laundry list of issues and traumas. In your/our case it means that our bodies do not know how to get and stay pregnant. And while to others that might not seem like something to get upset about by some, these feelings of anger/exhaustion/frustration etc. are 100% valid. My best advice, focus on you and your partner, if you're at that stage start talking to a doctor to get a plan in place, drown everything else out as best you can. Wishing you and yours the best!

Sending 💛

You aren’t alone. I feel similarly like an infertility imposter or outsider despite currently starting up IVF, mostly because our infertility is due to severe male factor. My husband made a joke the other day that I can’t claim to be infertile either cause that would be “stealing valor” (lol I actually thought that was hilarious and glad he has a sense of humor about it). Even though WE are infertile together, I still feel like an imposter or outsider to this world.

Unexplained infertility doesn't mean that nothing is wrong, it means that standard testing hasn't been able to figure out what the cause of the infertility is. It's possible you had really bad luck and will be able to conceive unassisted, but it's also possible that you have some undiagnosed factor. Sometimes people have failed multiple treatment rounds and randomly conceive unassisted in between IVF cycles.. it happens.

I felt very uncomfortable going to infertility support groups after we got diagnosed, especially when I saw that almost everyone in the group was older and had been trying for a longer time. But no one ever made me feel like I was unwelcome. As long as you're respectful and compassionate (and it sounds like you are), you do belong in that space.

As for whether to pursue treatment at this point, that's an individual decision that depends on your family planning goals and financial situation. It's reasonable to dive right in if that's what's best for you. From your post history it sounds like you're starting out with a medicated TI cycle; low tech treatments are a middle ground if you want to ease into things.

When I told my husband and close friends after 2 years of trying that I felt something wasn’t right and that I wanted to go to an RE, I was told that I was stressing and need to relax more - that it would happen when it happen. I felt like an imposter, and like I was dramatic.

It took a full year of IVF, IUI and further testing to show that my unexplained infertility was a result of an undiagnosed autoimmune disease.

Whether you figure out the cause to your unexplained infertility or not, you’re definitely not an imposter. Your struggles and your feelings are valid.

This post and everyone responses had made me cryyyyy argghhh.

It's such a valid point that hard to discuss with anyone other than those who have been through the same thing. Friends and family try to comfort you with words that end up being incredibly dismissive of your infertility and your experience. Unexplained infertility is still infertility.

It's comforting to see you have decided to take the next steps, because I'm stuck in this limbo zone at the moment, of telling myself "do I really need it?" "do I want to go through treatment when I might get naturally pregnant next month?". I feel like I keep putting it off because undergoing treatment feels very -real-.

I love this subreddit and all you lovely people! I've found so much comfort here.

My family definitely felt like I was overreacting when I first started talking about fertility treatments! I had my husband get a sperm analysis, my hormones tested and my ovarian reserve checked after 6 months of trying. HSG after a year of trying. Everything was normal… my OB/GYN asked if I wanted to start treatment and I said no. If everything is fine, then we just need time right? So I did what everyone in my family said. I went on a vacation, I tried to relax, I tried not to think about it and made plans every month to take my mind off of it. I stopped trying so hard and didn’t focus on getting pregnant. Surprise, it didn’t work… I expressed this to my primary care physician and he told me “you’ve been trying long enough, I know we don’t have answers yet but something is amiss. I think you should seek treatment”

This made me feel so much better! I felt like I wasn’t being ridiculous by wanting help. Now I’m on my first medicated cycle ☺️

The point of this story is. Even if you follow everyone’s advice and wait… it still may not work. So if you are feeling ready for treatment, that’s all that matters! You’ve been trying long enough!

How long have you been trying?

I feel the exact same way; we are continuing to try unassisted until the two year mark (November), where we’ll make the decision to get assistance (probably IVF). But like you, it’s hard to make that decision when there’s nothing they can find wrong. And I think that’s part of it, too: there could be something wrong, we just don’t have a way to test for it. Similarly to you, my husband has low morphology but that’s it; all of our other results came back normal. Hugs 🫂

First of all, you aren’t an imposter. Science doesn’t know everything. Your infertility is not invalid just because it can’t point to what’s wrong. Secondly, your mental health is important. TTC just sucks when you keep doing everything right and still no baby. I’m trying for my 2nd now, but my 1st is an IUI baby. We tried for two years for her, and I honestly thought I was going crazy trying the same thing over expecting different results. And there wasn’t a lot wrong with either of us. Just a little on his side, and my cycle lengths were a bit too short. Do what is best for you, but keep in mind your emotional and mental state. That matters too! Virtual hugs!

I really appreciate you putting words to this. It does feel like I'm faking infertility because there's nothing medically wrong with either of us. I've had people say maybe we're just not timing it right. Trust me we are. I know way more about my body and cycle than I ever would have cared to know. It's so frustrating and dismissive